Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments. To clarify from my last post, although freaking out, I didn't remain in that full-fledged panic all day long, but I did feel very skeptical and not very sure of things. Truth is, still feeling that way. Still feeling like something is wrong, like this pregnancy is probably over.
What's new this pregnancy is that I'm not angsting over that in the same way I used to most of the time. The success or failure of this pregnancy is not really in my control, and most of the time I get that. So if my intuition is right and things have taken a major downturn, I'm not responsible for that. I'll be sad, OK, I'll be heartbroken, but there's nothing I can do to keep this pregnancy going beyond what I am already doing. There are other moments when the crazy creeps in, where I think that if I just do something, some unnamable thing I can't quite grasp or conceptualize, that I can keep this baby alive. I try to keep those to mere moments and not let the crazy take over longer stretches of the day. But it's there sometimes, and it is definitely a major theme in my dreams.
I did pee on the hospital test again early this morning (I know, I know, you told me not to, but I didn't listen). It looks a little darker to both me and Will. I steered clear of the remaining Clearblue indicator test (thinking that test is the devil!). And then I went in to the local RE this morning for a beta, progesterone, and estrogen check. I'm looking for the beta number to have gone up from Friday's value, but beyond that, I realize it's a crapshoot at this point. The number may not double, and if it doesn't, I'm not going to freak out if I can help it. I'm so convinced that the number has dropped, that if it has gone up in any substantial way, I think I'll cry tears of gratitude.
If things turn out to be hanging in ok, it will also be very useful ammunition to use against my anxiety for the next time I think something terrible has happened. You, know, like, say tomorrow when I'm sure that the embryo has died again.
Unfortunately in the past, I have always been right when I think it is pregnancy doomsday. So the evidence on that side of things weighs heavy and adds to the crazy. It would be novel and great to be wrong about this for once!
Either way, for now I'm just trying to just "ride the wave" as some of you suggested, "breathe" as others suggested, and not jump to any conclusions about things. Time will tell and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome at this time.
I'm trying to accept the unknown and stay in the middle place of uncertainty for now. That is the only thing that is real and true at this moment in time.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. Really. They helped pull me back off of the ledge.
And check back - I'll be updating this post later today when the results come in. I'll try to figure out how to add to this post in a way that shows up on Google Reader, but not sure how to do that. So Google Reader people may have to manually check back in. Sorry.
You guys are wonderful. And so, so appreciated. Thank you for hanging in there with us.
p.s. I have indigestion this morning along with the hiccups. Those are pregnancy symptoms, maybe, aren't they?
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