Sunday, February 26, 2012

Not feeling it


I woke up this morning scared. Not sure why, just was.

Peed on a stick with what I'd saved up from my middle of the night pee. Test came up very positive.

Discarded the rest of that pee. Then had the brilliant idea to pee again on a Clearblue pregnancy indicator test (I'd bought some of these when I was traveling internationally and was fearing - correctly - that I was losing pregnancy #6).

The indicator test came up that I was 2-3 weeks post conception (so 4-5 weeks pregnant). Except that I'm over 5 weeks now (so test should say "3+" in the window). And my beta is supposedly very high.

Cue major freak out.


Thoughts:
  • I had acupuncture yesterday and the acupuncturist put a heat lamp two feet above my abdomen for part of the session. Must have cooked the baby. Baby is dead.
  • My throat is a teensie, weensie bit scratchy. And I sneezed twice yesterday. Because I think I'm coming down with a cold. Maybe. A cold that has killed the baby. Obviously.
  • I had some french fries at brunch yesterday that were fried in oil that was also used for other breaded foods. So not totally gluten-free. Traces of gluten killed the baby.
  • I also had a burger, sans bun, at the same restaurant yesterday. It was pink in the middle, but I didn't send it back. Probably caught toxoplasmosis from the burger. Killed baby. All in less than 24 hours. Amazing, really.
  • I haven't been feeling much of anything the past day. No cramping, no pulling. Not feeling it because baby is dead. 
  • Is my nausea less? Possibly. It must be because baby is dead.
  • When I lie very still, I don't "feel" a connection between myself and the embryo. It "feels like" that connection is gone. Doesn't matter that I hadn't been aware of feeling a connection before - it is gone now. Gone because baby is dead.
  • I just "feel like" the pregnancy is over. So it must be. Baby is dead.
My powers of reasoning are astounding, aren't they? 

Never mind that I just got awesome beta results back on Friday.

Never mind that I didn't use first-morning urine on the indicator test (or I did, but had peed not that long before in the cup for the pregnancy test, urine which I then - GAH!- discarded). 

Never mind that the other pee test I used this AM seems just as dark as always. 

Never mind that when I checked the Clearblue indicator test box, the test expired in September. 

Never mind that it is just too early and there is no way to know, even though I "think" I know.

It absolutely stinks to be a recurrent miscarrier, a habitual aborter. 

I cannot be consoled. Cannot be reassured.

I want to just put myself into a coma until I can see a heartbeat. Why did I ever attempt to get pregnant again?

How could it be over (in my mind at least) so quickly?

UGH. UGH. UGH. 

Mo


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59 comments:

Stacie said...

Oh, Mo. Reaching through the computer to wrap you in a great big hug. I get what you are going through. I think after the positive was harder for me than it was before the positive! The games my head played on ms the entire time were unreal.

Be kind to yourself today. Indulge in things that make you happy. I have such high hopes for this pregnancy!

Much love to you.

newbie said...

Oh Mo, I can only imagine how scary it must be to be in these early stages when you've had so many losses. As you say, there's no way to get comfort until that ultrasound. But as you pointed out, it's very unlikely that anything is wrong - you're not bleeding, and you just had a great beta two days ago. Also, remember that every other time you've miscarried except one there has been a chromosomal abnormality. This time you have normal embryos...that makes your chances so much better! Hang in there, this is so hard, but we are all behind you!

Dora said...

What Stacey said. Big hug. I'm glad you came here to write what you're feeling. What a mind fuck. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and probably will to some degree until number 7 is in your arms. Can you try to hold that image in your mind? Your precious little one, here and healthy, as the leaves turn beautiful colors as if in celebration of his or her arrival in the world.

Much love. xoxo

Jen said...

((HUGS)). Hang in there Mo. Totally natural to feel this way after all you've been through.

Laura said...

Thinking of you, praying for you, wishing and
Hoping with all that is in me that this is "it" for you. I know you can't be consoled, but know that you and your precious babies are in many heart right now. Take care of yourself!

