Pardoxes of gratitude

In this weird upside down way, I think we are actually fortunate that we went all the way to the mat before conceiving Magpie. We traveled to, and lived in, a zone of despair for over a year before my pregnancy with her. By that time, we had been through 7 IVFs and 6 miscarriages, and we lived our days with the full-fledged belief that we would never have a biological family. And then, miracle, we became pregnant with Magpie, and stayed pregnant. And so because of that, because we didn't struggle a little and then get pregnant from our first or second IVF, because we went to the end game and then experienced a miracle to conceive and carry our little girl, I haven't had any of the experiences that some of my...um, less infertile? friends have had...(oh dear, sounds like I'm invoking the pain Olympics, but bear with me). What I mean is that some of those I know who have suffered, but didn't ever get to the absolute nadir that we had gotten to remain sad that their pregnancy experience was "ruined" or are bummed they couldn't get pregnant via regular intercourse, which would have been so much more romantic. Well, yeah, that would have been nice.

It's sort of, I guess, similar to the idea that if you have stage I cancer, you have room to be bummed you faced cancer at all, but if you have stage IV cancer, and are truly convinced you will die of your disease, but then somehow get a pass and you make it into a lasting remission, you may be paradoxically less upset you dealt with cancer at all and are just thankful your life was spared. As a psychologist treating a number of people with varying levels of significant medical illness, I have seen this phenomenon.

There's probably a psychological term for this that's evading me at the moment.

The silver lining of going all the way to believing that you will never get out the other side, and then staying for a significant time in that terrible place, is that when you do make it out, by some miracle of God or science or both, you are just plain grateful.

Sure it would have been nice to just have sex and get (and stay) pregnant. And sure it would have been nice to just do one or two IVFs and get (and stay) pregnant. But that wasn't in the cards for us. And because that is so far from our reality, I don't really even mourn those things. They are so distant from our experience that they have become foreign to me, which is strange to realize but true for us. For us, it just feels like all indicators pointed to a hopeless outcome. I remember one commenter even writing to us late in the journey (anonymous, of course), "Maybe it's time you see the writing on the wall? You've had the best clinic in the country transfer chromosomally normal embryos and given you every hormonal supplement they could to enable your body to support the pregnancy. And it just didn't happen." 

And they were right, although the comment really stung. We were in this hopeless, seemingly interminable cycle of IVF, pregnancy, miscarriage. Wash, rinse, repeat. With no end in sight. It was horrible. To then be gifted with a child, conceived of our own gametes, and whom I was somehow able to carry inside of my body for nine months... well, that seemed like a miraculous turn of events, and many in our medical team would probably agree.

So in this strange infertility paradox, all of that pain, all of that difficulty has led us to actually feeling greater satisfaction, more immense gratitude, than if our baby had come much more easily***.

Funny how life works sometimes, isn't it?

Mo

***Still not a recommended course of events, if you have any choice in the matter.

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Gratitudes

So many things - big and small - to be grateful for these days. It is good to take time out regularly and be mindful of these things. To be aware and thankful.

To name a few:

1. My health - having had cancer in my twenties, this is something I don't take for granted. While that diagnosis was a seismic shock at the time, it has led to the awareness that our health, our very lives, cannot just be taken for granted. I feel so lucky I got a second chance - the chance to be well again and strong.

2. My rambunctious, ever active, ever exploring little girl. She snuck into Moxie's crate this morning. She loves it in there because we now keep Moxie's food and water inside. Magpie seems to see it as her own personal water play station. She loves to run her hands through Moxie's dry food. To take the dog food into her hands and drop it - one glorious piece at a time - into the water. I think she loves the satisfying "plunk" sound it makes.  

3. Will and I have been working to carve out moments together, which is wonderful. He's been working very long hours of late, sometimes 12 hours a day, and I miss him. Magpie misses him. She runs around saying "Dadda" "Dadda" and signing it (thumb against her head with fingers outstretched) again and again. She is so thrilled to see him when he's home, as am I. One way we've been getting some time is in taking long walks together, sometimes as I'm on the way to work. It is nice to "hang out" with my husband when we can. 

