Thursday, October 15, 2009

A day to remember

The wrong post went up earlier today. It will be re-posted next week at a more appropriate time. Sorry about that. For today, no jokes. Just taking this day to remember the losses so many of us have endured.
As you've no doubt noticed, Will and I have been in a place of late where we have been choosing to laugh instead of cry. We have been making many wry jokes around the house this past month or so and we've introduced the Hallmark rejects cards here on the blog, which we've also found quite entertaining.
But beneath our off-color humor is a deep sadness at the loss of our five pregnancies. A sadness that is with us also, much of the time.
Yesterday I was speaking with my RE about where we might go from here and as we discussed the possibility of PGD, I told him that if the point of a PGD cycle is just to keep me from miscarrying again, then I don't need PGD. That as hard as things have been, I am grateful to have been able to be pregnant each and every time.

Obviously our goal is to have a baby who lives. That is the hope. But maybe Will and I don't get to have that. Maybe all we will ever get to experience is the joy of glimpsing our children a few times on ultrasound, their hearts beating, their limbs moving. If that is all we get, I will accept that. I would rather have the chance to experience our children, even in this small way, and then suffer losing them, than never have them at all. Even if we never get to have a live baby.

So I told the RE that. And he got a little choked up and said that that must be a really hard thing to say. And I guess it is, but it's where we are at.

These pregnancies, these miscarriages, are our children. And I am glad we were able to have them in our lives, even much too briefly.

Thinking of each and every one of you who has lost a pregnancy or infant. Today. And every day. Thoughts especially go out to my Hodgkin's buddy m., Susan, Niki, Echloe, Lisa, MeKate, Alexis, Natalie, NoodleGirl, Megan, Michele, WiseGuy, Michelle, Luna, and Infertile in the City.

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  1. That was a really beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing that. I don't know if I could be that strong, and take so much from my those experiences. You really do have a gift of great insight and I think it will help you and your DH to live a healthy, happy life, no matter what is thrown at you. At least I hope it does.

  2. I always think that a glimpse of my child, albeit fleeting is better than no glimpse at all (as hard as losses are to bear - I too found comfort in the fleeting moment where there was life). I see them as attempts for those babies to live, but, something (wrong body, wrong time, etc) kept them from joining me at that time, not a lack of a child, not a lack of will, but, something beyond my control(and medical control too).

  3. Thank you so much for this beautiful post.

  4. What a lovely post. Thank you.

  5. I'm glad you said all that. I feel the same way. Having a miscarriage is horrible, but I'd not have chosen a BFN over the opportunity I was given and the time I had.

  6. Beautifully said - you made me all teary. Thinking of you and Will.

  7. That was incredible, you guys are amazing. I recently tried to talk my RE into PGD and am sort of glad now that he talked me out of it. Though I'm terrified at another loss, if my chances are greater at a real live baby without PGD, then that's what we'll do.

    I love that your RE got choked up at what you said. Yes, there are real and different people sitting in your chair across from you, doctor. Even if you love your RE, it's nice to be able to surprise them sometimes.

  8. That is a beautiful way to think of it.

    Thinking of you today!

  9. Wow. I don't even know what to say.
    As someone who has done five IVFs and never experienced anything even close to a second line, I still always feel like getting it and then losing it seems like a much more horrific heartbreak to experience. I'm glad you are able to find something good in this, and I'm just so sorry for all you've been through.

  10. I'm just coming out of two days of management training and now you make me cry.

    Luckily my puppy is distracting me now by eating firewood...

    I hope you are having as much fun with Moxie.

    Thinking of you.

  11. thank you for this amazing post- I worry/imagine that my only pregnancy will be the one I lost. And I am so grateful for it, no matter how awful losing it has been.
    I get what you are saying about PGD. I really do. I want to feel that magic again too.

    thinking of you this day and always, Mo.

    and Mo? your cards rock.

  12. Your post made me tear up. I am thinking of you guys and your angels babies today. ((HUGS))

  13. Thinking of you today (and on many other days too).

  14. Thinking of you. Remembering all our babies, today and every day.

  15. What a beautiful and raw post. That you hold on to the joy of the heartbeats and ultrasounds shows that you are a "glass half full" person. I so admire your strength in all of this. Yet you also know the strength it sometimes takes to allow yourself to fall apart.

    And way to go, making the RE choke up!

  16. That is a really hard thing to say, to accept, and love each baby is something only us parents can do. The better to have loved and lost argument certainly works here. Each and every one of my pregnancies was much loved and so badly wanted, even if labelled something less than desirable by the profession.

    Thinking of you guys.

  17. Thank you for writing this post. I am travelling at the moment, and I'd lost track of the date.

    Remembering your losses while I reminisce on my own affected with a non survivable condition.



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