Thursday, September 17, 2015

Inside the mind of a habitual aborter at 20dp5dt

Welcome inside the mind of someone who has had seven losses, one wondrous daughter, and now finds herself amazingly, fortunately, luckily, pregnant again.

It's a tricky place.

I'm trying to balance in the place that all could be ok. Not to start to think it is ok and get my hopes way up, but not to fall into the chasm that it's hopeless and doomed either. Just stay the middle path.

The history of losses makes it hard. In particular, our first FET, with three chromosomally normal blasts, which looked remarkably similar to this pregnancy (low initial beta, good doubling), ended in disaster. That particular piece of history is hard not to gnaw on in my mind.

I remind myself that we're doing IVIG this time, and I've gone gluten free, and perhaps started the lovenox earlier (although I honestly can't remember), and I think I'm on a higher dose of prednisone this time, for whatever that's worth. I remind myself that that experience was that experience and this one is its own. That was those blastocysts. This time could be different. It all might be ok (might not too).

Thanks for your thoughts on the ultrasound. I had decided not to do it, then started to waffle a bit yesterday. After your comments, in particular Gwinne's about the vanishing twin, and anonymous at 1:32PM, reminding me that more information could possibly be helpful, I scheduled one for Friday (God help me). Of course, the other comments were persuasive too, but by then I'd scheduled it. We'll see if I actually go. I know there's no heartbeat to see at this stage, but I also know I (and the RE) will be looking at the ultrasound trying to read the tea leaves on things that are too tiny to see. Most specifically, is there a yolk sac? Is there a REAL yolk sac? (we've been told things were yolk sacs before that in hindsight seem a bit specious).

I took another giant leap of faith yesterday and scheduled a first prenatal appointment with my wonderful OB. Scheduled for Oct. 5. A lifetime from now, but really not so long. That would be amazing if we were still pregnant then...that would be the beginning of the eighth week. Hard to imagine, but I knew she'd be booked if I didn't get on the schedule now. Very scary to schedule that. But I did it.

See below, today's pee stick on the bottom. Nice and dark. There's definitely something going on!

It looks as good as it could, and is so reassuring, but guarantees nothing. (And of then of course if I look back at FET #1's stick around this day, it looks almost identical. Ugh!)

But I just keep reminding myself that it could be ok.

That these embryos either have what it takes or they don't.

That I've done and continue to do all that I know to do.

That this time, I know in a way I never did before that it could work out (Magpie is here after all).

My job now is to try to enjoy this part as much as possible. "Enjoy" seems rather the wrong word. Honor this time? That's closer. This pregnancy is a great privilege, and I feel that through my entire being.

For now, we are pregnant again, for the ninth time, hanging on for dear life. Who ever would have thought we'd even have a chance again?


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  1. I'm proud of you for scheduling that OB appt. hang in there little one, you are so wanted!

  2. I've been following you since well before Magpie and I am crossing everything I have and praying to all the Gods that this works for you!!

  3. I really am of the camp that knowledge is ALWAYS a good thing. And I hope it gives you answers, some comfort, a way to make it through the weekend.

  4. That's a beautiful second line. Sending you luck and courage.

  5. What an honest and real post, thank you for sharing. Thinking of you and hoping all the best at your ultrasound and your OB appointment. I was following your story during your first FET and I was going through the same thing, but you are so right in that this time you are on your immune protocol and that is huge. I know how hard it is to stay hopeful but you have an army of people praying for you and sending you good vibes.

  6. Sending you good thoughts and hopeful that tomorrow's u/s will show even more reassuring things and then next week's u/s will show a heartbeat!

    For now, this day, this moment, you are pregnant and I celebrate that.

  7. I agree that knowledge is always a good thing. If there was any chance at all that NOT going in for the ultrasound would mean you could just kick back and enjoy your blissfully ignorant weekend gap in monitoring, I'd say blow it off, but we both know THAT'S not going to happen.

