Guess who just arrived in a foreign country and is spotting?

Not to mention mildly cramping.

You only get one guess.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

It is just a bit of pinkness on my endometrin suppository stick, and then later a light pink mucous on the TP when I wiped, but it is definitely there. And the cramping is definitely there too. Hoping I'm just having minor cervical irritation - I must have thrust that suppository in there too enthusiastically! But I'm not really able to convince myself.

I do not want to be at this conference. I do not want to give this talk on Saturday.

I want to be with Will right now.

I want to go home.

Mo

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Mo and embryo take their 1st international trip

Tomorrow morning, I will leave on a flight for an international conference I am presenting at over the weekend. The whole trip has felt very surreal and up in the air to me, because part of me has been waiting for Something Bad to Happen. This conference is a big one in my clinical and research area and two of my colleagues will be attending - not to mention many collaborators and colleagues from other institutions. It's been strange to have my co-workers all hyped about the conference and me to be secretly thinking "sure, if I go," or "great, if I'm not miscarrying or getting a D&C instead of giving a symposium presentation," etc. I haven't said anything to anyone because of course no one knows I'm pregnant. But in my mind it has felt far from sure that I would be attending (a bit awkward since I'm an invited speaker). I was so uncertain about things that I didn't even buy my plane ticket until this past weekend. (All this uncertainty is very costly in so many ways, I tell you!)

But here we are, less than 24 hours from my scheduled departure, and I am going! Still pregnant! Still giving my (completely unprepared-yikes!) talk on Saturday (hmmm...that better change and soon).

I am a fearful public speaker, even though it is a not insignificant part of my job as a researcher/clinician in an academic medical center. Don't like it. Kind of accept that I may never like it. So it will be very helpful that I won't be standing up there alone, that this little embryo will be giving the presentation with me. I defended my dissertation during pregnancy #5 and it was pretty awesome to know that I had a very small person on my side (and inside of me) while doing that. I'm hoping this time it will be just as comforting to know that there is a little tiny one in there with me as I'm going about my days out of the country and giving my talk.

There are two issues that I'd love to get your thoughts on:

• One of my colleagues - who is a friend but also a superior - has already expressed her excitement about getting to drink together at the conference. Of course, I won't be drinking. Wondering how to handle this without having a neon flashing sign that says "I AM PREGNANT!!" She knows we have been through multiple losses, have been trying IVF, etc. So I'm pretty certain she will surmise the situation, but because I am in the middle of negotiating a promotion, I don't want to acknowledge that I am pregnant. Since we're friends, I also don't want to outright lie. Any thoughts? Also, how do I handle it if she asks me directly if I am pregnant?

• It also just occurred to me that I'm now on daily PIO shots. Which is the one shot I don't give myself. The lovenox will be fine, but the PIO has me a bit unnerved. Come hell or high water, I will be giving myself this injection every night while I am away. But any advice on ways to make it easier? Because of all my med allergies (sesame, peanut, olive oil injections were all a no-go), I'm taking progesterone in ethyl oleate, which is thinner than some of the other oil concoctions, so that will help I think. I'm also going to have Will draw two bull's eyes on my rear tonight so I don't end up injecting in the back of my knee or something by accident. But would love any thoughts you self-PIO folks have.

I'm hoping the trip will be a good distraction from all of this pregnancy panic going on over here. Because you know that ultrasound yesterday? That made me feel reassured until, oh, just about 4pm yesterday, at which point I returned to my fearful baseline. I think fear of presentation will compete nicely with fear of pregnancy doom, which is a good thing. And by the time I get back, the presentation will have been given (phew!) and I will be only a few days away from having another ultrasound (gulp), that will hopeful reveal a heart beat (double gulp).

Mo

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6w2d ultrasound

We went in for the ultrasound today, nervous, nervous, nervous. It is so easy now to imagine a bad outcome because we have had so much practice at these ultrasounds going poorly. We know exactly what it will be like, or we think we do.

My NYC RE began the scan and at first I thought to myself, Oh, Good! The sac looks larger! This was all I was hoping to see at this reassurance appointment.

But then the RE kept scanning.

And scanning and scanning and scanning.

He said not a single word as he continued.

