Sundays of grace #28

What am I grateful for this week?

1. You guys. Did you see the post on attachment in adoption and the thoughtful responses it drew? Many complete with links to other blogs discussing this topic? Wow. Thank you. Not just for me, but for others down the line who might google the topic and land here and find your comments and your links to more thoughtful thoughts on the topic. This is scary territory for many and yet a bunch of you took the plunge and gave your opinions. You guys rock.

2. Psychology training last week. I spent the week out of town at another university getting certified in a type of therapy I use in my clinical and research work (I have an intervention grant to provide this for the next two years). It was fun to solidify my skills, but what was even cooler was getting to talk to colleagues from the training facility who are world leaders in my clinical and research area and bounce ideas back and forth. They invited me to collaborate on a project with them, and I was able to help one of them think of a new way to analyze his data. And the best part of it all? That I was reminded that I LOVE what I do. To be able to (hopefully) help people and to try to improve the evidence base and develop new treatments/improve on existing treatments. Does professional life get any better? A great chance to step back from the small disappointments and stress of an academic medical life to remember why I do what I do.

3. Date night with Will in Chinatown last night. Because I was out of town at my training all week and we were both working like mad people the week before that and then the week before THAT, Will was in San Diego for a conference for a week...all this adds up to feeling like I haven't seen my husband - not really seen him and cherished him - in ages. And you know what? I missed him. So despite yesterday being super packed and us both being exhausted - me after meeting with a group of bereaved military families on an Army base in outer Brooklyn and Will working most of the day at an outside hospital on a consulting gig - we came together last night, went out to eat in Chinatown and had a splendid time. Yay for date night! And an even bigger yay for husbands. I've missed mine! Oh, and you want to know what my fortune cookie said? "An old broom will gather the greatest amount of dirt." You should have seen Will laughing - deep belly laughs - when I opened it...Hmmm....

Mo

Did you see this article? Attachment in adoption

Taking a break from decision making for a day to ask if anyone saw this article in Slate by an adoptive mom about her difficulty bonding with her adopted Chinese daughter.

I cringed at the title ("I Did Not Love My Adopted Child"), mostly for this little girl who would some day perhaps google her writer mom's name and find it. And then think...what? What would it be like to read that as an adolescent?

But at the same time, I found aspects of the article honest and real and willing to grapple with issues that are rarely discussed, at least in public forums.

It's a question I've always wondered about when considering adoption (in particular, international adoption): Would I feel the same connection? Would I feel attached? Would the child feel attached?

And then beyond that, Am I a monster that this question even crosses my mind?

Being a psychologist, I've asked a couple of therapists about it and they've basically said, however the baby arrives, you love it with all your heart once it gets here.

That's certainly what I would hope. And it sounds good and Disney happy ending.

One of my former supervisors, a wonderfully warm clinical psychologist who adopted 15 years ago from Russia, chose to be very candid with me about his experience. When I asked him if he immediately loved the little Russian girl he and his wife brought home, he said no. He said he felt a desire to care for her physically because of her absolute dependence on them. But that the love part took awhile. That it was a few months later - when he let go of her stroller for a moment and it rolled a few inches forward on the sidewalk toward NYC traffic - that he felt the first surge of fierce, throw yourself in front of a bus, love. And I know he loves her the same fierce way now that she is an adolescent, as he fights hard to find the right educational and therapeutic environment to help her deal with emotional and cognitive deficits resulting from malnutrition and institutionalization as an infant.

But the article got me thinking. And made me wonder about people's experience with this.

What do you think about the bonding process in adoption? Is it the same? Is it different? How so? Any personal experiences you'd care to share?

I know it's a touchy subject - so if you'd rather comment anonymously (constructive comments only!) - go for it.

Mo

Has anyone seen my gut?

My figural one, not my literal one, which seems to be growing by the month, despite the lack of a baby inside.

Your comments on the latest decision facing us were really helpful and gave us great food for thought.

A number of you suggested I access my gut instinct about what next step to take.

A really good piece of advice.

Except that my gut seems to be hard to access today.

Problem is, I think my gut is plumb worn out, as is the rest of me. I never, NEVER thought (nor did Will) that trying to have a baby would turn out to be such a difficult task, one that would strain us personally, professionally, financially spiritually, and as a couple.

