Sunday, April 1, 2012

Maybe things were going too well?


Will and I went up to Connecticut with Moxie yesterday and took Ms. Mox out for a walk along the beach and then took Will's mom out for dinner.

We haven't told really anyone (except for you guys and our doctors) about this pregnancy and have been weighing when to tell our moms. Will decided yesterday, 10 weeks on the nose, was the day for us to tell his mom. She was very excited for us, a little cautious because of our terrible history, but excited. The first thing she said was that she might cry (and she is not an emotionally expressive person).  She agreed to keep the news to herself, for now, with the promise that we will tell Will's sister, whom he is close to, soon. The only hard part for me was when she asked me, "Is it yours?" She knows we considered using a donor. And I knew what she meant, and she is 75 years old, but gosh, however we get a baby, that baby will be mine, will be ours, 100%.

All in all, it felt good to tell her. But scary. Because what if something bad happens now? What if telling actually makes something bad happen?

After dinner, we stop by her condo, I go to the bathroom, and I am spotting. Red. Not a huge amount, but not nothing.

My uterus is unhappy too. Not cramping exactly, but irritated. Burning almost.

Cue panic on my part. A desperate need to get home. Right. Then.

Which Will obliged me on.

I've been staying close to my bed since then. Had a friend who is in town come over for a casual breakfast and chat because that was previously planned and not strenuous, but otherwise, I am supine. In bed. On self-imposed bed rest.

The spotting is brown now, which is better than pink/red, but still!

I am trying not to panic. Trying not to think that telling someone we were pregnant was enough to end the pregnancy. Trying not to be hypervigilant about symptoms. Am I less nauseated? Less tired? Less acute sense of smell? Whenever I notice my mind going in that direction, I stop myself. I don't need to monitor this. There is nothing I can do.

I pray the baby is still alive. We are trying to arrange an ultrasound check for tomorrow if possible. My OB is out on vacation all week making this a bit more complicated, but we are trying other avenues.

I will keep you posted. But I just wish things were a little more boring over here.

Mo

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50 comments:

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) Keeping you in my prayers.

myfertilityjourney said...

Hang in there Mo. Hope you can get that ultrasound tomorrow for peace of mind. It has to be all fine, it has to.

TheThirtiesGirl said...

UTI? Anytime anyone says burning that is immediately what my mind heads to...Either way I hope it's nothing and you can get in for an ultrasound tomorrow for a little reassurance.

Sarah said...

It's probably OK. But.... there's always that "what if it's not?" for you guys. So I'll reaffirm that you can bleed and cramp without losing the pregnancy (I did!), and I hope that you can get some reassurance tomorrow.

Thinking of you. *hugs*

Pie said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry you are having spotting. I really hop you can get in for an u/s tomorrow. And I like what TheThirtiesGirl said, maybe an UTI? Could you get checked for that too? They are much more common in pregnancy...

Hang in there!!

Julia L. said...

I bled (not spotted) during the entire first trimester..during
both successful IVF/ICSI pregnancies. My boys are STILL high drama. I hope your outcome will be perfect; hang in there. All is not lost.

MyTwoLines said...

Ouch on the "is it yours" question. We'll let it go since she's 75 :)
On the spotting, I am so sorry you have to have another blip--I want this to be BLIP FREE from here on out, but I really really think everything is fine given all the times I've heard of people having random spotting in pregnancies that were perfectly successful.
Rest up and hoping you can find some distractions!

sprogblogger said...

Thinking of you.

"Jay" said...

Mo,
Are you still on Lovenox? If you are, it makes all your tissues more prone to bleeding. I'm glad you have today to take it easy. I hope you get that reassuring US tomorrow.

Seriously said...

Beat it spot! You are not welcome here!!!

Hang in there Mo!

Kalisu said...

I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Kristina said...

I am sorry you're experiencing this stress. I think it's Lovenox or UTI but glad you're getting the reassuring ultrasound tomorrow. Thinking of you.

Pale said...

Mo, I am so sorry for the continued suspense-inflating symptoms.

If it helps, a good friend of mine from my IF/Over 35 support group online who did IVF right not long before I was finally pg spotted unbelievably much all throughout her first trimester. I mean,like, CRIME SCENE amounts of spotting -- from her own descriptions. She had three or four episodes where I was beside myself, certain from her description that the pregnancy could not possibly continue. But it did. And her son is gorgeous and now about to turn 5.

