Pee sticks are like crack

Thank you for all of your comments and thoughts. Trying to stay in the zen place...trying...it is tough to sustain, but is a good goal.

Today is 5dp5dt...(gulp)

Still here. Still clueless about what's going on inside.

In terms of "symptoms," yesterday I thought I was having some abdominal pain, but I am bloated from all the estrogen and progesterone, maybe also from the prednisone, so I thought it might have been because my pants were too snug at the waistline. Last night and this morning, though, too, I have been feeling mild intermittent lower abdominal pain. It's on the left side and is a dull, constant (when there) feeling. Not exactly a cramp at all, and not even necessarily in my uterus. I prefer this significantly to feeling nothing, but really, have no idea if it signifies anything. Also, my heart rate is fast. I had Will count it last night in bed and it was 96 bpm just lying there. Odd...also probably doesn't mean much (and again maybe could be chalked up to 5 mg prednisone bid?)

Now that today is equivalent to 10dpo, I wanted to answer the question that some of you had asked about testing ahead.

Testing ahead hasn't really been a major thought until today...but now it is on my mind.

I still have a large amount of HPTs left from the motherlode that Will brought home for me way back when. And they are set to expire this year (guess they aren't good forever). So that makes me think I should use them - wouldn't want them to go to waste, now would I?

On the other hand, I know from the one cycle where I peed daily (and ultimately didn't get pregnant), that all that POASing (can POAS be a verb?) extended and magnified the agony. So I don't want or need to be doing that. I've also read way too many stories too of people who ultimately had happy news spiral into despair by testing too early. And I definitely don't want to spiral into despair needlessly.

Last cycle, I did the POAS-and-seal-in-envelope-until-beta-day strategy (remember that?). A crazy strategy, I know, but one that allowed me to pee but save my sanity. These hospital-grade tests can in fact be read later, so then can let you know how far back you had a positive. Of course...one would think this could be calculated merely by halving the beta level and counting back by two days, repeating this until you get to 25, the level of the test...so is kind of a waste. For some reason at the time, it held some sort of logic for me...

Today, though, the thought crept in, well, why don't I just test, just to see. It's so early that if it's negative, it means nothing. Not a thing at all! Therefore, it won't mess with my psyche! I convinced myself. I won't be disappointed if I test today because it is really the first day that you could possibly test positive and many times that I've been pregnant, a 10dpo test would have been negative (not that any of those pregnancies turned out ok in the end, but you know what I mean).

So I did test this morning, fool that I am....and damn if I'm not sure of the result!!! It looks like a negative. But examined in a certain light, with my eyes squinted...I thought I saw maybe the whiff of a second line. But then I set it down and looked later and thought, nah, not really, I think that's just where the second line would be, if there was a line. Because I've looked at so many tests over the past five years that I can intuit where the second line should be. Remember, too, I'm very talented at seeing faint lines. I was able to discern a line last cycle when the beta was 23. This is no 23, I don't think...I think this is more of a hallucination. Or is it? I swear I can almost see something...

Aaaarrrrgh!

Oh, and as for the prediction that I wouldn't be disappointed? Well...I'm not disappointed, I'm...confounded! Aggravated! More anxious than I was before. I want to break the whole freaking box open and pee on all twenty tests.

Pee sticks are like crack. You have just a little taste and then you feel this enormous chasm of want open up inside of you, gimme gimme gimme!

So the answer about when I next will pee on a stick? Well, apart from today, I don't think I will test much prior to the beta. Unless my resolve breaks down again before then, which is definitely a possibility.

Oh, and I have a question I need your help on...when should I draw the freaking beta? I am due to have it drawn on Saturday (which will be 9dp5dt). But there are two problems with that - my local clinic doesn't draw betas on weekends. Also, we think we will be away in the country this weekend. I thought of getting it drawn a day ahead on Friday morning...but Friday I have to drive upstate and give a seminar to a roomful of clinicians. I don't really want to get a call from my clinic in the middle of that with good or bad news. Alternately, we may be able to find a Quest or Labcorp somewhere in the boondocks to get the HCG drawn stat on Saturday (does Quest or Labcorp offer same-day service?). Of course if we do that...we then will need the second beta drawn on President's Day (bang head on desk in frustration). When we will likely still be in the country and when I am certain no country lab will be open.

Forget testing ahead. Forget testing all together! Maybe I should just wait nine months and see if I give birth.

Have you seen my zen? I think I left it somewhere.

Mo

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