It is 2dp5dt today and I am ending my bedrest this morning. We've been taking it easy around the hotel this morning, having a nice breakfast, and me taking a luxurious shower. Soon we will be off to do a little light shopping before heading back to NYC tomorrow morning. Nothing too strenuous. Will and I are not big shoppers, but we enjoy shopping in Denver because it is so quiet in the stores - not the mob scene that trying to buy anything in NYC always is.
So far, I haven't felt any sensations that I would find very reassuring. Yes, I realize it's early, but checking back to the last FET, I had definitely felt some uterine twinges by now. I thought I felt some faint ovulation-like pinching yesterday, but it was brief, and oh-so-faint, and not really in my uterus anyway. I lay in bed much of yesterday convinced that the cycle was a failure, then trying to tell myself not to give up yet, and that none of this is in my control anyway. With that repeated self-talk, I was able to move into a more neutral place, a who-knows-what-is-going-on-inside-me-right-now place.
It is just so, so hard to imagine that this could work, if I let myself think about it. And on bedrest it is hard to NOT think about it. Yesterday, I found myself needing to know that we have other plans lined up, that we are moving forward, that a baby one way or another is going to be coming our way.
So I ended up calling the donor agencies we've been working with to get a few women preliminarily tested. We've got three in the works, as crazy as that might seem. All three are seemingly good candidates. We've been going through the process of testing two of them since December. One of them stopped the pill late in December and we are still waiting for her to get her first period afterward so we can get her Day 3 bloods done. Gah. Another one has good Day 3s, AFC, and AMH, but is half Jewish, necessitating a bunch o' extra genetic testing, which we've been trying to line up. There's a third we've been interested in from way back when (our runner up to that first donor we loved so much who turned out to have the inversion on chromosome 9) and so I called her agency and they are contacting her to see if we can move forward with testing her. I'm just hoping one of these folks turns out to look like she is able to pass the Denver screening process.
In the event that this transfer fails, I would really like to be able to move forward in a fairly timely manner. Really and truly.
It felt a bit crazy to be lying here in my hotel bed hoping that at least one of the blastocysts was sticking while also phoning around to try to get our other ducks in a row for an egg donor. Weird to both hold hope that maybe we will get (and stay) pregnant from this transfer, while also feeling like that seems so unlikely, such a fantastical possibility.
At first I tried to talk myself out of double-tasking. Told myself to just wait and see what happens. It's only 9 days between this transfer and the beta. But then I decided that no, it's ok. We've been through enough that I don't have to wait and pin all of my hopes on something that may not work. I can have a big enough heart and mind to do both - to hope for these embryos and to keep moving toward another plan if we need it, another pathway to begin our family.
So strange as it may sound, I think my bizarre split-brain approach helped. I hate this feeling of limbo that the two week wait produces, such a sense of vulnerability, such a set up to enormous disappointment and sadness. It is also a time of hope and possibility - something we haven't had in a while.
I'm going to try to hold both of these realities. And I'm going to keep one foot in the potential of new life forming inside me and the other foot in the hard reality that we may need to find another pathway. I think I can hold both without one hurting the other.
I will keep you posted on any symptoms as they develop. As rational as I'm trying to be, it would be great to feel something is going on inside my body.
Question for you folks: those who have gotten pregnant, did you feel something in your uterus during the two week wait? At what point was it? And what did you feel?
More to come.
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