Are you pregnant?

My co-worker asked me two days ago. Point blank, at 14 weeks, 5 days.

We were meeting in her office, her door open to some cubicles where other administrative co-workers of mine sit.

I'm leaning over her desk looking at some stats on her screen, and without thinking, I put my hand on my stomach.

"Are you pregnant?" She asks.

Reflexively I say no.

She starts profusely apologizing for asking me that, saying how sorry she is, how inappropriate she was to ask.

I feel really awful, because she feels so awful. Especially because she is right. I am pregnant. I try to reassure her as quickly as possible and move back to our work.

But she feels terrible. And I feel terrible. We end the interaction.

Afterward, I try to sit with my discomfort over how bad she is feeling, to just tolerate it.

But a couple hours later I call her into my office. We go over some other work-related stuff and then at the end, I say I have something to tell her. That I'm not going public with this yet but that I am pregnant. That I didn't want her to feel badly for sensing it, and that I wasn't comfortable being dishonest with her.

She was over the moon happy for me. She is very discreet and said she wouldn't tell anyone. I trust her with the information, although I think in the next couple of weeks I may have to come out with this.

I look pregnant. (Thanks, prednisone!) I saw my very pregnant (37 weeks!) psychologist friend on Friday at a bagel store and she had a post-doc with her from her institution. My friend said the post-doc asked her later if I was pregnant. If even strangers are wondering, this information isn't going to keep for long.

So I'm processing that. Trying to figure out if I can handle people knowing. It's scary, but maybe it is almost time.

Mo

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14 weeks 5 days update

I saw the OB yesterday. The baby was active again, as usual, kicking and waving around. You could see its spine clearly, and ribs, and the two hemispheres of the brain. All looks good. Very healthy.

I think the plan is to start the cervix checks next week, just to be super careful. And I think the week after that will be the AFP test, to look for any signs of neural tube defects.

So things are progressing! Physically, I'm getting bigger too. I have porn star cleavage at this point. I put on a spring coat, rather than a winter coat this morning, because it was a bit warmer than it has been. And lo and behold, buttoning around the boobage is fast becoming an issue. Oh my. Belly is larger, too. Baby is supposedly the size of my fist now, according to one of my pregnancy newsletters. Is that possible? It seems huge! Also, one of my coworkers asked me yesterday if I was pregnant. Uh oh! So I don't know how much longer I can keep this secret. It still feels too vulnerable and fragile to share. And I can't imagine the pain of "untelling," if I were to lose the baby now. But I think I won't be able to wait until I feel completely comfortable (because I don't think that time is coming anytime soon!). So we will see.

In terms of the dermatological surgery/procedure to remove the basal cell, as expected, my OB basically said, "What's the big deal?" She did acknowledge that non-OBs are very skittish to do anything to a pregnant woman, because if something goes wrong with the pregnancy, they fear being blamed. She said to stop the lovenox the night before and just take it after the procedure. She said the epinepherine would have been fine too but, oh well.

But nothing will go wrong! Nothing! I keep repeating this to myself. Along with, Stay in there. Stay in there a long, long time and grow.

Here's hoping.

See below for the first picture of our baby "sitting up." Some uterine and cervix assistance was required : ) See the lovely baby spine? I guess all that grass-fed organic milk is going somewhere after all.

Mo

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Don't touch the pregnant lady!

Last week, I finally saw a surgical consult for that basal cell carcinoma I was diagnosed with back in March. I had been dragging my feet on it, because (1) I've had other things to think about, and (2) I thought it would be better to handle while not pregnant...and so expecting I would any time find myself un-pregnant again, thought I would wait a bit to see if I miscarried.

But no miscarriage. Which is a really good thing. Really, really good, mindblowing-ly good thing.

But it meant I needed to see someone about this lesion, since the derm who biopsied it said it was a no-go to wait until after delivery.

So last week, I saw a Mohs surgeon in private practice who came highly recommended. It was a strange appointment in that at the beginning he was telling me all about the procedure but about halfway through seemed to change his mind and suggested I see the one Mohs surgeon at my hospital, because really I should be seen in a hospital setting, not that anything adverse would happen, but well, just because it would be best to be on the safe side. It was very strange to watch him switch gears mid-Mohs-pitch. When I went to pay, the admin said that the surgeon had said there would be no charge for the visit.

Wow...he was glad to get rid of me. Funnily...I didn't even tell him about the recurrent pregnancy losses. Can you imagine how fast he would have had me out of there in that case?

So, I went to the one Mohs surgeon here at my medical center Monday. She was very nice. Said the case was very interesting (which made me think that her job must be seriously boring, because this is really not very interesting...we're talking about something between the size of a pencil eraser and a dime...on my back...non-malignant even).

