Weight loss update: week 10

OK. So the weekly recap this week includes me being much more adherent to the Jenny Craig diet. I have been very adherent caloriewise all along, but obviously something was off last week, despite me thinking everything was fine on the intake and exercise side of things, so per my Jenny Craig consultant's recommendation, I went back to mostly Jenny Craig food (I did the equivalent of 5 days of Jenny food and 2 days "on my own"). I made four dinners of non-JC food this week, and I had a few non-JC "snacks," like a small portion of air popped popcorn one night, and a string cheese snack another night, but otherwise, except for the huge amounts of cooked vegetables and salads I eat daily, I ate only JC food. This is obviously not the long-term goal (which instead is to learn to eat small nutrient-dense portions and watch my calorie intake), but I really wanted to get the weight situation in check quickly, before it impacted my motivation. Because I can't pin down what went "wrong" last week, the only way to be sure to correct it seemed to be to go back to more JC food, since that's been working. So I did. I was kind of dreading it, because after 10 weeks of this food, I thought I was a bit sick of it, but honestly that part of things has been fine. The food is pretty good, so even on the days I opened a package of whatever meal and had lukewarm feelings to it, the actual eating of the meal was pleasurable.

The other thing I added this week was starting the plank-a-day challenge. I don't know if I'll make it to the end of it, but post c-section, my tummy could use some toning (understatement). And I'm figuring my weight is moving in the direction of toning exercises having the ability to actually show. That would be nice! So I'm up to a 1 minute 30 second plank, and OMG it is hard. But nice to focus on progressing on something else, in addition to the scale, just so my metaphorical eggs aren't all in one basket.

I still haven't taken measurements as was so sagely recommended by Melissia last week. But it's a really good idea. I'm definitely smaller than I was when I started this journey, even if I can't quantify it. I'll try to get on that soon.

So where did this week's efforts land me on the scale?

Weight-wise, I did VERY well!! Yay! So last week must have just been some weird temporary glitch.

Weekly Weight Loss

Starting BMI just after Thanksgiving = 25.2 (officially overweight)
Week 1:     - 4.4 pounds (back into normal BMI territory, less than 25!)
Week 2:     - 0.8 pounds
Week 3:     - 3.6 pounds

Week 4:     out of town so no Jenny food and no weigh-in (Christmas travel madness!)

Week 5:     - 4.4 pounds since last weigh-in

Week 6:     - 2 pounds

Week 7:     - 1.6 pounds

Week 8:     - 1.4 pounds

Week 9:     + 0.4  pounds
Week 10:     -4.2 pounds  

Grand Total So Far: 22.0 pounds lost (BMI = 21.6!!)

Oddly, despite thinking I had adhered pretty well to the diet, my JC consultant was still in "we must find out what went wrong" mode and was going over my food for the week with a razor-sharp focus. Which could have felt awesome and collaborative, but somehow the tone of it felt...negative. So one day it was, "you had too much sodium" and overall I "didn't eat enough fruit" (true, I stopped eating much fruit when diabetic, per my nutritionist's instructions, and replaced it with loads of leafy green and other non-starchy veggies). I didn't really hear about much that I had done right. Maybe it was me and my skin was extra thin today for some reason, but weirdly, it felt like I was being chastised and I left feeling a bit down in the dumps rather than elated at the week's successful weight loss.

So I'm strangely not looking forward to next week's weigh-in and another round of scrutiny. Not because I am so fearful I won't have lost weight, although there's some of that, but more that at the end of a long day at work and a week of strong effort dieting and exercising, I hope to have a more positive interaction. Because, you know, I feel like I've been working my butt off -  literally!

But anyway, main point is, I am back on track! Three cheers to progressing again with the weight loss!

Mo

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What a difference two years makes

Two years ago today, our 7th IVF transfer...

Our last-ditch transfer. Marking six chromosomally blastocysts transferred at that point. The one before we moved to surrogacy. The one before we moved to donor egg. At that point, after six losses and six IVFs, I could not imagine that any of these embryos could possibly implant. I was really so past hope that I was not even running on fumes any more. Just trying again, because really, what else was there to do, given we wanted a family so very badly?