Courtney said...

What are these tests that indicate HOW pregnant you are? I need to get some of those for baby #2!

It sounds like you have access to anything you need or want - so why not do an early ultrasound? Your betas are way high enough now to at least see the gestational sac(s). Would be nice to know if you're dealing with one or two (or three). Then on Friday, you can go back for heart beats!

I know there's no consoling a nervous IVF patient between beta and ultrasound - but I truly to believe that all is well. You're just freaking out because you know how quickly things CAN be over. But that does not mean they ARE over. I think things are moving along just great. The cramping and tugging should be settling now that you're so far along.

Hang in there. I understand - I hated this timeframe more than the official TWW.

Hugs to you!

Anne J said...

Please do not trust the clear blue conception indicator tests!! They caused me so much unfounded anxiety after my successful IVF cycle, they out me a week to two weeks behind on conception from testing 14dp 3dt for 2 weeks and everything was fine.

I can't imagine how hard the waiting is at the moment and I just want it to fast forward nine months for you.

Kate said...

Just don't pee on more stuff. You've had great betas now. The only thing that will really tell you what's going on it the ultrasound. Hold out for that!
Hope you don't go nuts in the meantime...
I was very glad I was in Europe on vacation between betas and the first ultrasound so that I didn't have access to pee sticks and labs and ultrasounds. I just had to wait it out till 7 weeks, and was nicely distracted while I was at it.
Hugs.

juliane2004 said...

Not very concentrated pee + expired test = NOT RELIABLE!

Don't worry.

Also, it's better to use those "conception indicator" tests consistently, like every few days to see the increase.

Anonymous said...

those tests are JUNK. and its expired. and you used the wrong pee. so, there you go.

but, i know exactly how you are feeling- it doesn't take much for the ugly thoughts to take over, the irrational thoughts that will ruin your day, week, and trump any good news you may have gotten (...like your 3rd beautifuly doubling beta).

its a scary place to be, mo. positive thinking isn't going to make it happen, but you also know that negative thinking isn't going to make it not happen.

stay strong until your first u/s- knowing it may be too early for a h/b... and your "real" u/s will be soon after that... soon, soon... still hoping here that this the one that goes all the way.

Anonymous said...

mo, forget the pee sticks. go and have an ultrasound...or at least another blood test - why wait till friday and endure another 5 days of anxiety? sending you lots of love.

gwinne said...

Stop peeing on things. See if you can get an early ultrasound or another beta. I know it's the heartbeat that really counts, but you had a great thing going just 2 days ago. I know that nobody would have been able to convince me otherwise either, but the baby's in there. And s/he's growing. I know how agonizing this wait was for me...I'm guessing for you it's even harder.

Thinking of you.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Man, as a habitual aborter myself, I hear every single word of this post. Particularly because the furthest I ever made it was 6 weeks, so I have no trust in those post-beta weeks. Ugh, there is no comfort. There is no logic. I found the 2 weeks after beta to be a worse 2 week wait than the 2 weeks prior. Sending you hugs, and the knowledge you are not the only one to have felt this way. Though I hate that you do...

Silver said...

I was so with you on fitting a plastic front to your tummy - that's EXACTLY what I said to my husband on our successful pregnancy, that I wanted a porthole fitted, so I could check properly. I had betas every week till 7 weeks, then scans every two weeks till 12 weeks, dopplers at the midwife or day assessment unit every two weeks till 20 weeks, then it was back to scans every 2 weeks because I was high risk. Until 20 weeks, all that stuff wasn't medically necessary, it was for reassurance because I'd already lost 6 pregnancies. And I STILL went nuts in between each appointment. There's no avoiding it. It DOES start to get a bit better after a heartbeat, then a good 12 weeks scan and then feeling movement (though that brings a whole new thing to obsess and worry over - kick counts etc!). Hang in there!

Curly Sue said...