4. The city in the snow. It's messy and a pain to get around, but it's almost as though it's a different place altogether than the city we live in day to day. Here's a stretch of Broadway last night. Lots of snow already at that time. Lots more that has fallen since this picture was taken.

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Sundays of grace (on any day)

I haven't written a "Sundays of Grace" post in a long time, but it seems as good a time as any to resurrect these posts. I love how Susan at sprogblogger.com uses this format to capture the many small (but momentous in their own way) moments with her son, Henry. We have so many moments here, and I am often thinking to post about them, but then I don't have time at that minute... and then... I'm off to the next task or adventure.

So here goes...

1. Walk in Central Park in the early morning: Magpie seems to wake like clockwork at 5:30AM, no matter what time we put her down the night before. And Will and I are not really early morning people (especially me). So this morning, we got up and out around 6:45 AM and took Moxie and Magpie to Central Park, stopping at a Starbucks along the way. We let Moxie off-leash (allowed at that early hour) and played fetch with her with various sticks. And Magpie watched from her stroller. I was pleased that we were able to take something we struggle with and are not so fond of (these weekend early morning wakenings) and instead celebrate it and make a memory.

2. Magpie is becoming such a little person these days. She swivels her head around to look right and left, to take in everything. Her eyes brighten when she catches yours, or her image of herself in the mirror. She's even started to notice Moxie and to reach for her paw (almost like she wants to hold hands) or her ear when she is nearby. She makes a "spppptttt" noise with her lips and she loves when I do it to and she and I can "converse" (in spit, I guess!). She loves reaching for things, for everything.

3. My girl is a girl on the go. Always. She loves to make a jumping motion with her legs if she is held in a standing position (which is one of her favorite positions), and if she is in your arms or on her stomach or back, she is kicking, kicking, kicking. Multiple people have said that we will be in for it once Magpie starts crawling. I think we will need to be vigilant but that Magpie will be so so happy to be able to move on her own. She is one determined girl, and it is pretty frustrating to her to not be able to get to whatever she has her mind set on. I think with crawling will come great relief for her.

4. Warm days outside. It is such a pleasure to have warmer weather again and to be able to take Magpie outside to the park or playground or just out on the sidewalks of Manhattan. Especially because she's at an age that she's taking in everything around her. She loves to watch the children on the playground and to watch dogs and passerby in the street. She loves the colors and shapes at our local market Fairway or at our neighborhood pharmacy Duane Reade. Nice now that the weather is cooperating to get outside with her and take a leisurely stroll. Only when she's in a strolling mood of course : )

Magpie trying out a swing for the first time at the playground.

5. Magpie's personality: My mom was here visiting and described Magpie's personality as "mellow but driven," and I think that's a pretty good description of her. She's generally a pretty happy girl, but she definitely knows what she wants, and she is not afraid to let you know. As a bit of a people-pleaser myself, I kind of admire this trait in her : )

6. I am in a phase where I am in love with Magpie. Just besotted. I think that I could cover her entire body with kisses. That I could gobble her up with my affection. I think at the moment she might like that, too. It won't always be so, but for now, we can enjoy moments where we just bask in each other.

7.  Sometimes I look at Magpie and I think I catch a glimpse of the little girl she is on the way to becoming, rather than the itty bitty baby she has been. I look at her and think I see her older self for a moment, just for a split second. And my eyes fill up. I still can't believe she is alive, that she is here. Even more impossible to think that she is growing up, a little bit every day, right before my eyes.

Mo

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Sundays of grace #30

1. Dinner this weekend in a backyard garden in Brooklyn with Sprogblogger and her husband, Will and me. Warm spring night candlelight dining under the trees. So wonderful to experience a friendship unfolding and to see it develop even into couples' friends. Definitely something to be grateful for.

2. Will has had the opportunity to moonlight this weekend, earning some much needed extra funds for us. It's meant he's worked 20 hours today and yesterday, including an overnight, pretty grueling in addition to his regular work schedule. Hard as that schedule is, we both know we are so lucky to even have jobs in this economy and even luckier to have opportunities like this come up so that we can dig out of the debt from the last IVF and tuck some funds away for the next one.

