Sunday, October 10, 2010

Home again, home again...2dp5dt


...or really 2 days post 6 and 7 day frozen embryo transfer, but who's counting?

And I am feeling...NOTHING.

The cramping I had yesterday, off to the left side, seems to be gone. So thoroughly gone that it is hard to believe it was there at all (but it was).

Been mashing my hand against my chest to check for tenderness and it is possible that there is the slightest tenderness, but if it is there, it is so so slight that it is difficult to tell. My breasts do seem rather full. But that could be the progesterone.

I'm feeling discouraged. Already thoughts trickling in about when we could transfer again and wondering if I would have to do two more months of the dreaded depot lupron to prepare, which just sounds awful (don't think either Will or I is ready for a gestational carrier yet).

Need to unpack my talisman necklace and re-center, but gosh it would be easier if I felt something going on in my abdomen. I've been pregnant five times and I think I know what it feels like for me.

Although, on the other hand, I don't have detailed records, so I can't remember what day I felt what. And this is an FET, so it's different. And when I've gotten pregnant naturally, I didn't feel implantation at all, or notice any spotting, so what exactly am I thinking I'm going to feel? Sigh.

Last night I dreamt that the nurse called and my estrogen had dropped. She had called to tell me it was OVER. I was stunned. Even in the dream I knew I hadn't had my blood drawn. How could our chances be so thoroughly over so fast?

I also dreamt I accidently drank a caffeinated beverage and was midway through the beverage - a yummy diet coke - when I realized. Akkkkk!!!! (This one will only make sense to other CCRM'ers. The Denver clinic is so obsessive about these things and I am abiding by all of their rules - including no caffeine and no decaf either. Sigh.)

So in response to all of these thoughts and dreams, and the absence of physical reassurance, I am duly trying to say to myself, "Shhh, Mo. Have patience. It's going to be ok no matter what happens. Nothing more you can do now. Simmer down. Find the middle path where a good outcome is a possibility and let some time pass."

Easier said than done, but I am trying.

One thing is for sure. It is good to be home. Telling myself that whatever will be will be.


Mo

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24 comments:

  1. Hey, Mo, given that I'm into self-imposed rules and magical thinking, I'm wondering if you might share some of CCRM's other "rules." Thanks! Wishing you the best.

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  2. I am hoping and praying for you. I've only been pregnant once and felt nothing. I've not been pregnant from IVF and thought I felt everything.

    I hope your blood test shows you pregnant with a viable pregnancy.

    Waiting with you.

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  3. Ok, I can see no diet coke as it's full of junk, but no decaf coffee either? I'd go bananas!!!

    Agree with Gwinne that we'd love (I'd love) to hear some of CCRM's rules and regulations as I'd gladly change my ways if they had other things they felt strongly about.

    I think that some of our stressful dreams in the 2ww period are due to the increased hormones. I know that they'd always tell me "no sex, no orgasm!" and then I'd go off and have a full blown "wet dream". LOL. I'd be so stressed for it, too.

    Glad you're back home in familiar surroundings and I hope that your partner is taking great care of you and babying you during this period. Take it easy. Get that talisman out, ground yourself, remember to breathe, think positive thoughts. :)

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  4. Tell me about it- I got home from morning monitoring this morning, fell back asleep, and woke up in a panic from a dream that I missed morning monitoring. This stuff is crazymaking- and that's my professional oinion.

    Keep walking that middle path, Mo. Thinking of you.

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  5. You have done EVERYTHING you can. I have everything crossed, hoping you can find the middle way during the wait.

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  6. Crossing my fingers for you!!! I would be driving myself crazy too, but just remember that you have great-quality embryos inside and that you're at the best clinic. You've done everything right, and the rest is left up to a higher power. Hoping by next week to read of your BFP!

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  7. It's so hard not to obsess on what is (or isn't) happening inside. Try to stay patient, even though it's almost impossible. You are doing everything right and I have such high hopes for you right now. Sending some snuggle in vibes to your embryos!

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  8. I now believe the obsessing never goes away; the object just keeps changing. Hang in there, Mo. We're rooting for you!

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  9. Hey girl,

    Your at the best clinic and have the best dr. Hang in there I know how hard it is. I won't be too far behind you with our DE cycle.

    If you need a change come to NJ we will have lunch.

    Thinking of you

    Come on BFP

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  10. Just caught up on your blog. Don't tell anyone, but yours is the only blog I still religiously read. Oh, how I want for you a day when you no longer read infertility blogs! ANd all you read are other triplet mom blogs!