And then fast forward to the present moment.


To this amazing girl:

So full of life and wonder.

So completely herself.

Wow. Incredible. How did we get from there to here?

It is still hard to believe we got out the other side.

And yet...Magpie is definitely here, definitely present in our lives.

She couldn't be more real. And we couldn't be more lucky.

For those of you still in the trenches, it can happen. It can happen when you least expect it.

Mo

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So you're not going on the Mommy Track?

I was in a meeting with one of my superiors this week in discussions about my academic future and upcoming promotion when I was asked, "So it seems you've decided not to go on the Mommy Track?"

Uh....wha????

I assume this was an ill-advised attempt to say that I've chosen not to be a stay-at-home-mom?

But what a strange question that somehow felt it disparaged moms everywhere, especially stay-at-home moms, but also those of us trying to balance work and parenting.

I was completely taken aback. And slightly offended.

The question raised the tension that is often there, usually implicit, in my work and personal life balance. That there is a conflict between working or staying home. And it is not just my own internal conflict. At work I feel I must profess my loyalty to the institution, pledge my undying willingness to work late nights and weekends on the latest publication deadline or grant submission. Also that I feel I am supposed to profess that of course my daughter's feeding issues/teething/stomach flu/night terrors, etc. would never impact my work performance, never ever!

But come on! Of course sleep deprivation, etc., impacts my work performance on a given day. And maybe wrong to admit, but also true that my willingness to work around the clock 7 days a week is reduced now that I have a little person at home completely dependent on me. I try to minimize the impact of any of these things on my professional life, but the truth is, yes, as a parent and family member, I have other responsibilities outside of work too, that are also important. I am striving to juggle them as best as I can. I juggle them mostly successfully, I think, and yet...

These are some of the unspoken truths and tensions that I find in being a professional working mom. Truths and tensions that don't seem entirely allowable in the world I inhabit (instead, there are many junior women faculty recruited...but there are few senior women faculty. Gosh, I wonder why they all leave? Is it because it is nearly untenable to balance the two - both important roles - women often find themselves in?) The fact is that it seems ok to be in my role and be an academic and a mom as long as it appears that my mommying does not infringe on my professional life. Which to an extent of course, I get. They hired me to do a job, which I do well, thanks very much (hence the promotion). But I have different limits professionally now that I am a mom than I had as a younger, not-yet-parenting person.

So when my superior asked, "So it seems you've decided not to go on the Mommy Track?"

This is how I answered:

"Oh, no, I am on the Mommy Track. It is a dual track that runs in parallel to my academic clinical research career."

Probably not the most politic answer. But it pretty much stopped that conversation in its tracks.

Mo


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Weight loss update, week 9: speed bump

It's becoming a theme now that my weight has gotten lower that I am very nervous before each week's weigh-in (which happens every Monday night), worried the scale won't show my efforts. Worried that if it doesn't, I'll lose momentum or feel that sense of diet futility I've felt before. It is hard to tell if plateauing is a real thing to be concerned about, or if my fear of not losing is more a mental game, that since I'm now down to the weight I was when I got married (OMG!), that it feels like anything further will be difficult and/or impossible.

Using myfitnesspal to track my calories has been a godsend. I actually almost enjoy the process of logging my meals (I know, I'm weird) and find it really motivating. And based on my food diaries online, I was really good with my food intake all week, eating a little bit more (like up to 50 calories more a day, per my Jenny Craig consultant's recommendation), but also being sure to get in an average of 10,000 steps a day. I even (gasp) cooked Sunday night. Using a Cooking Light recipe, I made a pork tenderloin with plum sauce with a heaping side of steamed rainbow chard and another large side of steamed green beans (funny how I've grown to love green veggies). It was absolutely delicious (Magpie and Will both loved it too), and low in calories to boot. We were home this weekend and didn't eat out at all, not even a Starbucks the whole time. So there wasn't much estimating of portion sizes and no hidden extra calories. 

