Pregnancy is so so different this time around. I have my beautiful take home girl already. I never thought we'd get out the other side to her. And she is incredible, intense, full of life and personality. We were cuddling this weekend all together in mama and daddy's bed and I was just relishing her little nose brushing against my cheek, getting to gaze into her eyes that are smiling right back into mine. My little girl and I have a bit of a love affair going on. I would love to give Magpie a sibling, but this little embryo is fairly abstract and she is so very real, so my thoughts tend to revolve around her and her needs...how my reticence to heft her 25 pound body around while in these early pregnancy stages is frustrating to her.... How I'm tired already, seemingly only minutes into the pregnancy, making me a less good mom.
This weekend, I was very crampy in a way that felt menstrual and unsettling. No spotting, thankfully. I started to feel really scared until I looked back and saw that I had experienced similar sensations around the same time in my pregnancy with Magpie (that I subtly described as feeling like I was carrying Rosemary's Baby). So that was a bit reassuring. Then last night, the cramping subsided entirely, and instead of being relieved, I freaked out about that too. This is the awfulness of early pregnancy. There is just a lot of not knowing you have to tolerate. Not exactly my strong suit. Now I'm feeling little twinges and pulls and burbles, which are easier to interpret in a positive way, although I know better than most that these early symptoms could mean anything. The embryo is growing! The embryo is dying! Sigh.
So as of late this morning, blood has been drawn for beta #3. Unfortunately, I feel certain that nothing the results can tell me will comfort me. The options are: (1) unambiguously bad news - e.g., dropping beta; or (2) unclear - beta is doubling or almost doubling. We had great doubling numbers with pregnancy number 5 (the triploidy), so while great doubling numbers are certainly better than non-doubling numbers, I'm thinking this time that feeling more certain will come much, much further down the road. This morning, I kept thinking, What will another number really tell me? Not much. Along with, This whole pregnancy is just such a gift! A bonus, however long it lasts, that I considered just not going for another beta and instead waiting a couple of weeks to do an ultrasound to see if there's a heartbeat.
But I went. And now I wait. We will see what we shall see. Thanks so much for your support and thoughts. They really help.
Mo
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This weekend, I was very crampy in a way that felt menstrual and unsettling. No spotting, thankfully. I started to feel really scared until I looked back and saw that I had experienced similar sensations around the same time in my pregnancy with Magpie (that I subtly described as feeling like I was carrying Rosemary's Baby). So that was a bit reassuring. Then last night, the cramping subsided entirely, and instead of being relieved, I freaked out about that too. This is the awfulness of early pregnancy. There is just a lot of not knowing you have to tolerate. Not exactly my strong suit. Now I'm feeling little twinges and pulls and burbles, which are easier to interpret in a positive way, although I know better than most that these early symptoms could mean anything. The embryo is growing! The embryo is dying! Sigh.
So as of late this morning, blood has been drawn for beta #3. Unfortunately, I feel certain that nothing the results can tell me will comfort me. The options are: (1) unambiguously bad news - e.g., dropping beta; or (2) unclear - beta is doubling or almost doubling. We had great doubling numbers with pregnancy number 5 (the triploidy), so while great doubling numbers are certainly better than non-doubling numbers, I'm thinking this time that feeling more certain will come much, much further down the road. This morning, I kept thinking, What will another number really tell me? Not much. Along with, This whole pregnancy is just such a gift! A bonus, however long it lasts, that I considered just not going for another beta and instead waiting a couple of weeks to do an ultrasound to see if there's a heartbeat.
But I went. And now I wait. We will see what we shall see. Thanks so much for your support and thoughts. They really help.
Mo
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Anxiously waiting your update!
ReplyDeleteYes, it's all crazy-making.
FWIW, my two kids resulted from a very high beta and a very low beta. My miscarriages were right in the middle, with one of them textbook normal.
Thinking of you and checking often. so very glad that Magpie is here and healthy.
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteI hope you continue to be distracted by the love fest with Magpie. Waiting impatiently for today's number!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you with everything crossed for a rising beta and a long uneventful pregnancy
ReplyDeleteKaren