I think the doppler is saving my life.
At first, the doppler was a device I feared, because picking up the heart beat was so tricky and iffy. I didin't try it much, because I knew I would panic if I couldn't find the heart beat.
I'm still a little scared of it, but I can find the heart beat now usually within a second or two and easily distinguish it from my own even if the number isn't appearing on the monitor.
It is so reassuring. It is wonderful.
In a funny way, I am more scared now. Because I feel like we have a whole lot more to lose. The thing is that now that we are this far, at 13 weeks 3 days, I feel like we've got the real deal going on. There's an actual (but very small) baby in there. According to one of my pregnancy e-newsletters, the baby has fingerprints now! It is starting to grow hair! The first trimester this time I didn't feel like it was a real baby so much. I felt like we had a pretty neat blob in there and we'd see if it would keep progressing or if it would just stop, as it has the six previous pregnancies.
So things feel very real now. And at the same time, it's too early to really look too pregnant (I just look fat) or to feel the baby move. My symptoms are also subsiding a bit. I'm still tired but it's not so bone crushing as it was a few weeks ago. My appetite is still off, but my sense of smell has calmed some, no longer making it so hard to walk down the Manhattan streets. And sometimes because of all this, my mind gets the better of me.
I have scary thoughts like, "You're not so sick (or tired) because it's over." Or "You don't feel so pregnant because you're not."
Hence the miracle of the doppler that one of you generously sent.
If the fears become too great, I can just do a quick check that night - usually lasting only for 10 seconds or so. And so far...voila! Instant reassurance.
Instant heart beat.
It's pretty amazing, really.
I thought I would only use the doppler once a week or so, but it's come in handy to have it every other day(ish) recently. It's been an incredible sanity saver.
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