Damn spotting. Hoping you don't have to exert yourself too much to convince people that the reassurance US is the right thing to do.

Brenda said...

Ugh! I echo everyone else that spotting is normal, but it is certainly NOT welcome! I am keeping you, Will and your little one in my prayers. I hope you can get an ultrasound tomorrow!

Jen said...

I hope everything's OK Mo. I can imagine how scary any amount of spotting is. Hang in there - thinking about you.

Claire said...

Oh babes, what a pain in the bum. You know that spotting can, and often does, mean nothing but no one wants it. Wish I could take it away for you. Instead will just send hugs from over the pond. X

TurtleMama said...

So sorry to hear you are still experiencing bouts of spotting. I feel that you are just one of those pregnant women that spot for whatever reason and your baby is just fine. I spotted up until 10 weeks. It's good that it's more brown now. Your uterus is just getting ready for the long haul. Rest easy.

Stacie said...

Sending love your way. I know it is unbelievable scary to see red, but it doesn't always mean doom...

I've decided all is okay with that bean of yours. (I have given myself the power to decide that for you, too!)

Claudia said...

Oh, Mo, thinking of you.

Mrs. Misfits said...

I know plenty of women who have spotted all through the first trimester and been totally fine. That said, to someone who has always had spotting become doom in RPL land, pretty much anything is going to feel like an omen. It's not. Hang in there. It's not over until it's over and you are doing the best thing by taking care of yourself right now.

IVFlygirl said...

Mo, been there, done that...my thoughts are with you Why, oh why isn't there a transvaginal ultrasound app? C'mon Apple developers, we need one!

Paula said...

Oh, Mo, I am keeping you in my thoughts. I don't think I've commented before, but I've followed your blog for a couple of years, and am so hopeful for a happy ending for you and Will.

At 18 weeks into my pregnancy (after nearly twenty years of infertility), I started bleeding copiously. After trips to the ER on two consecutive days, I was found to have a UTI. I started meds and drank as much water as I could stand, and was fine for the duration of my pregnancy. I am so hoping for the same for you.

Paula

newbie said...

Ugh....I know how scary that is. You know I had a pretty bad bleeding episode early on, but everything turned out fine. Having said that, its utterly impossible not to worry until you do that u/s and/or it stops. Hoping that once you get off your feet it will just go away. Hang in there, thinking of you...

Dora said...

Oh, fuck! I still believe everything is okay, but damn, you don't need this. From the other comments, I think UTI plus lovenox could very well be the culprit. Holding you close in my thoughts.

And UGH on the "is it yours?" Regardless of the excuses, is still stings to hear that crap. xoxo

Her Royal Fabulousness said...

Oh no! This is not stress you need. As you said, there isn't anything you can do but cross your fingers and take it easy. Big hugs lady.

It Is What It Is said...

Sorry that you have had another scare (which is mutually exclusive of telling anyone anything, by the way). I hope you can get in soon enough for a scan to put your mind at ease. You have had spotting/bleeding before which turned out not to have ended the pregnancy and that is likely the cast now, too. I know that doesn't amount to a hill of beans when you are petrified.

I have picked my jar off of my chin at the 'is it yours' question. No matter what she meant, why is it important? Why is it any of her business anyway? Why even ask? Sorry at her poorly chosen words.

Amber said...

This is so not fair for you. I had a relative who bled fairly heavily throughout the first 15 weeks and she never even worried. Must have been nice to be so unaware.

You can't do anything to curse a pregnancy. Just get some rest and I'm praying for great news soon.

Kate said...

Hope you get a scan and great news tomorrow. Sorry that you're having symptoms that are stressing you out again. Wish this were all smooth sailing for people like you who've worked so hard to get to this point.
Hugs!

Leigh said...

I am sending out positive vibes into the universe, crossing my fingers and my toes, making wishes in wishing wells, praying to any and all gods, and hoping with my heart of hearts that you and your baby will fine!

that's all

Eb said...

ditto to everything already said. good for you for going home and resting up.

Anonymous said...

do you have any issues with your cervix? i bled A LOT (red, pink, brown) during my pregnancy. turns out my cervix doesn't have a tough covering - sometimes just SITTING would cause me to bleed a LOT. just a thought :) hoping only the best for you.

Emily Erin said...

I think that lucky #7 just has a sense of humor. It is, after all, April Fool's Day. There aren't to many jokes that a small person can play from the inside...

