Sunday, March 1, 2015

Back to unpregnant

Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts and comments.

The miscarriage proceeded uneventfully, beginning five days after my last post and lasting about a week. The nurse had said it would be like a "very heavy period," which I was skeptical about, but that turned out to be mostly correct. There were a couple of days of intermittent heavy cramping, but it wasn't unbearable. Perhaps a benefit of being in labor with Magpie for 36 hours is that even if my uterus is very crampy now, I appreciate that it is a relatively small organ, compared to something taking up my whole abdomen and pressing my diaphram upward.

Someone asked in the comments if i was able to do genetic testing - I didn't do any testing, because it was so early there really wasn't anything to test. Previously when I've had a natural miscarriage in which I passed a gestational sac, I did take that in to the OB's office and they were successfully able to test the embryo and tell me it had trisomy 16, but this was too early to do that. If I could have tested, I probably would have. In the super unlikely event that this was another chromosomally normal male, that would have been conclusive evidence to me that the hocus-pocus immune stuff we've considered is perhaps actually necessary. Finding out that there was a chromsomal abnormality (which is what I strongly suspect, given my age and history) would have also been somewhat helpful for closure but since we have a history of normal chromosomal male embryo loss, wouldn't have be so much useful beyond the emotional piece. (Does that make any sense?)

I was supposed to go back in to my OB's to get another beta drawn and watch it drop to zero, but I've been super busy, and to be frank, haven't felt up to seeing all those pregnant ladies in the OB's waiting room. I tested with a very sensitive HPT late this week and it was a stark negative. Good enough for me.

Physically, this was not such a big deal. Emotionally too, it's been manageable. I was very sad for a couple of days. But I didn't invest a lot of time or money in getting pregnant, and I also haven't expected to be able to get pregnant. Given that, this surprise felt like an unexpected amazing event. Followed by a sad event. Which perhaps in sum total feels like a bit of a mind fuck, but it's not a tragedy. I chalk my attitude up to having had stage IV, terminal infertility, and then having the miracle of Magpie's pregnancy and birth. I know completely that having her defied my doctors' expectations. I'm not expecting sibs for her. Do I wish for them, long for them? Yes. But I know it's a long shot. So I think that psychological frame helped with the experience of this loss.

I have also tried to think of this surprise pregnancy as a warm-up for our frozen embryo transfer to come. I need to get all the preliminary testing, etc. out of the way so we can get that done with and answer the sibling question. I'm hoping that we can move forward on that in the next three to six months. So stay tuned on that.

But all in all, doing ok. Thanks for being there.

Resurrected from Hallmark Rejects, circa 2009.
Just seems appropriate somehow, you know?

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  1. Finally checking on some blogs again today, and so sorry to read of your loss. I had a similar thing after FET about 2h after K was born, and then nothing since. Nary a natural pg in 4 years of trying. Now 40. I guess a sibling for K is not meant to be. On the plus side, she's an easy kid, has lots of friends for playdates, and doesn't have to deal with any sibling rivalry. So there are good things about it too...
    Hugs to you both.

  2. I've been thinking a lot about you. Glad to read this update and that you sound pretty good all things considered. Still, the whole thing sucks, and I'm sorry.

  3. Oh Mo, I am sad but closure is a wonderful thing. I totally get it about the possible chromosomally normal male.

    Wishing you lots of good weather and a great week ahead :)

  4. So so sorry. I was thinking of you today and how long along you would be!! Big hugs , no words

  5. I'm sorry this pregnancy didn't stick, but you seem to be on a good path forward. Little Miss Magpie sounds like a joy.


  6. I'm sorry for your loss, Mo. As always your perspective and words are wise. Wishing you all the best as you continue to heal and move forward toward FET.

  7. I'm sorry that this pregnancy didn't stick around, but you seem to have a good attitude about it. I hope that things start to look up as you get closer to the FET!

  8. :-( Glad it's over without a D&C at the OB. Yeah, the OB's waiting room would be pretty awful right now. Hugs to you and you're miracle girl.

    Really want to reschedule that play date, but the kindergarten crud keeps visiting our home. Pukey weekend. :-/

  9. Been thinking of you. Glad that you are okay.

  10. As always, I am impressed with your tenacity and your ability to remain so grounded in the face of such crummy luck. I will keep tuned in for news of the FET, and will send up strong prayers that this *was* just a warm up to assure that your body remembers that it _CAN_ do this. Hugs.

  11. Big sigh. I'm sorry life has to be so many layers of complicated, but thankful that we can find great treasures within the folds.

  12. Oh Mo. I understand how you would be able to process this without too much grief, and yet I want to bitchslap the universe for making you go through this.

    Already sending up a prayer for your upcoming FET.

  13. I'm so sorry this couldn't have been easy for you, the sibling question wrapped up with a gorgeous bow. But I'm so happy your little miracle is keeping you sane as you sort it out. It does help to know that no matter what, we're parents, right?

  14. hi mo...
    its been 3 weeks since your last update... how are you guys doing?
    thinking of you...
    you have been thru so much-
    hoping you are well...

  15. Just poking my head in to say "Hi" and let you know that I'm thinking about you and hoping that you enjoy the Easter weekend. Hoping that your sister is doing well and that you might even get to see her and her tiny bump this holiday!

    As always, wishing you well.


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