3. Dare I say it? Seems like summer weather out there yesterday and today. Time for barbecues and picnics and warm evening strolls in the city. Will and I are both working today, but maybe tonight we can take little Ms. Moxie for a walk along the river. Soak up the warm air and walk hand in hand with our Boxer puppy.

Mo

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Sundays of grace #29

1. We are down in DC for the weekend to pick up Will's parents and drive them back to NYC and we are having a lovely time away from it all, tucked into our hotel, jogging around the Capitol, visiting with my sister, and noshing with good friends we haven't seen in far too long. It is so nice to get away from everything together and enjoy a rare morning of sleeping in, cuddling, enjoying a leisurely breakfast. And pretty awesome to get to supplement all that relaxing with some good social time with friends and family.

2. Spring weather - it's so capricious, and we're so enjoying it. This week was bright sunshine one minute, and then a sudden cooling thunderstorm, and then bright sunshine again. It's completely unpredictable and completely refreshing.

3. Ms. Moxie. She went to training camp while we were off in Colorado for the last IVF cycle and she came home a much more poised puppy - one who sits, and stays, and comes, and goes into the kennel, and leaves the room on command. We've been enjoying her much improved behavior - and it seems like she feels more settled too, understanding better what's expected of her and how to fit in comfortably with our little family of three. This weekend she's upstate running and playing with other doggies in the country - it will be great to see her when we get home.

Mo

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Sundays of grace #28

What am I grateful for this week?

1. You guys. Did you see the post on attachment in adoption and the thoughtful responses it drew? Many complete with links to other blogs discussing this topic? Wow. Thank you. Not just for me, but for others down the line who might google the topic and land here and find your comments and your links to more thoughtful thoughts on the topic. This is scary territory for many and yet a bunch of you took the plunge and gave your opinions. You guys rock.

2. Psychology training last week. I spent the week out of town at another university getting certified in a type of therapy I use in my clinical and research work (I have an intervention grant to provide this for the next two years). It was fun to solidify my skills, but what was even cooler was getting to talk to colleagues from the training facility who are world leaders in my clinical and research area and bounce ideas back and forth. They invited me to collaborate on a project with them, and I was able to help one of them think of a new way to analyze his data. And the best part of it all? That I was reminded that I LOVE what I do. To be able to (hopefully) help people and to try to improve the evidence base and develop new treatments/improve on existing treatments. Does professional life get any better? A great chance to step back from the small disappointments and stress of an academic medical life to remember why I do what I do.

3. Date night with Will in Chinatown last night. Because I was out of town at my training all week and we were both working like mad people the week before that and then the week before THAT, Will was in San Diego for a conference for a week...all this adds up to feeling like I haven't seen my husband - not really seen him and cherished him - in ages. And you know what? I missed him. So despite yesterday being super packed and us both being exhausted - me after meeting with a group of bereaved military families on an Army base in outer Brooklyn and Will working most of the day at an outside hospital on a consulting gig - we came together last night, went out to eat in Chinatown and had a splendid time. Yay for date night! And an even bigger yay for husbands. I've missed mine! Oh, and you want to know what my fortune cookie said? "An old broom will gather the greatest amount of dirt." You should have seen Will laughing - deep belly laughs - when I opened it...Hmmm....

Mo

Sundays of grace #27

1. Springtime with boxer puppy in the country! We took Moxie this weekend up to Will's parents' place and as soon as we got here, she bounded out of the car and up the hill. She has spent the past day running and running and running, launching herself off a particularly steep bit of hill and leaping to the bottom, then running back up the hillside again. At one point, she even launched herself into the pond on their property, chasing after a stick. She's never swum before, but figured it out pretty quickly (and before Will or I had to go in after her!) Last night, lying in our laps as we watched a movie, she was one tuckered - completely adorable - pooch.

2. Forsythia is in bloom!!!! And we are taking a bunch of it back to our NYC apartment!!! It will be beautiful and a way to bring a bit of the country back with us. So wonderful!