But all those facts didn't make me confident that the scale would show good results. Add to my anxiety the fact that I think I'm ovulating today and I wore a different outfit today than usual, thanks to the snowstorm (yup, it's probably on the obsessive side, but I typically wear the same dress on Mondays to eliminate that particular source of measurement error). 

So again when the Monday evening weigh-in time at Jenny Craig arrived, I covered my eyes just like last week, fearing that my weight had stagnated, or, please no!, actually gone up.

And damn, but despite thinking I'd done everything right, my fears were confirmed.

This week, my weight WENT UP 0.4 pounds.

UGH.

So here's where things are at overall, as of today:

Weekly Weight Loss

Starting BMI just after Thanksgiving = 25.2 (officially overweight)
Week 1:     - 4.4 pounds (back into normal BMI territory, less than 25!)
Week 2:     - 0.8 pounds
Week 3:     - 3.6 pounds

Week 4:     out of town so no Jenny food and no weigh-in (Christmas travel madness!)

Week 5:     - 4.4 pounds since last weigh-in

Week 6:     - 2 pounds

Week 7:     - 1.6 pounds

Week 8:     - 1.4 pounds

Week 9:     + 0.4  pounds (!)
Grand Total So Far: 17.8 pounds lost (BMI = 22.3)

So I'm still processing the shock and disappointment of this.Trying not to make a mountain out of a speed bump. Hoping I won't take this as evidence to give up.

I've done really, really well the past nine weeks. All through the Christmas holidays, plus traveling. I don't know what happened today. I don't even have some major splurge to blame this on, or a bread crumb trail of small slips. I was really good this week, actually. 

But whatever happened, the worst thing for me to do would be to throw in the towel and use this as an excuse to go way off track.

So I'm doubling down this week. Going back to eating more Jenny Craig food than I had been (and less carefully prepared and measured food on my own). Watching my sodium intake more closely.

And most of all, trying not to lose my morale.  Mo, this is not a reason to give up. This is a small snag in the process. Stay with it.

I'm going to give it my all to stick with everything for the next seven days. We will see what next week's weigh-in brings.

Here's hoping the scale gets back on track soon, and that my motivation doesn't wobble in the meantime.

Mo

So did the OB-GYN ask this infertile 42yo about birth control?

Today was my first annual visit since having my daughter, and I'd been wondering. Would my doctor ask the standard (dreaded by me) question, "So are you taking birth control?" I hate this question. I cringe at the thought of the question. First, it assumes wrongly that I would ever want to prevent another pregnancy. Are you crazy? Prevent a FREE pregnancy without injections, and loans, and pain? Ha ha ha ha! And second, it presumes that I could ever get pregnant without massive help (plus incredible luck), which feels like the questioner obviously missed my whole medical reproductive history somewhere.

So I was curious. I know that it's a standard question. Part of the script for the annual visit. Would she ask?

She DID NOT.

Smart woman. Awesome woman.

She DID ask all about my daughter Magpie. All about my work. My life. She DID ask to see pictures and watched some iphone video of my beautiful girl with me.

She had read my test results from my yearly internal medicine visit in October...and cited all of the bloodwork results from memory. (Sharp lady!)

She DID ask about my glucose control and health in general. (Excellent clinician!)

She DID ask open-endedly about our plans and thoughts about having another Magpie. (Excellent human being!)

She recommended I see a cardiologist and get a holter monitor because I've been having an arrhythmia.

She recommended I get a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound soon because she felt a lump in my right breast.

She recommended I see an endocrinologist because despite the significant weight loss, my glucose is still not right.

And so I will do all of these things.

Toward the end of the visit, we had a little chat about the three frozen embryos, and about the hell of depot lupron and IVIG, during which she expressed optimism for another baby for us until I reminded her that my beautiful girl is the result of 110 eggs retrieved across the years (I know she is well aware of the 6 pregnancy losses, so I didn't bring it up).

We ended the appointment with me thanking my OBGYN for helping get my daughter here safely and my OBGYN saying, "She really IS a miracle."

That she is. And I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

Mo

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