FET #3 9dp5dt, would-be-beta day

Today is 9dp5dt, and the day the Denver clinic would want my beta drawn, except my NYC clinic doesn't draw betas on weekends or holidays (arrgh!). So I can't get the official beta today, which we would want to see at 50ish at a minimum on this day.

Given this, I thought long and hard about what would lead to the best chance of sanity this weekend.

Keep peeing on sticks and hoping the lines get darker?

Or wait until Tuesday and get another number to see where we are at?

I surprised even myself by the choice I'm making. I didn't test with an HPT yesterday, and I didn't test this morning. My reasoning is that trying to compare lines at this point isn't going to make me feel reassured. That I'll wonder - is it darker enough to represent a viable pregnancy? And then go around and around and around in my mind about it. And if it didn't look darker? Well, in that case, I'd feel horrible. Inconsolable. So no great outcome either way. The word tortured comes to mind.

Instead, I'm just going to hold on to the tenuous bit of hope from Friday's quantitative test drawn early on 7dp5dt. It was a reasonable number, a number that could mean all is ok. But at 22.3, it wasn't an amazing number like Magpie's 69 was at the same point in time. So I feel like we'll still just have to see what's what Tuesday.

For whatever it's worth, I'm feeling pregnant. There is definitely activity going on in the uterus, represented by an on an off focal cramping that is not at all like a menstrual cramp (Implant! Grow! Keep on going!), and possible corpus luteum pain, although it's hard to localize the sensations exactly. I know that these kinds of focal uterine-ish pains are not caused by the hormones (which the fatigue, sore breasts, and shortness of breath could be). So I am finding that reassuring and hope-inducing.

After having Magpie, I understand and accept much more than before that either this embryo has what it takes to go the distance, or it doesn't. What made Magpie's blast so different from all the other embryos we've transferred across the years? I don't know. It was chromosomally normal, but so were many others. We had done all the immune treatment stuff, but it didn't help the other two blasts transferred with her, only her. So there's still quite a bit of mystery and art to all of this. Just like with Magpie's pregnancy, we've been doing all measures of life support to keep everything on track, believe me! IVIG, prednisone, estrogen, progesterone, probiotics, vitamin D, aspirin, lovenox, you name it!, but either this embryo has got what it takes or it doesn't. As much as we want to know, we can't rush to the answer - we'll learn it gradually. Does the beta double? Keep doubling? Is there a fetal pole? Heartbeat?

Overwhelming! So one thing at a time. First thing is to survive the long Labor Day weekend with my sanity intact.

Then we'll take it from there.

Mo


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FET #3: 7dp5dt Beta HCG results

I finally heard from both the Denver clinic and the NYC clinic. They both called at basically the exact same time.

Beta HCG = 22.3

Nurse was happy with this number, given that beta isn't due until Sunday. The Denver clinic wants you at 50 on beta day, so hopefully we'll be close if not there by then.

Estrogen was good at 1217.

Progesterone came in at 10.1, which is low. The Denver clinic's current protocol is endometrin suppositories 3x/day plus 1 cc of PIO every other day. Due to this low number, I now get to graduate to daily PIO plus the suppositories. This embryo will not lack for progesterone.

In terms of symptoms today, I didn't have the uterine "pulling" that I've been looking for, but I did have a very specific kind of cramping that I've only had when pregnant that's different than menstrual cramping. So that was reassuring and hope-inducing.

So I am tentatively hopeful. I would have MUCH preferred a higher number than 22.3, but that's in the ballpark of where we need to be at this stage of the game, so I'll take it.

Just hoping, hoping, hoping this blastocyst can strongly take hold and keep growing (I'm assuming it's only 1, based on the low number).

Universe, are you listening? I know I'm being greedy, but please?

Pregnancy #9, here we come!

Mo

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FET #3 7dp5dt: Edited

If you were looking for clarity, I recommend you look elsewhere.

Things here remain decidedly uncertain. Sigh.

The tests are positive.

A little bit.

Barely.

These lines don't look anything like Magpie's lines did at 7dp5dt, when the beta came back at 69.  Today's Icon test looks slightly darker to me than yesterday's, so that's something.

Slighly confounding things, I desperately had to pee at 2AM. I managed to hold it until 3:15AM and then caved. So this isn't exactly first morning urine, and it's not 24 hours from the last test either. But it wouldn't have made that much of a difference, I don't think.

I keep reminding myself that the Denver clinic is happy with a beta hcg of 50 on 9dp5dt (Magpie's was 155 on that day, which was great, but not necessary according to them). To achieve a beta hcg of 50 by Sunday, I would need to be somewhere around 25ish today.

That's not out of the question. These lines could represent numbers like that. But it's iffy.