This has been HARD, folks (I know you know that, but I think sometimes I minimize it to myself as a coping mechanism). So when I imagine cycling again, I just feel...exhausted. Incredibly strained, unclear as to how I would explain ANOTHER eight days out of state away from work for medical reasons (when Will and I are employed by one of the best medical centers in the country - so gosh, why would I go someplace else for care? Good question, boss, but can't answer it for you). And taking off another week from my master's degree may just be undoable until June because I've already missed a fair amount this semester.

Cycling again means taking out a loan this time, as we are completely out of financial reserves. And I guess it would mean taking out a loan against our personal reserves as well, because I think those are fairly low, too. (Hopefully, we still have some good personal and relationship equity to borrow against?)

On the other hand, it feels like the finish line is in sight, and if I can just - if WE can just - motivate ourselves to keep going just a little bit longer, we might actually have a family who is related to both of us. More certainty of having one glorious child. And if we're lucky, maybe more than one child (which yes, we had always originally planned - 2 or 3). Gosh, we'd be thrilled with one, but a sibling would be fantastic (don't know how I'd survive without mine).

So I keep trying to project out two or three years from now when this is all over. When I know it won't seem as bad as it does now. And when I do that, I think, OF COURSE we should cycle again. The suffering, the financial and emotional strain, are temporary. The potential result? Permanent.

Taking the cycling again route, we could also end up with nothing, except more heartache. These three blasts may or may not take; we could also cycle again and get no normal blasts. It's all a gamble. It's always a gamble. And given how things have gone with the last 85 eggs that were retrieved (and sadly, that's no exaggeration), it's easy to imagine the negative outcome. I can envision the positive outcome, too. But we just don't bank on it anymore.

Dr. Schl. wants me to take two months of lupron before transferring, because I have stage III endo and some other lining abnormalities. So even if we just wanted to transfer, it won't happen for a while.

All these thoughts rattling around in my head.

Now if I could only find my gut...I know it's around here somewhere!

Mo

He said, He said...tales from two REs on how to interpret wonky blasts

We now have opinions from two respected REs on what our normal (but strange) blastocyst results mean.

Doctor #1, from the NYC clinic said, and I quote, "We used to try culturing and transferring day 7s but we have never had a pregnancy result from a day seven blast, so we stopped." OUCH. Of course, my mind goes immediately to the key word "never." Do you mean NEVER never? Or rarely? Hmm...Mo..."never" sounds kind of like what it is...

He also said that he thought our chances of implantation with the invitro matured blast are "significantly reduced," but that it "could" work out.

Okiedokie.

On to RE #2 in Denver, Dr. Schl., not exactly known for being a ray of sunshine...

He seemed confused by the question initially. We said Day 7 blast, and he said, "You mean day 6?"

Um, Nope. We mean day 7.

"Err, really? We don't culture to day 7."

Well, we know. But your lab did this time...

I think he only started to believe us when I named the head embryologist and told him what he had said ("probably the two day 7s are abnormal and if they're normal, I wouldn't expect them to implant. But they will give you more data...").

Ultimately, Dr. Schl. basically shrugged and said the equivalent, of "I dunno..." Then said he'd pretty much count them out. "But you should transfer them" (well, duh!) "You never know."

As for the in vitro matured embryo, he said to consider it the same as if it had been retrieved mature. Which was relieving to hear.

And given our strange blastocyst situation, Dr. Schl. said he'd be willing to transfer all three at once.

Triplets, here we come! Ha ha. just kidding. We've tempted the fates for higher order multiples before, remember, longtime readers? And we got...nada.

So it kind of all sounds like we basically have one normal. Asked as to his thoughts on the likelihood of getting pregnant if we transfer all three, Dr. Schl. said, "Well, given your history, I'd give you about a 35% chance."

Not bad, considering we expected a 0% chance, but not exactly something we can lean back and relax about either.

So now we're left to try to figure out what to do. Transfer these three and as Dr. Schl. said, risk a miscarriage months down the line, which could mean losing almost a year of TTC at age 38 (he is SO cheery, that man)...

or cycle again while the going is hot and hope for another normal or two...

Because we love IVF!!!! (not)

But we are just crazy and desperate enough that we might cycle again, if you can believe it.

We did ask Dr. Sch. how finding the normals, even if they are wonky normals, changes his perspective on our prospects. He said he was surprised we'd had any normals (sometimes it helps to have rock bottom expectations) and that finding we can produce a euploid embryo definitely improved our chances for a positive outcome from what he'd thought before.

That's something.

We'll be writing more on our decision-making process in the coming days.

As always, would love to hear your thoughts.

Mo

Hallmark Rejects: the infertile egg's perspective