Tragedy

There is much loss in the blogosphere this week. Too much to even fathom. It is devastating and terrifying.

Please go send support to Leigh, who found out yesterday she lost her baby unexpectedly at 16 weeks gestation.

And to Leslie, who lost her baby boy at 18 weeks gestation yesterday. Both of these brave women are undergoing inductions today.

Also, last Saturday, M. gave birth  - and had to say goodbye - to her triplets one day shy of 23 weeks.

Please take a moment to offer all of these women your strength and support as they go through unthinkable losses.

Mo

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20 week belly pic

Here I am again...headless Mo. Still pregnant. Ever bigger. Oh my.


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The 20 week milestone

Reaching 20 weeks is a big pregnancy milestone. I am thrilled we are here. That the little one is still alive.

I had been doing ok with my fear levels until about a week or so ago...and then as we approached the 20 week mark, all hell broke loose internally. I became terrified that the baby would die before we reached 20 weeks. In my nerve-wracked mind (and in medical terminology), her death before 20 weeks would be miscarriage #7. Should she make it past 20 weeks, and then die, she would be stillborn. She would be counted differently, as my child, as having been here. Of course this is all semantics. Nothing magical happened between last Friday and Saturday. Same little one. Same emotional impact of her death, if that had occurred. But I felt so afraid that she might just get lumped in with all the other losses, and be, well, "lost" amidst my history of recurrent miscarriage.

Perhaps needless to say, but while I was in this terrified state of mind, imagining this little one making it full-term, and being born alive, and joining our family...well that was a tall, somewhat impossible, order.

In this strange, dark way, 20 weeks became this critical milestone to get to.

I saw the OB last week and immediately she could tell I was much more anxious than I have been. She wanted to know why, and I tried to explain. I ended up crying on the exam table about wanting this baby's life "to count." I could tell that I shocked her. I haven't been so emotional this whole pregnancy. I haven't let myself get emotionally invested.

But as usual, she was great. Reassuring, normalizing. Saying I've been holding myself back this whole time, and now it's hitting me. I am pregnant. There is a real baby inside of me. A baby I could lose, just like all the others, and have my heart shattered. She listened, she reassured me. She checked everything checkable. Cervix is long and closed. Blood pressure good. Urine fine. Weight gain fine. She had me list my fears again and we went over them one by one:

preterm labor
preeclampsia
PPROM
cervical incompetence

She said preterm labor doesn't happen this early unless I'm dilating. And I'm not. I look fine so far for preeclampsia. PPROM also almost impossible unless I start dilating. And cervical incompetence (which could lead to many of my other fears) we are checking for weekly and see no evidence of.

I have another anatomy scan this Friday. We will check on everything checkable. Again. I will get a cervical measurement done. My mom will be here visiting and will come with Will and me. I think it will thrill her beyond imagining to see the scan. This is her first time to see me this pregnancy. Her first time to see me visably pregnant ever. Another milestone.

I've been checking on little Magpie almost daily with the doppler. She's in there cooking. She's the size of a cantaloupe. She's doing fine as far as we know.

Her mama is a bundle of nerves but is hanging in there too. I just need Ms. Magpie to stay in there for another 8 weeks minimum.

Stay in there. Stay alive. Stay in there. Stay alive.

I repeat this to her in an urgent whisper several times a day.

So far, she seems to be listening.

Mo


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Belly pic: 19 weeks

Here by popular demand... a belly shot from this past Friday. Can you see why I am getting offered a seat on the subway now? Um, yeah. Weird. Hard to believe this is me.

Mo

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FAQs: (In)Frequently Answered Questions

Herewith, the latest installment of (In)Frequently Answered Questions, a compilation of questions asked...with answers...

1. How you are feeling pregnant? [asked from when I was around 14 weeks] Aside from the doppler, how would you know you are pregnant?  At 14 weeks, I had some heartburn/indigestion, occasional uterine fullness/pinching feeling (about 2x/week), ginormous breasts, food aversions (less powerful than previously but powerful enough), leg cramps, and bloating. Now that I am 19 weeks, there really is no question. I look pregnant. I can feel my uterus at times in my abdomen and it comes up almost to my belly button. I think I might be feeling the little one move occasionally. And I think I might be having the beginning of Braxton Hicks...sometimes I feel my whole uterus tighten up...doesn't hurt...just strange. I also have almost daily leg cramps, which are making it difficult to sleep, and even more ginormous breasts than I had in the first trimester (yowza).
2. I've been wondering about the other meds you've been on (prednisone/claritin/pepcid). What doses? When did you start them? How long did you stay on them for? I took Claritin (10 mg 1x/day) and Pepcid (20 mg 2x/day) starting a week before transfer, and took them throughout the first trimester, stopping at 12 weeks. I also took prednisone 5mg 2x/day throughout the first trimester, also beginning about a week before the transfer. All of these were supposed to help with recurrent pregnancy loss and were recommended by the Denver clinic.
3. May I ask, if you remember off the top of your head, how much was your Natural Killer Cell %? No chance I would ever remember this off the top of my head, but I looked it up for you...my NK Assay panel had two abnormalities: CD56 (which was 2 points above normal at 14.1%) and CD19 and CD5 cells, which were 10 points above normal at 20.8%. I think if I'd only had NK issues, I could have used intralipids, but I also had TH1:TH2 abnormalities, antiovarian antibodies, a DQ alpha partial match, and leukocyte antibodies. Based on this, my RI recommended IVIG.
4. What do you and Will call Lucky #7/Lance/Yumster? We call her mostly "The Baby." I know, not very original, but it gets the point across. Sometimes, lately, we call her "Magpie." I am not sure why we do this, but it seems to have stuck a bit.
5. Have you kept up with the anti-inflammatory diet? If so - have you gotten used to it? I was religiously keeping up with this throughout the first trimester. I have to admit, I have slipped, and have allowed gluten back into my diet. The funny thing is that Will went on this diet with me because that's the awesome kind of husband that he is, and he has discovered that he now has major GI issues whenever he consumes even small amounts of gluten. He got the blood sensitivity test, and tested negative, but reliably, even when he is unaware of having consumed it, has major GI repercussions the day after any gluten. Me, the one with the supposed blood-tested sensitivity? Nothing. I feel great when I have a bowl of cereal or a piece of bread. So...well...yeah...I haven't been as good about it as I probably should be.
6. Are you taking belly pics? If yes, can we see them? We have been very hesitant to take belly pics (it feels dangerous in some way, as though it is assuming we are having a baby, which might somehow doom the pregnancy). At the same time, I am sad we haven't been taking them. We took the first one a few days ago (after much urging from all of you!). I will post it later this week.

Mo

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