At yesterday's ultrasound, the RE saw me working feverishly on my dissertation data. (Again. Last time he saw me, I was also doing this.) As he was leaving the room, he said, "Try not to stress about getting your dissertation done."
Which made me start to think about stress and IVF, and the possibility that stress might inhibit egg development or increase chromosomal abnormalities or make my womb an (even more) inhospitable home.
And then I started to feel more stressed.
So then I thought, "Well, now I am really stressed. So I must really be jeopardizing my chances." I could feel my heart beating faster, and that tightness in my stomach. Which I then noticed, and started to think "Oh, no! These are physical signs of stress, surely impacting my cortisol levels and adrenal functioning, which have got to impact reproductive functioning, don't they?!" which made me feel stressed, which made me think...
You can see where this is going.
It's such a catch-22. I want to (need to?) keep my life going as normally as possible. And my life at this juncture of my training happens to be very strenuous. I'm on a clinical internship at a major NYC med center, which is more than a full-time job, completing my dissertation, applying for and interviewing for fellowships. And doing IVF. It is what it is. But, um, stress-free it is not.
Recently, I grappled with whether to apply for a grant (even though it would be a more stressful route), and I ended up doing so to keep future options as open as possible for a potential clinical research career. And now it is looking as though I will likely be funded, but that if my dissertation isn't done very soon, I will have to forfeit the grant. And I have a supervisor at the hospital who minces into my office and says things like, "The whole department has put themselves on the line for you. I would hate for them to be disappointed." Uh, Thanks. Hence, STRESS!
Sometimes I fantasize about just slowing down next year and doing something part-time. But then I wonder how I will feel if I do that just to increase my chances of having a baby, and then I still don't have a baby. Then I would have downregulated my career (which I have spent years and years training for) with nothing to show for it.
And then on the other hand, if we do succeed at some point, then that's when I will really want to take a step back and slow things down to smell the roses (or the baby's toes...well, you know what I mean). And wouldn't it be nice to have a rigorous career to return to someday (should I want it), or to kick back into full-gear.
So my question for you today is how do you you approach this dilemma? Ever feel a pull between the quest to have a family and your career? Ever feel that the stress of your life may be impeding your success? And how do you work around this?
Mo
p.s. It's snowing! I'm taking a "vacation" day to work on my dissertation (vacation, my ass), and the fire escape stairs outside my living room window are covered in pillows of snow. It's coming down at a good clip. Love it! I may have to take a walk later.
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