I woke up this morning scared. Not sure why, just was.
Peed on a stick with what I'd saved up from my middle of the night pee. Test came up very positive.
Discarded the rest of that pee. Then had the brilliant idea to pee again on a Clearblue pregnancy indicator test (I'd bought some of these when I was traveling internationally and was fearing - correctly - that I was losing pregnancy #6).
The indicator test came up that I was 2-3 weeks post conception (so 4-5 weeks pregnant). Except that I'm over 5 weeks now (so test should say "3+" in the window). And my beta is supposedly very high.
Cue major freak out.
- I had acupuncture yesterday and the acupuncturist put a heat lamp two feet above my abdomen for part of the session. Must have cooked the baby. Baby is dead.
- My throat is a teensie, weensie bit scratchy. And I sneezed twice yesterday. Because I think I'm coming down with a cold. Maybe. A cold that has killed the baby. Obviously.
- I had some french fries at brunch yesterday that were fried in oil that was also used for other breaded foods. So not totally gluten-free. Traces of gluten killed the baby.
- I also had a burger, sans bun, at the same restaurant yesterday. It was pink in the middle, but I didn't send it back. Probably caught toxoplasmosis from the burger. Killed baby. All in less than 24 hours. Amazing, really.
- I haven't been feeling much of anything the past day. No cramping, no pulling. Not feeling it because baby is dead.
- Is my nausea less? Possibly. It must be because baby is dead.
- When I lie very still, I don't "feel" a connection between myself and the embryo. It "feels like" that connection is gone. Doesn't matter that I hadn't been aware of feeling a connection before - it is gone now. Gone because baby is dead.
- I just "feel like" the pregnancy is over. So it must be. Baby is dead.
My powers of reasoning are astounding, aren't they?
Never mind that I just got awesome beta results back on Friday.
Never mind that I didn't use first-morning urine on the indicator test (or I did, but had peed not that long before in the cup for the pregnancy test, urine which I then - GAH!- discarded).
Never mind that the other pee test I used this AM seems just as dark as always.
Never mind that when I checked the Clearblue indicator test box, the test expired in September.
Never mind that it is just too early and there is no way to know, even though I "think" I know.
It absolutely stinks to be a recurrent miscarrier, a habitual aborter.
I cannot be consoled. Cannot be reassured.
I want to just put myself into a coma until I can see a heartbeat. Why did I ever attempt to get pregnant again?
How could it be over (in my mind at least) so quickly?
UGH. UGH. UGH.
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