Friday, April 10, 2009

Just quiet

Still here, just feeling on the quiet side, processing all that has occurred in the past month or so (fourth failed cycle, major surgery, the latest consult) and trying to feel my way forward emotionally toward how to face the uncertain future.

I'm starting to feel better from the lap - still a bit fatigued, but the discomfort seems to have subsided.

Tomorrow I catch a couple of planes to go to the baptism of my friend R's baby. I will be her godmother. Will is not able to come, so I will go on my own. I'm looking forward to meeting the baby in person finally and to celebrating with my friend and her family. At the same time, I know the trip will be depleting and bittersweet. It will be hard to hold R's daughter and know that I may never have this experience for myself.

I am so happy for my friend and at the same time sad for us that we are not moving forward on our own journey and may not make it out the other side with a happy ending, despite all of our efforts and wishes to do so. And although I'm trying not to, it's also easy to lapse into the place of "It's not fair." R. is 44 and conceived her daughter after a single IVF. I am thrilled for her but can't believe that she could have the outcome she's had, while we are having the experience we are. Of course I know life isn't fair (got that pretty thoroughly when I was diagnosed with cancer at age 27, and then again when I lived but watched others die of my same illness). And I know that I'm just torturing myself comparing our two situations, so I try to avoid doing this...down this road peril lies.

Any advice on how to cope with the emotional complexities of the weekend?


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  1. Hopefully at least she's not one of those women who is utterly unaware that she cheated the statistics?

    I have a friend who conceived her first daughter, naturally, easily, with no m/c, at 41. Gave birth at 42. Has been telling me for 3+ years not to "rush" into TTC - to wait until I'm "ready" like she did. When I recently told her that my husband and I are moving on to IVF her happiness was extremely subdued. She has NO CLUE how AMAZINGLY lucky she was...

    (sorry for the rant)

  2. I often wonder what life will be like without the "happy ending" too. It's hard not to be envious when you are in pain. (((Hugs)))

  3. I'm sorry Mo. I hope you have a wonderful time while you're in Martha's Vineyard though. I know you'll have the strength to get through it.

    Doesn't it just suck to realize that life isn't fair, especially when we're on the receiving end of the shit?

  4. Glad you are starting to feel better!

    It is going to be a tough weekend, filled with many different emotions. My biggest advice would be to let yourself feel what you need to feel. Take some time out for you when you need to. Is Will making the trip? Hold his hand - tightly :)

    Thinking of you!

  5. Be gentle with yourself, is my only advise, and big deep breaths. When I saw my friends baby recently, I was okay, I sorta took some deep breaths, and I was surprisingly comforted by holding her.

    My SIL got pregnant at 41, after 1 month of being off the BCP, while we tried for years (she decided late in life that she did want kids). It was hard at first, but, know I have an amazing niece, so I just focus on that.

  6. I don't know whether it's actually healthy, but I find that I simply split into two that can smile and laugh and be really happy for someone's good fortune, and then the infertile me. It helps me cope.

    I hope it goes ok for you, and that the next christening you attend is the one for your own baby.

  7. i wish i had some words of wisdom. just try to be good to yourself and not force anything. don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable :(

  8. I wish I could tell you exactly what you need to hear but I don't even know where to begin. I just hope you have peace in your heart to enjoy the time you have with your friend and her baby. I know it is going to be difficult honey. I have been there one too many times. Try to focus on the meaning of the weekend and having fun being a god mother. Good luck Mo. I hope it goes the best it possibly could. Keep your chin up!


  9. I don't really have any advice...just some support. Hang in there---I know it will be tough.

  10. You are a strong woman and amazing friend to endure that trip. I hope your friend realizes the bittersweet pain and appreciated your willingness to do this for her. Although she probably doesn't... unless one travels this road, they have NO IDEA.

  11. I hope you have a lovely trip, even though emotions will get stirred up. It is good to have emotions about emotional things, so don't apologize for feeling.

    Perhaps a nice glass of wine would help the evening go by? Good luck, and know that we're all thinking of you.