3.Tomorrow, we'll speak with Dr. Schl. at the Denver clinic to get his thoughts on the three outlier normals and their chances of implantation. We already talked to our RE here at the NYC clinic and his take on the situation was pretty bleak, unfortunately. Given that Dr. Schl. is not known for being overly optimistic - plus the fact that these embryos were grown by and are housed in his lab - we're really looking forward to his thoughts and promise to post after we talk to him. Although we are concerned about what we may hear, we are grateful to be able to get some information (or at least his opinion) and to make decisions about transferring and/or cycling again.

Mo

Sundays of grace #26

1. The weather is breathtakingly gorgeous and it makes all problems seem more manageable, all difficulties a little lighter. Trees are blooming everywhere, and all around people seem a little more relaxed, a little less strained than they did in the wintertime. The warmth, the sunshine, the blue sky, I didn't realize how much I missed them all during this year's long winter. But it is fantastic to have them back again.

2. Our not-so-little boxer puppy Moxie has been home a week now from her training adventure - and it is so so great to have her back. We took the opportunity for her to get some training while we were away anyway in Colorado for our latest IVF cycle. She learned many new tricks and is quite the well-behaved puppy. And that is very nice, because she is a joy to have around now. But mostly, it's just awesome to have her home, snuggling with us, constantly bringing balls our way for us to throw for her, just being her Moxieness, all full of energy and love and affection.

3. Both Will and I are working way too much these days. He's been pulling 14 hour days at the hospital this weekend - blech. And I'm covering for a few coworkers due to illness and Passover striking our staff at the same time. While this has been difficult in some respects and means an increased workload, it also means I'm covering a number of inpatients whom I wouldn't usually see. While it's been busy, it's also a great reminder that I love clinical work and the chance to work with patients. I'm grateful for this reminder of what makes my work life most rewarding.

Mo

Sundays of grace #25

1. My sister is here for a visit! It's always a pleasure to see her - she lives about four hours away but came into town for a conference. Yeah for sisters! My sis has been especially wonderful about all of our infertility struggles. About a year ago, she offered to donate her eggs to us if we wanted them. How amazing is that? She will turn 30 soon, so has much younger oocytes than I do. I don't know if we could ever take her up on her offer, but how incredible that she would make such a gesture, and that even after about 50 conversations on the topic is still very open and enthusiastic about the idea.

2. Will is home from his medical conference. It was nice to have a week of dinners with my girlfriends and get lots of reading done, but it is also SO nice to have Will back home again. Plus he's picked up a new hobby - surfing. Who knew you could learn to surf at a medical conference?! I'm so grateful to have this man in my life.

3. Beautiful pot of blue hydrangeas on my windowsill. Bringing a bit of the springtime into our apartment, which is wonderful, especially now that the weather has turned grey and cold again. Lovely, blue pillows of color with vivid green leaves. So glad we got them.

Mo

Sundays of grace #24

1. It's been winter for so long it seems, and now - seemingly out of nowhere - it is full on springtime. Green grass and crocuses and daffodils blooming. A warm breeze and sunshine, people lazing about in the park, reading on the grass, no coats, no jackets even. How did that happen? An amazing transformation.

2. Hope. It has been in such short supply since August, when we lost our fifth pregnancy. Even doing this latest IVF cycle, I had to drag myself through the motions of the stimulation, the monitoring, unable to believe that anything could go right. And fearing that if my heart was so damaged that I had no hope, it couldn't possibly turn out ok. And yet. We had a great retrieval. And somehow the Denver lab has made us so many blasts to test with microarray that I can hardly believe it. And there it is...hope, creeping timidly in, that maybe, just maybe, we could have a family. Hope, you terrify me. And I feel so fortunate to see you again.

3. Will has so much going on - his father is sick, his work is ridiculously stressful right now - and yet he not only physically showed up to do his part to make all this a success, he's been consistently emotionally showing up as well, standing beside me, with me. Making me believe that together we can get through anything. Being present, even when it is hard to do. What a gift. Thank you, Will. I am so grateful for your courage. For your presence here beside me.

Mo