But anyway...She begins with the idea that we should wait until I deliver (still hard not to balk that that word "deliver," as in "to deliver a baby," might ever have anything to do with me). That if we wait until after delivery, it will be easier then. It will be a little bigger, so I'll have a slightly larger scar, but no big deal. I shouldn't wait long after delivery, though, because, well...the longer we wait, the more it is growing...Of course, she said, if the lesion starts growing more quickly than expected, I should come right in. Because it can always be taken care of, no problem! I reminded her that this lesion is on my back, so if it starts growing  more quickly, I probably won't really know it, it being on my back and all...hmmm....

She then went into a big explanation about how after the procedure, because of the lesion's location, I'll need to avoid lifting anything for a few weeks or it will pull open the incision, and also will need to rest a lot for the first four days or so to ensure it heals properly. I asked her, by rest a lot, do you mean get up every two hours to feed a newborn? (no, apparently not). By not lift anything, do you mean to not lift a baby?? (hmmm...turns out she hadn't thought about that either).

We'd reached some major snags in her plan.

Me: Is there any problem with doing the procedure now? Is it unsafe or risky for my pregnancy?

Her: Oh no. It's perfectly safe! It would just be easier later.

Me: Mmmm.... (since we'd already outlined in detail how it wouldn't really be easier later at all).

Me: I could stop the Lovenox, just the night before, to reduce the bleeding, since there's no real medical indication for me to be on it. And then just take it after the procedure is over.

Her: Oh no! You can't stop the Lovenox!!!

Me: Mmmmm....

Me: Well, how about I ask my OB if it's ok by her if you use a small amount of epinephrine to control the bleeding? Since that will only go into local tissues, right?

Her: I won't use epinephrine even if she says it's fine. What if it somehow gets into a blood vessel, travels to your placenta, and clots off the blood flow to your baby?

Me: Mmmmm...ok, then, no epinephrine.

We ended up with scheduling the procedure for next week. It was either then or in July. Sooner seemed better, because I'll have to lie on my stomach for a few hours during it apparently, which already sounds pretty uncomfortable, but soon - if I am lucky - may be impossible.

Her: I can do the surgery with you lying on your side, but the outcome won't be as good.

Me: Mmmmm...

The only big difference to doing it now versus later is that she won't use epinephrine, which is used to reduce bleeding. Between the lack of that and the addition of lovenox and aspirin, this whole thing may look like a blood bath. But not really. I hope.

I told Will about the interaction when I got home, and he said, "What is this, open heart surgery? What's the big deal?"

My thought exactly. The whole consultation - well, both of them actually - was weird. Like they were saying it's fine to do the procedure, but then also saying they didn't want to go forward. Strange contradiction. Hard to try to read between the lines. And also confusing: why did the first derm say absolutely not to wait, and now the surgeons want to wait?

Puzzling. I've become the pregnancy version of the hot potato for dermatological surgeons in New York City. Or at least for two of them.

I'll see what my OB says about all this tomorrow when I see her.

Mo

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Weekend uterine freak out

This weekend was my talk up in Rochester. My husband Will took a couple of days off, we gathered our boxer Moxie's things and loaded her in the car, and we all headed up there together, planning to spend a couple of days tooling around the Finger Lakes after the talk.

The talk went well. It's a little tiring to be on my feet for a couple of hours, but no biggie - the energy of presenting tends to carry me through. After my talk, I spent several hours holed up in my hotel room finishing writing a second talk that my boss is right now giving on my behalf in San Jose, California.

That night, I noticed some uterine discomfort. I tend to have this once or twice a week. I'm not sure what causes it, but I picture the baby getting bigger in little spurts, sometimes causing my uterus to stretch. Usually, the pain is brief. I've gotten pretty used to it.

However, this night, it lasts all through dinner. I feel it as I'm falling asleep. Then while I'm restlessly trying to sleep, I feel the sensation intensifying into discomfort along my whole left side, enough that even in my dreams I am in pain.

I dream that something is wrong with the baby and that I need to go to the hospital. In the dream, Will pooh poohs me and won't come with me, so I am in a strange city on my own, looking for the hospital. I finally get there, but they don't do an ultrasound. I don't know if the baby is ok.

I wake up, really uncomfortable physically.

Tossing and turning, I have this dim idea that I'm having a placental abruption. I have the half-awake/half-asleep dream thought that the baby is dead because I was silly enough to travel out of town to give a talk. Because of course, giving talks kills babies, an irrational notion I can't seem to shake.

I wake up. It is morning. I am still crampy.

All the cobwebs of the night before merge. I am convinced that the dreams were prescient in some way. I am scared that the pregnancy is over.

I tell Will about my nightmares and about the cramping, but I don't want to freak him out about how freaked out I am. As soon as he takes Moxie for her morning walk, I whip out the doppler...fumbling around with it...and for the life of me I can't find the baby's heartbeat. I'm starting to panic.

And then finally...after what seems like an eternity...there it is.

Super strong. Galloping like a horse. A heart rate in the 140s, 150s. Loud, unmistakable.

