How pregnancy cures infertility....or NOT!...

It's astounding to me how people tend to forget your infertility history...even people who have been there through each painstaking step of the journey and KNOW what an against-the-odds miracle your child is.

Recent case in point: my mom (sorry, mom, I love you!)

We were talking and she brought up the idea of Will and me having a sibling for Magpie.

Sort of normal back and forth, with me saying that while it would be lovely for Magpie to have a younger sibling, we aren't sure what kinds of lengths we would go to (certainly not the five years of insane lengths we went to before!) to have a sib. And that while it would be nice, we aren't really expecting a sib for her. That a sibling likely isn't in the cards. That we are just grateful to have her.

And then my mom went there. (Ugh). You know, THERE. To infertility-myth land....

She went straight for the "once you have a child, all infertility issues are magically cured" myth. The myth where people say pregnancy primes your body for another baby and that now that you've had a baby, it will probably be "easy" to conceive. (I must be SO PRIMED after 7 pregnancies, you'd think I'd get pregnant just standing here!)

I reminded my mom that I am now 42.

But she persisted.

I reminded my mom that Magpie is the result of SEVEN pregnancies across five years. And SEVEN IVF cycles.

But she persisted. (She's tenacious once she latches on to an idea, my mom.)

I finally told her the truth - that we have been trying monthly to conceive a sibling since Magpie turned 3 months old. So that would make a year of trying on our own now.

With nary a second pink line in sight the entire time.

"Oh," she said, finally defeated. "You never told me that."

Oh, mom. That is the detail that lets you in on our ongoing infertility secret? Because otherwise, the situation was hard to interpret?

I found the conversation both sweet and slightly chagrining. I know my mom comes from a place of love. She just wants us to be able to have all of our dreams come true, and for Magpie to have a little sister or brother to share life with. But at the same time, wow. The power of hope - it's amazing, isn't it?. Nearly delusional sometimes.

On our end (or mine at least), I figure of course we'll try each month and just see what happens. You never know, right? (we could also win the lottery.) But our monthly trying doesn't cause me suffering because I don't expect to get anywhere with it. I don't really expect to be pregnant again, unless we decided to use a donor egg...with perhaps even the dreaded IVIG on top of that. I really, really know - all the way down in to my bones - that we beat the odds having Magpie. Throughout my whole being I know this and am suffused with gratitude. And so I am not pining for another baby, even though, would we love one? Of course we would. Of course.

Later this month I'm seeing my OB for my (late) annual exam. Let's see if she brings up birth (ha! ha!) control.

Surely not, right? Stay tuned and find out...

Mo


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The update (finally)

I vowed never to be that person - the one who has the baby and drops off the face of the Earth. And yet....I see I haven't posted since Magpie turned one. And that was a picture post, so does that even count? And now she's 14.5 months old, and... oh my! I HAVE become that person. The one who crosses over and never looks back.

Except that's not it. I look back all the time and marvel on the fact that Will and I and Magpie (and Moxie) are over "here" - that Magpie exists, that's she's really here. Still, and maybe always will be incomprehensible. So it's not the never looking back part that keeps me from posting.

It's time.

Between juggling my work and my baby (who is - OMG - now a toddler!) I don't have any. I have about two hours a day that I am awake when Magpie isn't. And I'm generally trying to use that time to get caught up on about 1,000 things I'm behind on...or do something novel, like actually have a one-on-one conversation with Will or something. One of the 1,000 things on the list is this blog, by the way, but that doesn't often hit the top of the list.

All that said, I miss this space, and I miss you guys, and I'm going to try...I am!...to post more so that there isn't this tremendous backlog of posts that I started or meant to write or...well, whatever, didn't get to. And then I don't know where to start...and then...well...

So first things first, Ms. Magpie is doing great (except for her continuing tinyness - she's mostly wearing 6-12 month old stuff and weighs 17 lbs) and we are so happy to have her in our lives.

I often think now, I am so fortunate. I have everything I ever wanted. A good marriage. A child. A good education. A fulfilling and meaningful and rewarding career. Oh, and that I get to live in one of the most fantastic places in the world. Granted, there are many, many super wonderful places to live, but I get to live here, and I love all that NYC has to offer.

So that that is the starting point. That I am thrilled and happy and content and satisfied.

I am also exhausted and worn down and scattered. It's a good exhausted and worn down and scattered, but still.

I don't know if it's because of the rigors of trying to succeed in an academic medical setting as a clinician and researcher or if it's being a "grannymom" or just my personal weakness...or, gah, if maybe all parents are this tired? (dear parents everywhere, I am sorry for missing this point all these years, if so), but I'm wiped out much of the time.

And now that Magpie is a bit older and goes to a music class (which she LOVES) and has more playdates, and because of these things interacts with other kids, which is awesome, but which sometimes leaves her SICK, we have frequent illness to contend with. She's typically fine in a couple of days, but Will and I are felled like the old giants we are every time. Most recently, I came down with her latest cold on Christmas Day, and I've been hacking away and limping along ever since. She's been fine since like the day after Christmas, but Will and I appear to have terminal illnesses.

