Regret management is expensive

Despite the ongoing silence, we are continuing to prepare for the frozen embryo transfer in Denver this Thursday - I'm in the midst of a whirlwind of preparations:

• Two months of Depot Lupron to quiet endometriosis and improve endometrial receptivity? Check
• Consult with reproductive psychiatrist (double boarded in OB/GYN and psychiatry) after crazy mood downturn on Depot Lupron? Check
• Eliminate all caffeine, decaffeinated products, alcohol, and chocolate since New Years? Check
• Start boatload of multivitamins, vitamin D, folate at New Years? Check
• Endometrial biopsy to improve growth factors in endometrium lining last month? Check
• Electro-acupuncture twice a week for past month to improve uterine blood flow? Check
• Lining checks and hormone bloodwork? Check
• Consult with reproductive immunologist to discuss immunological plan for this transfer? Check
• ...leading to prednisone on board past two weeks? Check
• Baby aspirin? Check
• Four hour infusion of IVIG last week to quiet NK cell activity? Check
• Lovenox syringes ready to go? Check
• Denver anti-miscarriage protocol of Pepcid and Claritin ready to begin? Check

So all systems are go from a practical standpoint. I'm still feeling pretty checked out emotionally. All these steps have become entirely disconnected from the possibility of actually having a real live baby. Hence, partially, the lack of posting. If I post, I have to acknowledge we are actually doing this...and I *know* we are, but it still feels very abstract in many ways.

We've really pulled out all the stops for this transfer, doing all the things we usually do, plus doing IVIG for the first time ever. And strangely, pulling out all the stops is not about thinking it will actually make a difference, because that is just too hard for me to fathom. All of these steps are in place mainly for regret management. I don't want to look back later (quiet thought after this has failed) thinking that if only I had done X, Y, or Z, we would have succeeded. I am trying to be thoughtful in that way to make sure we don't accumulate any extra suffering on top of how unpleasant this whole endeavor already inherently is.

But seriously, folks, regret management is expensive. Both monetarily and otherwise - the IVIG in particular. The treatment took four hours of my life, and a ridiculous sum of money. Add to that that the night of and the next day, I had a horrendous headache and chest pain. The doctor had mentioned headache could be a potential side effect but would be less likely to happen if I drank a lot of water. And so I drank a ton - liters and liters. This headache I had post IVIG treatment? It redefined headache for me. I kept thinking, well now I understand the term "splitting" headache. I felt as though my head might actually burst open. It was terrible. Didn't help that I couldn't take any time off and in fact had to speak for two and a half hours at a workshop the day after. Ugh. Fortunately, by two days out, I was feeling significantly better. I hope that treatment served some purpose in addition to its regret management function, but either way, it is behind us now.

So we are close to take off...hard to believe, and yet here we are.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and encouragement. Even though I've been quiet over here of late, it has meant the world to us.

Mo (and Will)



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