  12. It is pretty hard - I just came off of the weekend at home with loads of kids, babies and pregnant women who cannot stop getting pregnant. I really tried to remember me, my husband, our life and our love - I really focused on that to shield me from many of those emotions - I typed that I felt "numb" but I really think I felt protected in a weird way.

    I hope it goes okay.

  13. I feel for you Mo. It is so difficult to be around other people's babies when you have experienced so much loss of your own.
    I don't know whether this will help you. But I was recommended to try to mentally "detach" myself when I am around babies... To focus on something other than the baby.
    I'll be thinking of you.

  14. Hope this weekend is going ok so far. Deep breaths and having an "out" if you need a break. I'd say champagne, but sometimes that just loosens the inhibitions a little too much.

  15. Is there another friend who will be there and can have your back? I had my best friend stay with me the whole day of the baby shower I hosted--I needed to have my pain not be invisible, but of course, I wasn't going to broadcast it either. I'm so sorry Will can't be there with you.

  16. Here's my advice. Note sure it will help...I often told myself in situations like this that it is ok to be happy for her and sad for myself. It doesn't make me sad at her. A little jealous maybe. Angry at the situation maybe. But that's alright too. It took me a while to realize I was allowed to feel more than one thing at one time.
    Hope the weekend goes alright. sheesh. nothing with IF is easy.

  17. I do three things in situations like this:

    1) Tell myself that it's 100% normal to feel jealous and resentful even if you love someone dearly and want them to be happy. There's nothing worse than going through something like this and feeling those feelings and then feeling guilty on top of it all.
    2) Tell myself that their success in having a baby has nothing to do with whether I may or may not be successful. That there is not a certain number of babies that get doled out and just because they have one doesn't preclude me from having success in becoming a parent eventually. It's just that they're going first.
    3) Make some fabulous plan for afterward or buy myself something nice. It gives me something to look forward to and is a nice reward.

    I think you are very good to do this for your friend and very strong -- you should give yourself lots and lots of credit. Hope it all goes as smoothly and painlessly as possible for you.

  18. I hope you do have a good time. I wish I had some great advice for you but I am still trying to figure this out myself. You just have to take it one step at a time and like you said try not to compare. Believe me though I know that is a lot easier said then done.

  19. Geez. It's just hard, no doubt. I hope you've enjoyed the weekend. Whenever I'm pouting a bit about a friend being PG, DH tells me "it's not like there's some baby quota and she got ours" -- silly, but it makes me laugh, which helps.

  20. No advice for you, I'm just hoping it's an easier weekend than you're anticipating. Hang in there, Mo, I'm thinking of you & glad that the worst of the discomfort is over.

  21. It is SO hard when people are successful after the first IVF. I know it doesn't happen often but it happens enough that I want to scream and "unfairness" of it all. I don't think there is escaping the bittersweet moments of being happy for loved ones babies when you are mourning your losses. It is very hard for me to swallow news of successful IVF's b/c I wish so hard that I had that success.

  22. I don't know how NOT to compare, cuz even now I still do it. I've been very very fortunate finally, but even now I watch people do a single IVF and think WTF? How? I'm happy for them that they don't have to endure this hell but selfishly crushed that we had to go through all this. So I don't know how not to, but as she's an IF'er too, I bet she'd understand if you talked about it. At least talked about where you're at, even if it wasn't in comparison to her single IVF. Nobody gets it better than someone who's been here, and I bet the appreciation that comes on her face realizing how extra lucky she is will make you feel a little better. Even if it is for selfish reasons. We need to be selfish sometimes. We have to be to survive this crap.

  23. hey mo-sorry for the late reply, the tidal wave of the end of the 2ww/beta pulled me underwater...
    I hope you got through this weekend, I know the pain/heartache of being around babies and think that you going was courageous and selfless...R's story stings, and yet it gives this old gal (38) some hope that there may still be time???
    I also identify with your acknowledgement that YOU GET that life is not fair. My husband and I are hitting the mat saying 'we give' on that lesson. It seems to be the one that we have been learning over & over & over...
    I wish you peace and look forward to being on the journey as it continues, together...


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