    Just kidding.. (about the triplet part)

    I know you know your body, but as in tune as I thought I was, I never felt anything during my bedrest of FET. And I definitely never had any implantation bleeding.

    Gosh I want this to work for you and Will. So. Bad.

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  11. Sorry this bit is so hard. Thinking of you.

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  12. For what it's worth the cycle I had the most bizarro nightmares of stuff going wrong was the only one that worked. Like the nurse calling to cancel transfer etc. I am going to hold onto hope for you while you have to do what need to do to get through. I used to schedule consults at RE offices during my 2ww :) Take care.

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  13. Welcome home, Mo and Will and embies. Do not try to figure out what your body id telling you- because it lies!! All the FET hormones, all the supplemental stuff you are on now - it will trick you (and maybe toy with your emotions). I was completely convinced it did not work the week before beta - tears, defeat, all of it. Clearly I was wrong.

    So don't torture yourself with trying to read into anything - although I know firsthand it is easier said than done! Just take good care of yourself, take is as easy as you can, and count days til beta. All of my body parts are crossed for you!!

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  14. Patience is so hard during the two week wait-- I won't even pretend that every twinge isn't note worthy or that every moment doesn't drag by, but try to enjoy time with each other and Moxie-- "Que sera sera". You are in the best possible hands and you have an army of followers who are sending up good vibes, prayers, positive energy etc. in hopes that this it *IT* for you. As with everyone else, all toes and fingers are crossed for you.

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  15. I always say - right now you are pregant unless we get proof to the contrary. Enjoy this time of possibility, it doesn't make the hurt worse if it ends too soon, but atleast you have had some hopefull days.
    waiting with you

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  16. Hey there - so glad you're home, sorry you're not doubled over with cramps, but I'm still thinking things sound hopeful and positive and I know none of that helps.

    Deep breath for both of us.

    Would lovelovelove to see you whenever you get the chance. The Emperor is looking forward to seeing his soon-to-be-favorite 'auntie', and I am looking forward to catching up with you and hearing all about CCRM. Can't believe it's the middle of October already...

    Be well, and I can't wait to see you.

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  17. IVF should come with some sort of 2-week distraction. Or a 10-day one, or whatever the wait is until beta. Hang in there! I hope you manage not to obsess 24/7. A little here and there isn't so bad, but it's so consuming... Maybe if you know we're all obsessing too, you won't have to?

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  18. Try to keep the faith. We are all rooting for you and those little embies of yours!

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  19. You said in your last post that it will be ok no matter what happens. I had gotten to that place recently. We finally got pregnant and they found some scary markers for possible defects on ultrasound. Remarkably when I really thought about it I realized we would be ok, we could get through this too. Our marriage had survived learning of my husband's genetic disorder, him having seizures, four IVFs, two miscarriages, and other sundry yuck. Somehow we were still sane and had friends who still claimed us. Most wonderfully of all we still loved and cherished each other. We would truly be ok if the worst of the worst happened. It was an unbelievably liberating realization. I hope you get to that feeling too. You will be ok no matter what and not the I'm hanging by a thread but functioning type of ok but really honestly truly ok. Wishing you the best for this cycle and for the peace of mind that allows you to let go and still feel safe.

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  20. Leave your boobs alone. There's no way of telling if any tenderness is rising HCG levels or progesterone. The waiting sucks. No getting around that. Thinking of you.

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  21. Oh yeah,
    the friggin wait
    the are-my-boobs-sore wait
    the what is that oh it is my colon wait
    the why does time have to go by so slowly wait
    and the why why why with all of this amazing technology do I have to wait wait??

    yeah, not missing that at all.
    Keep breathing, know you have a plan B, and that plan A has a 60% chance of success (holy crap)-- which means this might actually work.

    I'm just sayin'.

    I did not have symptoms until well after positive beta, and the first real big one was exhaustion.
    no boob soreness, no nothing else.

    with that in mind, if the breast palpation is calming, I say go for it.

    thinking of you and LOVING your hallmark reject. Brilliant as always.
    xoxo
    Kate

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  22. Dammit, why didn't I say this in my last comment:

    Mine was fleeting too.

    I felt it for a bit, then it was gone.

    I know you couldnt pick me out of a crowd of 2, but you STOP planning your next FET? Understand?

    I want positive mother fucking energy, ok?

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