So we may not make it, our weak immune systems and advanced age and all, but Magpie, well, she is glorious. She is a truly happy kid. The word "joyous" comes to mind. Enthusiastic if perhaps a bit intense, very present, very social. Sometimes I wonder, Where did this kid come from? (On so many levels). And of course, I know. Exactly, down to the petri dish. But there is still so much mystery and unfolding each day as we watch her become the person she is at each moment in time.

Just in the past couple of weeks, Magpie seems to be making huge developmental strides. Seemingly out of nowhere she's making these big receptive and expressive language leaps - she is signing up a storm (she loves to sign, and say, "daddy," and she signs, "more," and "all done"). Yesterday we asked her what a cow says, and she said, "Moo." And in the bathtub, you can ask her to hand you various toys ("the dog," or "the crab", etc.) and she knows which is which. How in the world does she know this stuff?! She suddenly seems to understand much of what we say and can follow directions (not that she always chooses to, but she seems to be understanding, which is cool). She knows where her and others eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, toes, feet, and belly buttons are. Her caregiver speaks only in Spanish to her and she is picking that up quickly as well. Her current words are all English: "mama," "dada" (more often than mama right now), "moo," "hi," "bye," "uh-oh" (often said BEFORE she hurls something off the high chair. Sigh.) There have been other words (she's quacked a few times, said "dog," and repeats us sometimes, but these are her favorites). And she loves to be read to and to turn the pages of books.

Motor skillswise, she is also doing great, as she has been all along. She runs and climbs. She got up on the couch yesterday by herself - incredible, because she is such a little thing. She loves ride-on toys these days and has a "rocking lamb" she also loves (we think she thinks it is real because she will try to feed it her bottle, which is adorable). She is able to hold a marker and "draw" (mostly stabbing motions for now, but effective enough). She can hold a spoon and feed herself (usually upside down).

She sleeps well, usually putting herself to sleep after we do bathtime, reading, some singing (bottle at same time), teeth brushing, and rocking chair with mom or dad time. And usually sleeps through the night from 8 or 9pm until 7ish.

She is really into how things work - what goes together, putting things into and onto other things that go together. So for instance, she takes great glee in flushing the toilet when she's able to sneak into the bathroom, putting clean diapers in the diaper pail and closing the lid, taking scraps of wrapping paper one by one to the garbage, brushing her hair and her teeth, pretending to"stir" using a spoon and bowl or cup, "feeding" anything with a mouth - moxie, us, a stuffed animal, a character in a book. She just in the past couple of weeks started spontaneously stacking everything she can get her hands on (blocks, toys, her bottle on top of something), and she's pretty good with it, even stopping to applaud herself when she succeeds.

She is also very affectionate. Has lots of hugs and more recently kisses (both direct and palm kisses) for Will and me, and for stuffed animals, Moxie, and her dolls. It's sweet.

Magpie is still not a great eater - she's more of a nibbler. She'll try most things and eat a few bites, but when I see other people's kids, they shovel vast quantities in their mouths (or let their moms do this) and Magpie....she eats a few bites and then prefers to feed Moxie or throw the remainder on the floor, or to go play if she's not tied in the high chair at that moment. I try to just make lots of food and variety available to her throughout the day and have been experimenting with cutting down her milk/formula/breastmilk intake to see if she'll eat more. So she eats, but she's sort of a grazer, my kid. Mostly I'm ok with this but I freak out a little when she gets sick and stops eating and loses a little weight (wish that happened to me!). I think this is going to be how it is, though. That I have a little slip of a girl.That's she's a joyful, busy girl who burns up a lot of energy and doesn't like to stop enough to take in too many calories.

And despite the recent onslaught of illnesses crippling Will and myself, we are good. We are ever busy at work, and I've had three business trips this fall to give trainings and speak at conferences (got to bring Will and Magpie on one!). We are heading to the Middle East for a couple of weeks on another work-related venture in the Spring (more on that later), which should be interesting, and fortunately, we'll be bringing Magpie. We've been dealing with aging parent issues (perhaps more on that later), and just working to enjoy all of the moments with our girl and all the good things in our lives.

So there you have it. A real update, if anyone is still reading. Will try not to stay away so long next time.

Mo


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One

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Getting the hang of this walking thing

Here's my girl yesterday morning, at 11 months and a few days, demonstrating her newly acquired walking skills. I love how she throws herself into the task, using her entire body to make it across the floor. I think she is very proud of herself. I know I am.

Mo

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Today in Central Park

Little Ms. Magpie is taking off in the standing and walking department. This morning, she walked across the room unassisted, 8 or 9 steps. And then later today, she went to Central Park where she continued her standing and walking adventures, motivated by the Biggest Bubble Ever! Eleven months and a couple of days, and I think we have a walker. I need to get more video of her crawling while she'll still do it. I will miss her slap slap slap sounds as she crawls rapidly around the apartment.

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