I almost cry with relief.

Within a couple of hours, the left-sided pain subsides. Still don't know what it was. Round ligament pain, maybe? Dehydration?

My uterus was quiet the rest of the weekend. And is fine now. Baby's heartbeat still going strong, as of this morning.

I, on the other hand, think I might have lost a few years off of my life.

Mo


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FAQs: (in)Frequently Answered Questions

There has been a build-up again of questions, so I thought I would take a post to answer some of the ones that have come in lately. Sorry if this post is boring - since many people have asked the same or similar questions, I thought this might be an efficient way to handle answering them.

1. I was wondering what your immune issues were/are and how they were treated? What?! You don't have our reproductive nightmares committed to memory? Of course, you don't. You have a life. So long story short, after our fifth consecutive loss, I saw a reproductive immunologist for some of the more controversial/ less mainstream testing that REs don't usually do. He did a ton of blood work and told me I had the following abnormalities:
   
   positive for antiovarian antibodies, abnormal TH1:TH2 cytokine ratio, high natural killer cell assay, abnormal leukocyte antibodies, DQ Alpha partial match with my husband.
   
   He recommended IVIG. Because it was so expensive, and I wasn't convinced by the lack of science behind it, I tried intralipids for pregnancy #6 (much cheaper and easier on the body). After I lost that chromosomally normal pregnancy, I tried IVIG for pregnancy #7.
   
   I'm not totally convinced this is what did the trick, but things are definitely going better than ever now, so I am sticking with it. My fourth IVIG is coming up soon.
   
2. What are you going to do with this blog once you have the baby? Um, keep writing it? Honestly, I haven't considered this exactly, because I'm so busy with the trying-to-stay-pregnant and being-pregnant thing. It's actually a good question, because I know some bloggers stop writing or create a new space. I'm imagining I'll keep writing here, although obviously the writing will change. We've always hoped to have 2 or 3 children. Now that it looks like we might actually get to have one (one step at a time - not getting ahead of myself!), we are starting to talk about what we would and wouldn't be willing to go through to have another child. I certainly won't spend another five years and have six more losses to do it, I'll tell you that. But if we decide to try for more, we might adopt, or use a donor egg, assuming the frozens we have can't make a baby (which they likely can't). Point being, even if we reach the miracle outcome of a real live baby, I'll still be super infertile (just damned lucky). So I think this space is still the right place to write.
   
3. Does your list of blogs on the sidebar get a lot of traffic? Does it bring a lot of traffic to your blog every day? i have to admit, sometimes i come to your blog just to find new blogs, the blogs that you have stumbled upon somehow. i wonder how much traffic they get coming from your blogs every day?! Some of those on my blogroll may have to step up here and comment, because I don't know how much traffic their sites get from me. To be honest, I don't really put a lot of emphasis on traffic. I write because it helps keep me sane, and because I've grown fond - very fond - of this community and the people in it. I'm lucky to have a strong readership who've stuck with me during some really tough times. I'm super grateful for that. Occasionally, someone who I've newly put on my blogroll will email me because they've seen readers coming to them from my blog, so I know some folks definitely click over. But honestly, I put blogs on my blog roll that touch me in some way, or that I can relate to. So mostly it's something I do for myself, so I can follow those blogs. But it would be a nice bonus if they got some new readers that way.
   
4. I see you're using the term "gender" of the baby. Do you make a distinction between sex and gender? Just curious since you and Will both are in the medical field and you're in psychology. Ooh. Good question. There of course is a distinction, but no, when I wrote gender on my blog, I was commingling it with "sex" - as in, will the baby genetically be male or female. So to be more correct, I should have said "sex" of the baby. Good catch!
   
5. How much does it cost to freeze your eggs? I don't really know, as I haven't done this (despite doing or thinking about doing so many other things!) I'm thinking it's about $10,000-$12,000 per attempt. And if you were trying to preserve your fertility you might want to freeze two or three cycles worth, because an egg is not an embryo. And an embryo does not necessarily a baby make. Believe me. If eggs = babies, I'd have 110 babies (move over, Octomom! But well, we may get one baby out of it all - which is unusually terrible luck, I grant you, but still, you get the idea). My recommendation? Call a reproductive endocrinologist's office and ask about egg retrieval/freezing costs. Much better than relying on my best guess. One other thing is that when I talked to Dr. Schl. about this in regards to my sister potentially needing it, he said he would only recommend two centers in the U.S. for egg freezing. His own (no surprise), and a well-known clinic in Atlanta. You'd want to do some research on the best places to be sure whatever clinic you pick has a top-notch lab and vitrification capabilities.

That's plenty of questions for today. Feel free to leave any other questions in the comments section. I promise to answer them sometime-ish soon. And yes, I know, absolute Yay!! that I'm not having any calamities and therefore can do things like post with answers to questions.

Mo

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