Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I forgot, why am I doing this again?

I called last week to make an appointment for the one-day testing at the famous clinic in Colorado.

The nice woman who called me back asked what cycle day I was on and I told her that I was expecting to have an egg retrieval either on Thursday or Friday of this week.

Nice appointment lady: "Don't you want to wait until after this IVF cycle to see if you get pregnant?"

Me: "Oh, don't worry, this is my fifth fresh IVF cycle. I think we can go ahead and schedule the appointment. I doubt we'll get pregnant."

I also told her also that the last two times I've tried to make an appointment with their clinic after receiving bad news, they had been too booked up to see me on the appropriate days.

So she said no problem and we made the appointment.

But here's what kind of weirds me out: This nice scheduler woman actually surprised me with her question. As in, somehow I'm no longer connecting the reality of all these injections and doctor's visits with the possibility of getting pregnant.

C-R-A-Z-Y (or at least well-defended against disappointment at this point). What phase of infertility grief is this?

Mo

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15 comments:

  1. I did this too. I schedule consults during the 2ww and things like that. I usually waited it after I saw how crappy my embryos were though. My last cycle (IVF #6) I scheduled a consult with NYU. Better to have something scheduled and have to cancel than have to wait even longer is my opinion. By the end of treatment I was just going through the motions. I wanted everyone to have zero hope left when I quit and my RE and DH still believed it could work even if I didn't so I kept going. Take care and back to that dissertation!

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  2. Have no idea what phase it is, but I like to plan ahead too, it makes more sense, when I'm left without a plan, I get a bit blind sided

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  3. I can't identify this phase either. But it's just all about self-preservation sometimes, and sanity saving measures. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get a lovely surprise and never have to head out West.

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  4. I know the feeling. You start betting against yourself because you are so use to being on the losing end. I would've done the same - make the appt. expecting the worst, always good to have a back up, right?!

    I am placing my bets on you this time and hoping for the very best.

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  5. Or how about my pre-op ER form today asked..."Are you pregnant?"

    am i pregnant? would I be here if I was?

    idiots...

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  6. this was nice of her. A simple question that can help you reconnect to what you are doing. But if i were in your shoes, I'd probably also be at a stage of going through the motions without putting too much of myself in this. Self-preservation, just like DAVs said.

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  7. The I've-Done-This-So-Many-Times-That-I-Could-Retrieve-My-Own-Eggs Phase:)

    Still hoping this one will work... but glad that you made the appt anyway...

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  8. We do get so lost in it all, sometimes...

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  9. I think you just get to apoint that is too hard to see past the disappointment so you just start to expect it. It is easier that way or so it seems. I totally understand why you feel this way. Also I don't see the problem...you can always cancel WHEN this one works.

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  10. Dontcha just wish the grief would just end? Unfortunately, we become so familiar with it, that we could write a disertation about it! Wishing you some peace during this cycle.

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  11. I think it's just our defense mechanism; prepare ourselves for the "worst" so then if the "best" happens, we can enjoy it. It's called human. Sucks though sometimes!

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  12. Dude, I'm scheduling two IUI's because I'm so convinced that I can't get pregant, even though I've been trying to get pregnant with killer sperm for the last 3 years. I keep havign to remind myself that I might actully get pregnant. Phase of grief? Delirium?

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  13. I hope you do not have to go out there.

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  14. wow - you've been through so much.. i really really really hope this works for you.. i know every story is unique.. but i do know two couples who scheduled their appointments with the same colorado clinic and then got pregnant.. so maybe this one will be it. i sure do hope and pray for you.

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  15. I couldn't possibly understand because you have had many more than I. But I do know how it can bring someone down and start to think negative. I am already there honey. We are doing this be we want to be mothers. I am praying for you always!

    Kami

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