This has never been a good sign. You know the AIDS project "SILENCE = DEATH"? Well, whenever we've seen the baby lying still on ultrasound, whenever there is bad news, it has always been accompanied by utter prolonged silence.

So my heart starts beating in my chest. I reach up and grab Will's hand. He is sweating. With every second that is passing, I am increasingly certain that it is over. Will tells me later that he felt a lump rising in his throat.

Eventually, the RE speaks, although he is still scanning.

He says that he thinks he can see the fetal pole (!)

What?!

He demarcates it with his little pointer things. He says that what he is looking at is soooooo sooooooo small still that it is hard to tell. That sometimes he thinks he is imagining things when it is this early. He says he thinks he can also see a tiny flickering but that everything is really too small to tell for certain just yet. Yolk sac still there, and gestational sac definitely larger (4 days larger than last scan 4 days ago), so growing just fine.




Will and I breathed a huge sigh of relief and both scrambled to pick our own hearts up off the floor.

So it was good news. Good news after prolonged silence. Never had that before.

Progesterone is now 23, estrogen 615. According to the RE, "This pregnancy is on full life support."

The real test, the RE says, will be the next ultrasound. He will be away until next Wednesday, which is his surgery day. But he's going to come in at 7AM that day before scrubbing in just to do our scan (isn't he great?!). He said we should definitely be seeing a heartbeat by then.

Until then, he said, "Just keep doing what you're doing."

To which I replied, "You mean keeping taking estrogen and progesterone in oil and freaking out daily?"

Apparently, yes.

And note to RE: Dude, we love you, but you have got to say something a little sooner. Before both Will and I go into cardiac arrest.

Mo

Click here for an interesting guide to hcg and ultrasound milestones in early embryonic development.

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Question: high risk versus regular OB?

I hesitate to even think this question, let alone write it, because I am sure it will doom the pregnancy, but I also know I better get going on this or the best OBs will be booked for my due date.

So, being optimistic for a moment and assuming this pregnancy continues to progress, I'll ask my question. Any and all thoughts/experiences welcome.

Does the fact that I'm on lovenox and prednisone at least through the first trimester (along with all of my other fun meds) mean that I will need to see a high risk OB? Or can a regular OB monitor someone on these meds?

I don't think there's any other reason I'd "need" to see a high risk OB, and I actually think that the low-risk OBs are a little less busy - and therefore a little more available - at the hospital where I'll be receiving care and delivering (ha! as though I would ever get that far). My husband and I work and receive our medical care at a major academic medical center here in New York, so even the "regular" OBs are pretty darn good (as long as they won't flip out about the lovenox/prednisone).

Anybody out there know? I just realized that even though I'll still be in limbo for awhile that I better get a first appointment booked or I'm not going to be able to get one at all with the provider of my choosing. Yikes.

Oh, and another question - can a regular OB measure cervical length? If we can make it out of the first trimester with everyone still alive, that is my other big fear - that I might have cervical issues since I've had 3 D&Cs. So would want to see someone who can regularly (as in every visit probably) check that things are ok in that regard.

This time around, should I get to the point of needing an OB, I've given myself permission to ask for extra visits and extra reassurance. We've been through hell and back, and if a little hand-holding can reduce our anxiety, I'm going to go for it. I suspect our days of once-a-month visits are behind us. I can't imagine just biding my time for a month between visits at this point. Hopefully, I can find an OB who feels that that's acceptable.

Mo

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Moxie weighs in on the HPTs

This past week has had its share of unbounded happiness and extreme anxiety. And several mornings have begun with a ritual peeing on a stick and then snuggling together to watch the lines appear (and to compare with a test from a few days before that).

And when I say snuggling together, I mean me, Will, and our little boxer puppy, Moxie (who's not so little any more). Moxie has even been weighing in with her thoughts on how the pregnancy is progressing.

See how intently she's examining the sticks? That's because she is one smart boxer doggie. Also, she'd really like there to be a baby around the apartment that she can lick and nuzzle whenever the mood strikes her. And whose stuffed toys she can steal and pretend they are her own.

"The line on the bottom definitely smells darker.

Definitely! It's not even a close call!"

Oh yeah. Sanity may be running a bit low over at Mo and Will's (and Moxie's) house. But there is a lot of love - and renewed hope - here.

Mo

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