Sunday, December 21, 2008

Blue Christmas

Despite white snow blanketing New York City, it looks like we're in for a blue Christmas this year.

Today is 11dp3dt. Beta would have been today except that my clinic doesn't do betas over the weekend. HPT continues to be negative. It's over.

Will and I have been wrapping our minds around the likelihood that this cycle was a bust for the past few days, so the unbearable sadness is already starting to give way to a grudging acceptance. This IVF is tougher because it feels like three failures is significant. Like maybe we aren't going to get through to the other side and have a child. Which is excruciating.

It seems fitting that today is the winter solstice: longest night of the year, shortest day. Am hoping that metaphorically this means things will begin to improve. That this will be our lowest point in the journey toward a child.

We will see the RE tomorrow to get his thoughts on where to go from here.

These are the questions we are considering for him:

  1. What happened? Where do you think this cycle went wrong?
  2. How did embryo quality compare to previous two cycles?
  3. A year ago after the first miscarriage, you said our prognosis was "fabulous." What is our prognosis now?
  4. What have you learned from this cycle about how to go forward?
  5. Would more aggressive stimulation help?
  6. How about assisted hatching and fragment removal?
  7. Or endometrial co-culture?
  8. When can we cycle again?
  9. Would varicocele surgery help? How long afterward would we have to wait?

Anything we aren't thinking of? Please chime in; we're both a little numb.



  1. yuck. you have all of the questions that i can think of.

    the winter solstice is a great way to think of this time in the journey.


  2. Again, I am really sorry. Those are all great questions, I hope they have some answers.

  3. Mo,
    I'm so sorry.
    winter solstice is a very good way to see this, may the two of you find the light that lives inside the deepest darkness.
    Assisted hatching is a good idea. I thought it was pretty standard. They did it for us, to cover all our basis. You seem to have good questions in place. I'm glad you'll see your doctor tomorrow.

  4. The winter solstice is a good analogy. I hope things do look up from here. I'm sorry.

    I'm sure you've had all tests done, but just wanted to check if you have both done your karyotypes. I ask because everything else for us was normal till we found out DH has a balanced translocation. That changed everything for us!

    Good luck tomorrow.

  5. Nikki

    Thanks for your thoughts. Good questions. Yes, after miscarriage number three we had everything tested. We both have normal karotypes. And no other clotting or immune abnormalities that we could find.


  6. I have nothing for you re: questions, just that I'm very sorry for you guys right now.

    All the best.

  7. I'm really sorry about this cycle. I know that it helps to have another plan to move forward when you are at your lowest. I don't know if I could offer much ass-vice at this time. I've got plenty of ideas, but I don't know your whole story. Feel free to e-mail me and we could explore some options together. I'm so sorry for all your losses and am sending you big hugs your way.

  8. Oh, Mo! I was so hoping for a second line for you today. Sucks. I'm definitely buying you a drink!

    Your list of questions sounds good to me. How many cycles do you have coverage for? If you decide to do co-culture, have Will use his pull to get you scheduled quickly for the biopsy.

    Big hug!

  9. Your questions are the appropriate ones to ask, particularly whether a different protocol makes sense. I did the antagonist protocal for first and second IVFs and then microdose lupron for the third, which resulted in a better response. Who knows if it was the protocol that made the difference, though.

    My hope is that you get answers that make sense and some hope as well. Thinking of you both.

  10. hey mo, I think you have some great questions to start a conversation with your RE. While I am still hoping for some good news for you, I am hoping that three times is not the only charm, since we'll be on #4 this spring.

    Thanks so much for all of your comments. I am really happy to have found you. I am glad we both made it, too.

  11. Not what I wanted to hear. at all. I am terribly sorry and wanted a different outcome. (as did you of course). I hope you and Will were able to leave us here on the net and go for a walk to central park or the greenline or anywhere you can go celebrate the snow while it's still beautiful and the solstice.

  12. Mo, I think that's good suggestion from Melanie. I would add a question specifically about trying the microdose lupron protocol.

  13. dora,

    why would microdose make sense in my case?


  14. Mo and Will,

    I'm so sorry you are feeling so down about this right now. I hope your appointment tomorrow gives you the answers you are looking for.

    And I love the analogy of the winter solstice.

    It will happen for you, one way or another, it will.


    BTW: my security word is "mases"... which makes me think of mazes - and that's what IF is, a big maze. But just like a maze, you will eventually get out of it.


  15. I have no questions to add, but just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to get some satisfactory answers and a solid plan out of tomorrow's meeting.

  16. I wish I had some profound words of wisdom to share with you or answers about this cycle...but all I can offer is hugs. I'm so sorry, Mo.

  17. Mo,

    I am sorry. I guess it's always asking about quality v quantity of eggs retrieved with stim protocols- it's not my area but anecdotally I seem to recall that more isn't always better.

    If you don't read her, Sassy (she's a physician) at (obviously children heavily featured so you may not want to visit) survived seven stims. Her situation was different but how she coped and how she approached things may give you ideas.

    I'm so sorry you have such a sucky christmas pee-stick.



  18. Oh, I am so very sorry. I was really hoping you were just going to show us a positive today. There's nothing good to say, just know that I'm thinking of you both. I'm so sorry.

  19. Oh, I am so so so sorry. Big hugs to you both! I know exactly what you mean about feeling like 3 failed ivfs is huge, I am right there with you.

    Your ?s sound great to me. AH seems like a no brainer at this point. I would ask if he thought it was implantation failure or chromosone related or what his thoughts for the bfn are. Have you had an endo. biopsy? I am sure you have by this point - just throwing things out there.

    Sean had a varicocele embolization @ hopkins instead of 'surgery' and it was less painful and he is seeing some early results. I would ask thoughts about that vs. surgery.

    GL I will be thinking of you tomorrow!

  20. Oh, Mo, I am so sorry. I think your questions are great, and I hope you get some answers tomorrow. I'm thinking of you and Will and wishing you peace and comfort in each other.

  21. I'm so, so's awful to have to go through everything that you did ...the stims...retrieval, transfer, PIO, hives, anxiety ...for naught.

    I think you have an excellent list of questions handy ...I hope you get the answers you need.

  22. **HUGS HUGS HUGS** I hope you can find some light somewhere in that darkness.
    Hugs...can't have enough hugs, EVER!,
    -D *ICLW*

  23. i'm so sorry. wishing you lots of helpful information and good luck in your meeting today.

    your questions are great. i wish i had had the presence of mind to really compose my questions before my meeting with my doctor last week. in fact, in the future, i may borrow some of yours, if that's ok?

  24. I'm so sorry. I hope you come away with good answers to your questions.

  25. hi, did the lab tell you if you had issues with the egg quality, ( not embryo), were the eggs mature, did the cumulus cells look ok?
    Some things that can improve egg quality are DHEA, acupuncture

  26. Great questions!

    So sorry to hear your news. As I was reading your blog, I thought "I feel absolutely zip" but they you said that you knew your body well and I went "oh, now I see"

    Absolutely trust your instincts.


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