    And I like your thoughts on honoring this time in this pregnancy for what it is. I think that's a healthy and damned practical way to approach the mind-fuck that is this stage in a much-wanted pregnancy.

    Also--I think your odds are much better this time around. When I look back on my one success and so many losses, it's the 'let's throw everything at this one' approach that worked, and we never DID figure out which was the magic key. Whether it's the IVIG, or the gluten free or the prednisone or the lovenox, SOMETHING in there worked with Miss Magpie, and I think there's excellent reason to think it might work again.

    And to that end, I am wishing & hoping so very much for you! Go little embryo, GO! Hang in there! (& you too, because, damn, this is the hardest time.) Thinking of you & hoping for lovely clear pictures tomorrow showing EXACTLY what should be there right now.

  8. I don't think that line could get any darker! I know from experience that it only provides temporary comfort, but it's still encouraging. Best of luck for more reassurance at your u/s! By Friday you mean tomorrow, right?

  9. Hoping for the best for you, Mo. I always think it's better to have more information, but in terms of past experience, more knowledge maybe isn't a good thing.

  10. I've been pregnant 7 times and have 2 amazing kiddos who somehow beat the odds and survived. For what it's worth I would get the ultrasound. I know the lack of heartbeat is frustrating at this stage even though you KNOW it's not supposed to be there yet. But at least you will have a first measurement so when you go for your next ultrasound you will know growth is on track which to me is a huge reassurance. So excited for you!

  11. Ugh, I can't imagine the whirlwind in your brain right now :( You've been through way more of this than I have, so I really can't offer much, but you've done all you could - so at this point it already is whatever it is. You just have to wait for the time to pass I think. And try not to lose it :) I made it my practice to go hug or kiss or cuddle my girl any time I was about to lose it when I was TTC #2 and having RPL. The weight of her, the smell of her, gave me a very concrete reminder of all I already had. Not that that's necessarily enough - but it is in some way. You know. Thinking of you!

  12. I found your blog by accident a few weeks ago, right about the same time I went in for my first pregnancy clinic at the fertility clinic. I am on my fifth pregnancy (on the books, that is, but I know I had more before I was able to realize what was happening, if that makes sense). I also have one child. I wanted to say thank you for sharing such a difficult journey with the world. The past two weeks, I've regularly checked on you to make sure you hit the next milestone (so far, we're both good!). But I know, too, that there feels like no certainty to this until you hold that baby in your arms. Most of all, I wanted to say that I really admire how strong you are. I have had to disassociate myself (for now) from my friends, especially the pregnant ones as I cannot cope well (even over the phone) given the circumstances. I really admire that you are excited to see your sister and her new baby. I don't feel strong enough (yet) to positively interact with some and you give me a lot of courage. I'll keep silently following along and hoping for the best for you. You are an inspiration.

  13. Thinking of you, Mo! You've been through too much!! I really really hope this is another miracle for you!! My heart would swell for you and your family!! Hope you get reassurance on Friday!!!!

  14. In my thoughts and prayers daily! Hang in there and flourish little one!!!!!

  15. I have always thought that one has to do what one has to do to maintain a shred of her sanity. So, tomorrow, you will do just that. And we will all be waiting with baited breath. For my party, I hope you'll also do a beta and P4.

  16. Grow wee bubba grow!

  17. Good choice! For the record, I have a strong feeling that more than one has snuggled in. Based on...nothing. So take that for what it's worth.

  18. I think the US is a good idea. Maybe just maybe it will give you a little reprieve from all the worry. If even just for a minute. Loss is so hard and it really robs you of the joy pregnancy should bring. Hold on tight and remember your body now knows how to do this! It made Magpie, so it can totally do it again!

  19. I hope it continues to be okay and the US is reassuring!

    Also I don't think anyone is obligated to *enjoy* any part of pregnancy regardless of how much they want to be pregnant. Honor sounds much more reasonable.

  20. Sending good and hopeful thoughts to you!


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