Yesterday, I spent the morning in quiet despair that the cycle was over. Just because it felt that way, which is, well, not a good way to reason at all. Whenever my attention strayed to my abdomen region, I had a sinking feeling, because I was continuing to feel nothing going on down there. And feeling nothing has never been a good sign for me.
My mood began to brighten considerably in the afternoon when I started getting crampy. Yay, crampy!! Very menstrual feeling!! Not feeling anything in breasts so much, but the cramping (Cramping!!) lasted for about three hours and this may sound strange, but I luxuriated in it, masochist that I am. Of course, I also had the tiny nagging fear that these cramps could just signal that my period is coming. Because during the two week wait you can't win really - symptoms or no symptoms, you can twist things around in your head to be a potentially ominous sign no matter what. But mostly I was relieved to be feeling uncomfortable uterine feelings. Thrilled even.
So, I've been telling myself that if I could only feel some physical signs of reassurance, I'd calm down and be, well, reassured. And what actually happened? My relieved and mostly happy feelings lasted just until the cramps stopped, around 9 last night. At which point, I promptly ratcheted up the worry again whenever my mind drifted to my midsection. Cramps gone again? Embryos must be kaput. Strength of belief? 100% (sigh. No learning seems to be occurring here).
Today is 4dp5dt. And my uterus has gone back into hibernation. It's way too early to test, so I'm not even going to torture myself (or you) with that at this point.
I will post soon about some of the Denver clinic's recommendations/cocktails/prohibitions, in response to some of you asking. Promise.
For now, will attempt to distract self with my more than full-time job and class schedule. I can try at least.
Mo
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Would love to hear more about your FET protocol. Thinking of you and praying that your cramping or lack thereof at times means good things!
ReplyDeleteBec xx
Mo, I do believe 3dp5d FET is when I had mild cramping. It was very very mild and it didn't last long. But here I sit, 10w pregnant. Keep the faith!
ReplyDeleteWhen *do* you plan to POAS? Apparently those darned FRER's now detect at 9dpo... (I was too cheap/chicken to use em, and got a BFP at 11dpo with internet cheapies...)
Thinking of you!
Michelle, a sprogblogger devotee
Take care. I hope you can find something to occupy your mind but I am the same so no helpful advice.
ReplyDeleteI tried to comment on your last post, but my comment got eaten. Anyway, I'm glad you have got some cramping - that is a good sign. But I was going to say that I have learned not to read anything into symptoms or lack thereof - you know they can mean anything or nothing at this point, especially with the meds you are on. You are definitely getting into POAS territory - I held out until 6dp5dt, and that's when I saw a line with a FRER. I might have even had one earlier if I had tried. I am a big fan of POAS...though it has definitely tormented me many times in the past. I have a very good feeling for you!
ReplyDeleteMo, I am remaining ever so hopeful for you! Hoping the mind games are a little easier on your today. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteSo very hopeful for you! I beta on Friday, I'm afraid to POAS. I have been cramping on and off for this entire wait. I have no idea what to think. AHHHHHH! Finger crossed for you. Hugs- Lemon
ReplyDeleteI don't comment often but just wanted to let you know you've been in my thoughts and prayers and I REALLY hope this is IT! Hang in there -- this has to be one of the toughest 2wws.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that got me through my IVF TWW as realizing that I was sort of pregnant, and that (for me) that might be my last chance to be that way. So, I had to enjoy it and do what I could to be a good mom for at least those two weeks. I was hoping that maternally thoughts would help entice the embryos to stick. By about 9 to 10 days after though I had no symptoms and was doing what I could to emotionally prepare. I had done a pretty good job of getting ready for never having the chance to be a mother when I got the phone call that I was pregnant. So, my advice for what its worth is to not believe any signals you are or are not getting from your body. Let your head stop over analyzing and GO WITH THE MOMMY THING for a little while. Hang in there. This really is incredibly hard. Know you are in my thoughts! You have had an incredibly crazy journey here and I have so much admiration for your dedication. Your time is soon -- I just know it!
ReplyDeleteThis is the hardest hardest time -- the waiting. But I don't want you to have despair, because I am so hopeful for you and want you to try and enjoy this period (or at least not loathe it). And while you know your body well, and have been pregnant before, I suspect that each time is kind of different, so maybe taking the leap of faith that even though you don't feel pregnant, you could be? Also, you are doing so much else diff't with diet, meds, etc., that it's entirely possible that how you feel is affected by that as well. Long way of saying -- I'm hoping and hopeful, and I want you to be too!
ReplyDeleteMy acupuncturist described the 2ww as a "black hole," and I can't think of anything more accurate. Lord, but it goes on forever. But all my fingers and toes are crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteI had these sporadic menstrual like cramps, when I underwent the one and only IVF/ICSI that brought us a healthy baby girl in august.
ReplyDeleteSo I say that dissapearing cramps are a good sign, as mentstrual cramps usually do not dissapear they just get worse until aunt flow arrives.
I Wish you all the best and hope for a BFP for you.
yay, a fellow 2WWer! I'm at 5dpo and at certain points, can manage a credible imitation of a sane person:)
ReplyDeleteCramping as we know it is a good sign!Best of luck- guess you can start testing at 11 DPO ish!
Ah, this sounds so entirely too familiar. Really, no one could ever imagine the acrobatics your mind goes through during the 2ww until they've been there.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, I didn't notice anything during my 2ww that brought us our daughter.
ReplyDeleteI still think cramping at this stage has to be a good sign.
Ack! It is SO true that the symptoms can be twisted any which way. I hope that you are able to avoid the excessive and borderline abrasive toilet-paper wiping that I engaged in at about day 12.
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts your way!
Thinking of you - and can't wait for you to POAS (if you plan to). Thanks for adding my blog (everysinglepossibility)!
ReplyDeleteCrossing some fingers and toes for ya!!!
ReplyDeletewaiting is the worst.
ReplyDeleteOK, Mo- strength of belief: 100%. Utility of belief: ??
ReplyDeleteHang tough-you have done everything that can possibly be done and then some. Fingers crossed and waiting with you.
Checking your blog daily and sending you good wishes! Hope these two weeks pass quickly and you get wonderful results!
ReplyDeleteOh, I am on the edge of my seat and, like the others, checking your blog every day! Sending you ALL the best from Colorado. I know I'm gonna cry buckets whichever way it goes.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
~Heather
I've been offline for a few days and came back to see all these posts from you - I felt like I'd missed about a month in the past week!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad you have the embryos on board, and I hope you have further good news to share in a few days. You describe the wait to a T. I hope you're able to distract yourself at least a little bit...
Oh.... I am so crossing my fingers that the cramping was indeed caused by your embies burrowing deep into your lining!!
ReplyDeleteIt is so easy to drive yourself nuts, I know. In the interest of accurate and obsessive note keeping, I wrote on my calendar "very off and on cramps and twinges, almost like every other day" last march. I am 33 weeks with twins now. I stress the "off and on!" Hang in there, my dear.
ReplyDeleteWhat Babygaga said, menstrual cramps don't usually go away. Your odds are so excellent for this cycle. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWhen are you planning to test? Are you figuring in that these are really day 6 and 7 embies?
(Ha! My word verification is "finger." So I am officially giving the 2ww the finger.)
I cant take it to catch up in a normal time frame. I am jumping to look for your latest post.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know someone is stressing like I am, as horrible as it is. I am currently 3dp5dt with FET. I'm worried because I was feeling twinges/cramps yesterday, and now, Nothing. It's scary thinking this could be over, again. I'm about to hit 5 years of trying, and I really didn't want to hit that milestone.
ReplyDelete