Seriously, I am hoping with everyone else that you just (ug) have a UTI or kidney stones (much more common in pregnancy) and I really hope that you don't have to be in pain or scared any more tomorrow morning. Can your RE fit you in for an u/s if the OB is out of town? Or does the OB have a covering doctor for while she's gone? Holding out hope, sending up prayers and sorry about Will's Mom's lack of sensitivity.

Orodemniades said...

I bled twice in my pregnancy, once at 6 weeks and once at 11 weeks (I think). I'm keeping everything crossed for you and Will and the wee one.

Anonymous said...

No words of advice. Just a comment to let you know that I'm pulling for you and sending every good vibe your way. I like the idea of a previous poster -- this little one has a sense of humor, it being April 1st and all...

On another note, I read some of your thoughts (how you're just going to will yourself not to worry b/c you can't control it anyway)... and I think WOW -- this is a woman I want to be. When I was in the throes of this, I wasn't sane enough to even realize that I didn't have any control. You are amazing. And you're doing absolutely everything you can. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Lilly said...

Hi there. Just stopped by from the link on StirrupQueens' blog...praying for you tonight that everything is ok!

Nepsi said...

Just wondering... do you think having a doppler on hand would make you feel better or drive you crazy? When I was pg with Vi I would check before work and before bed every day from 12w until I could feel her move. With the next I could get the HB sooner. It does take a little practice but perhaps it would ease the anxiety? I am rooting for you over here!

Anonymous said...

hoping things are alright, mo.
please do get checked tomorrow. you need to know.

Jo said...

I will be thinking of you and can't wait to hear that baby is fine.

Hugs,
Jo

Alexicographer said...

Please add me to the list of those saying "spotting is normal" not to mention reminding you (and myself) that Lovenox in pregnancy seems like a recipe for spotting. And I'm glad you're able to put yourself on bedrest given that clearly that is what feels right to/for you. I understand your concern and hope you are able to get a u/s quickly so you can be reassured.

Brave IVF Girl said...

Nothing to add that others haven't said, but sending you good thoughts!

Melissia said...

Thinking of you.

Sunny said...

I can only imagine how scary that is for you. But I still believe in my heart of hearts that the baby is okay! I had red blood at 11 weeks with my first pregnancy. I had quite a bit of red blood with my second pregnancy, around 25 weeks. And keep telling yourself over and over: "Nothing I did, including telling Will's mom, has caused this spotting."

Kristen said...

Thinking of you. So sorry you are having to deal with this scare. Hope you get some reassurance tomorrow...

Kristin said...

Damn it...it just isn't fair that you aren't getting a chance to relax. I agree with Dora that it is probably a combo of a UTI and lovenox but, it still suck. Lots of prayers coming your way.

Jacky said...

I know you know that telling MIL did not cause bleeding. We all know that BUT I understand--prayers going your way that this is nothing....

The is it yours question is so stupid. No matter how you end up with a child it will be yours. Geeezzz. I get that she is older but really...........

(((Hugs))) I wish I had the power to make this all go away and be 7 months from now with a healthy baby coming home from the hospital with you.....

Hugs,
Jacky

Anonymous said...

You deserve this. Please have faith and picture yourself holding your precious son or daughter 30 weeks from now. I honestly think this one is a fighter and is determined to stick around. In the meantime I will continue to pray for you and your little one.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Oh hun. Thinking of you and hoping it's nothing to worry about! (((HUGS))) Lots of positive thoughts your way.

TeeJay said...

So NOT what you need right now. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and keep hoping for the best. As many have said, it's pretty normal to spot and cramp in the first trimester. That being said, I know you must be so scared because you have yet to have a good outcome. Hang in there and hopefully you can get in to see the u/s tech today. Hoping and praying and wishing that everything is just fine. Holding your hand from many miles away.

Gil said...

Hopes, hugs and prayers coming your way to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

LStewart said...

Hang in there! I certainly understand your panic when this happens. My daughter had sporadic spotting throughout her first pregnancy with the constant fear that something was wrong. After multiple trips in OB to be checked they finally determined that her cervix was strong and stable, but very vascular and the increased weight from the baby growing strong and healthy was causing some of those small blood vessels to pop, thus causing her spotting that was forever scaring the daylights out of us both. Maybe that's what is going on with you too :) Your little one is growing fast, furiously, AND healthy! Praying for you all and for a healthy baby to be placed in your arms 27-30 weeks from now.

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