You guys really buoyed me up yesterday. To be honest, when I posted, I was leaning toward considering yesterday's "line" an evaporation line, and this whole cycle a complete bust, but you convinced me over the course of the day that the line was really there. I came home last night and looked at it again, and you were right. It was a real line.

So are today's lines. But they are certainly nothing to get too excited about.

I spotted through the rest of yesterday on and off. Very light but definite. And I emailed with my Denver nurse who said I could check progesterone and estrogen levels today if it would help me get through the long holiday weekend.

So I am going to try to do that this morning, and while I'm there, see if I can throw in a beta hcg too.

I'm ready to move us from the qualitative to the quantitative. Get a number on the board, low as it might be.

Mild cramping going on right now, breasts very sore. There's something going on in there, digging in or dying off. Hard to say which.

Will has to work 12 hour shifts today, tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday, leaving Magpie and me to our own devices. I've been trying to line up activities and playdates and distractions to get us through. This upcoming long weekend feels particularly long. And not being able to lift Magpie (post-transfer restrictions from Denver) is tricky business with no Will around. I'll let her co-sleep with me this weekend since I can't lift her into her crib. I think she and I will both enjoy that. Her adorable little hands and body hugging against me may be just what I need to make it through the next four nights.

Here are pics of all four pee sticks from yesterday and today. Let me know what you think. *I* think I am single-handedly keeping the HPT economy afloat!

And thanks, thanks so much, for so many of you delurking yesterday to give your two cents on our situation.

Mo

***Edited to add: I was able to get blood drawn this morning for progesterone, estrogen, AND beta HCG. Results are due anytime between now and 5. I'll post as soon as I hear anything!


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FET #3: 6dp5dt: First HPT and WTF?! Edited

So I woke up before dawn and tested this morning, and got a stark white on the hospital HPT, which has a sensitivity level of HCG = 25. I'd also bought some FRERs and tested with one of those, and it looked negative to me too. I thought I saw maybe the ghost of a second line. But other times I couldn't see it. 

Magpie woke up in the middle of the night and told Will, "I feel lonely." (oh!) So he brought her into our bed. It was nice to have her nestled against me, her little fingers resting on my arm, especially after my testing around 4:30AM.

Here are the tests below for you to see. If I tilt my monitor at an angle I can see a whiff of a second line on the FRER. Maybe. If I squint a little. 

But I'm not feeling very hopeful about this. I'm thinking this is going to be a bust and am really sad.

I don't know, folks. It doesn't look good to me. What do you think?

Sigh.

Mo

PS - in terms of symptoms: no cramping now, some unsettled stomach, breasts are sore. Spirits are low.

*****EDITED TO ADD: It's around noon now, and just went to bathroom and am spotting pink. Which is either a very hopeful sign of implantation (I spotted on this day with Magpie's pregnancy) or the beginning of the doomed end. I just did a PIO shot this morning, so I'm hoping it's a good sign? But who knows.

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5dp5dt: FET #3

Thank you for all of your thoughts about testing ahead, and if so, when.

I thought strongly about testing this morning. Then I chickened out.

Even with Magpie's pregnancy, which had a really strong beta of 155 at 14dpo, I couldn't really make out a positive on this day. And if I *were* pregnant, the beta could be fine and be as low as 50 on 14dpo, so would definitely not show today. I decided not to risk false devastation. I can be really sad later if there's something to be sad about, you know?

But I think I will test tomorrow. Probably. Not sure. My testing kits say that 83% of women who are pregnant will test positive by tomorrow, and 93% by the day following that... so that seems more reasonable to try.

If I had to call it, I'd still guess that this cycle hasn't worked. I'm not convinced it hasn't worked, but that's my leaning if I had to guess.

I'm having dull cramping, feel slighty nauseated, have a sense of uterine fullness and heaviness, and am fairly short of breath. Whether those are good signs or just signs of estrogen and progesterone, I don't know.

I'm not feeling any "pulling" sensations, which I have felt in the past sometimes, and which has always been a physical manifestation of implantation. I haven't had it every pregnancy, though, so I'm not sure it's absence is a sign of doom per se, but I would be much more reassured if I felt it. It's a very unique internal tugging, digging in sensation, that I've never felt at any other time except during positive two week waits. Oh well. I've told myself that maybe that digging in occurred while I was sleeping, and so I missed it. Maybe. Who knows.

With Magpie's pregnancy, I also had a lot of side-pain, which was probably the development of the corpus luteum. Not having that this time either, but do have the dull cramping feeling.

So not the most reassuring, but it's not like I'm feeling nothing.

Only time will tell.

If I can just get through the next few days, we'll know one way or the other.

Sigh.

Mo


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