Tuesday, December 16, 2008

How the two week wait stole my sanity and replaced it with tiny pizzas

I haven't been posting because I've been too busy trying to stay sane.

I'm struggling to focus on work, which has received scant attention of late. I've been able to pull it together for my patients, but when I'm alone...not much productive going on.

Instead, I'm spending lots of time trying not to think about the presence or absence of every strange twitch and bloat in my body. You know the symptoms everyone goes on and on about: sore breasts, uterine cramping, light spotting, fatigue, nausea, urinary frequency?

Well, I have some of those. Maybe. If I squint my eyes and focus my mind hard enough.

And now I'm trying to remember back to my last "successful" IVF (by the clinic fellow's standards, at least). What was I feeling? I remember thinking I was going to test positive. Didn't I think that? I had uterine cramping. Perhaps. Not really sure. Definitely. Ugh.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that all I know is I am jacked up on progesterone. Or maybe I know that I am pregnant. Or maybe (more often) that I'm not. As I monitor my insides repeatedly, I think: abdominal cramp. Must be gas, embryos implanting, nervousness, embryos implanting, intestinal blockage. Im-PLAN-tation.

My breasts? I roll over at night and two massive globular entities wake me up. Soreness! Will marvels at them, at the widening, darkening aureolas now the size of tiny pizzas. The boobages may be large, Will, but back off! They are made of glass. Sign of pregnancy? Sign of progesterone. Were they more sore last time, when I was "successful"? I think so. Maybe not. Definitely. Are they more sore than yesterday? Yes. No. Yes. Ugh.

And I'm a little nauseated. It's the fast food I ate. It's the progesterone. I am PREGNANT. I have food poisoning. Wait, maybe it's passed.

Happy Holidays. Miserable holidays. White Christmas. Blue Christmas. Criminy.

Why did we decide to do this right before Christmas anyway?

It's 6dp3dt. Tested negative this morning.

I can obviously conclude that (1) this cycle is a failure. Or (2) this cycle is a success but it's really early. Or (3) who the hell knows, but at least the HCG is out of my system.

The only thing I know for sure is that suddenly, I have a hankering for pizza.



  1. Lady, what were you doing up and posting at 5:22 am? :O
    This is my first time through this and it's really hard not to obsess over any body sign. So I can't imagine being in your place, with the added stress of trying to compare...
    Last night after the shower, I too noticed my breasts are enlarged. Being modestly endowed in that department, I'm loving it. But is it a sign? definitely. no. maybe. ugh. LOL
    The pee on the stick, just too early. Wait more. keep up hope. :)

  2. Oh, lord, I know -- those twinges are killer. The thole 2ww is killer. Except my breasts never get bigger, so I'm a little envious of you on that score.

    Agree that it's way to early to test -- but you know that.

    Hugs and hopefulness!

  3. Oh, I'm so sorry the 2WW is making you crazy. I remember only too well all 6 of my awful 2WW. I agree with Clio on the hpt -- definitely too early. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and checking back in here. Good luck and take care.

  4. I hear ya, I hear ya, I hear ya. If I may be so profane in this yuletide season, the 2ww is bullshit. I feel nothing, I feel something, I'm bloated, I'm not, I'm hungry, I'm just a pig with a scant possiblity of pregnancy excuse. I've decided that I can handle everything up to this point (iffy cycles, struggling follicles, recalcitrant lining, wavering E2 levels) and now I just want to scream from the uncertainty and the lack of control.

    Hmm, I guess I should have offered comforting words, huh? I was going for the misery loves company angle.

    hang in!

  5. ha! we have all been there. it is torture! 6dp3dt is too early for sure... GL!!!

  6. Succumb to the pizza craving. (Hopefully it doesn't make you think of breasts ;)) Rule of thumb, do whatever makes you happy during the 2ww. The waiting is so hard and answers can't come any sooner. It is so frustrating! Sending you lots of sticky vibes and good wishes.

  7. Why does it seem like the 2WW is the longest 2 weeks EVER. If you would like to obsess with a ticker, I found one for the 2WW. Yes, indeed, a 2WW ticker. I don't remember where I found it, but you can search for "tickers" and maybe 2WW. It had an automatic place for implantation and hpt day. Yeah, someone came up with that. Oh, and it was customizable too! GL with all the twinges and weirdness.

  8. Of course the 2ww even messes with the shrink's head. ;-) No poking your boobs during sessions with patients!

    My favorite pizza in Manhattan is the pesto pizza from this place. Mmmmmm. I get it with pesto, grilled chicken, artichoke hearts and roasted peppers. Divine!

  9. Eat the pizza. Enjoy the pizza. Seriously funny post, Mo.

    And yes, 6dp3dt is way too early to test. Which you already know. Move away from the peesticks, and stay sane if you can. Hang in there.

  10. I feel ya on those abdominal twinges... somehow I'm not completely obsessing about them... but I know it's coming! :)

    You're brave for POAS!! I don't know if I'm gonna do it... I just wanna hang onto the hope a bit longer!!

    LOL about your pizza comments!!

  11. Oh...I am so dreading having to experience a 2WW again. Such torture. Do eat a lot of pizza...it helps. :-)

  12. Hey Mo - good to hear from you. The 2ww sucks ass but it sounds like you are getting through it. I am a stick fanatic and they make me nuts - I am going to try and stay away a bit longer next time - but I probably won't - okay - just know that I do not have any good advice as far as the sticks are concerned...!!!! I am thinking bfp thoughts for you

  13. I think you really captured the two-week wait. I hate the limbo of having every twinge be a possible sign. How can they expect us to concentrate on anything else?!

    Keeping fingers crossed for you!

  14. Hang in there- I think the two week wait is the hardest time!

  15. Oh no the 2WW strikes again! It is horrible what it does to your mind! Hang in there!

  16. you had me clicking and thinking of bagel pizzettes with that title! And I ended up with images of your nipples!

    I think that's a good sign!

  17. It's early. I know any BFN sucks ass no matter when it is, but 6dp3dt? Early. I tested BFN at 10dp3dt (i'm talking glowing white test) only to get a BFP at 11dp3dt with a beta of only 15. Of course, I'm not the norm and I don't use my story to push rainbows up anyone's butt, but 6dp3dt IS, without a doubt, EARLY!

    Good luck.

  18. You seriously crack me up ...that was a great description of the hell that is the 2ww. I had myself completely convinced that my nipples were only sore because I was checking to see if they were sore so often. Completely. Convinced.

    Eat the pizza. Like ..12 of them if they're tiny.

    Have Will hide the pee sticks. Seriously. You could buy yourself an inpatient psych admission with those things. Coming from personal experience, of course.

  19. I am obsessing EXACTLY like you - I nearly POAS yesterday but will wait until tomorrow (9dp3dt) although I have had uterine cramping and very light spotting (brown not pink sorry for TMI)


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