Hi, I found you through ICLW. I don't have personal experience with pregnancy loss, but I can certainly understand how recurrent miscarriages would make you doubt everything about your current pregnancy. Your beta numbers are *amazing* so try not to worry too much. I will be thinking about you!

ICLW #80

inBetween said...

You have every right tobe completely worried and freaked out. I feel so much for you & can't even begin to imagine how hard this is. I wish I had words of wisdom, or that there were even words that wouldmake you feel better. Know you have lots of on-line sisters that are on pins and needles with you. I wish I could share a cup of chamomile tea with you! (and by the way, I was sure that I had killed M with bad fish that gave me the runs in those early weeks... Or the bad taco shells I ate... it just never ends.)

Jay said...

Aww Mo. It really does suck to have gone through RPL. I hope you are planning to go get a beta as soon as possible so your numbers can pull you away from this.

I'm a wannabe detective in pregnancy loss sagas, both mine and everybody else's. I was reading your old posts, and it struck me that all your losses 1-5 (even the ones you could not karyotype) were *probably* due to chromosomal abnormalities (and you had some crazy bad luck there). Your last pregnancy, where you lost a chromosomally normal embryo looked nothing like this one-- your betas were lower and the doubling was not great, so whatever the issue was, its not probably in play here. In this pregnancy, you have a chromosomally normal embryo which looks like it is growing normally. So while I cannot know how this one will go, I can say, confidently, that this pregnancy is different from ALL the previous ones. I hope you can hold on to that thought, in the wait for the u/s.

sonja said...

Okay, deep deep breaths. Your betas are 100000x more reliable than an expired Clearblue estimation of how pregnant you are. I agree with the other commenter who said to stop peeing on things. You are past the peeing on stick stage -- your data is only reliable now at the beta stage, and honestly you're moving into the ultrasound is more reliable than beta stage pretty soon. Don't forget, too, that your beta will begin to slow down (doubling time) now.

That being said, after all you have been through it makes total sense that you're scared. And I'm so sorry that this can't just be easy. I so wish it was because if anyone deserves easy now, it is YOU.

Maybe you can get another beta or even an early u/s in?

Sending you positive thoughts, strength, prayers, hope -- everything good to get you through this difficult limbo. *hugs*

Jill said...

Some reasonalbe thoughts from a fellow unreasonable thinker who can see clearly here because it's not me....
a. your beta was awesome on Friday (higher than ours was with twins)- so you know it's in the normal range. If by chance something was wrong, the beta wouldn't have dropped that fast. Hence, the test is a total liar.
b. You woke up not feelin' it, not because something is really wrong, but because you've had so many disappointments, you can't possibly think that something is going good for you.
Personally, if you want my opinion, I think IVIG is your magic pill. But, I guess we shall see.

Jill said...

One more thing...I agree with the other posters....get another beta or earlier u/s. Whatever keeps you calm and makes you feel better. Screw being patient- you've been plenty patient :)

Her Royal Fabulousness said...

Oh Mo. There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said by everyone else. I would def push for an early u/s but even then, I think you'll be tense until you are out of the first trimester. All I can offer is unconditional love and support. I am so sorry you are scared - but that is the plight of IFers and those with loss, huh? I don't have as long of a history as you do, but I did have a m/c and I know I'll be petrified until I have a screaming baby in my arms.

Anonymous said...

You're probably right. Even if its not dead yet, chances are high that it will be before week 8. You've lost all six? seven? before this. Why should this time be different?

amiracle4us said...

I've never heard of a pee stick telling you far along you are. I don't think you should count that one and just keep staring at the positive. If you are 5 weeks you should have an u/s in one week and be calmed when you see that baby growing. You should see the yolk sac this week if you call your MD and get an u/s or another beta to calm your nerves.

Hugs....

creatingarainbow said...

Hang in there woman...history does NOT always repeat itself. I get the worries, but try try try to just trust that this really *could* be it, especially with how reassuring your betas are. Putting any gumption in an expired "indicator" test is yucky yucky yucky. Ignore that frickin thing! xoxo

Dora said...

Excuse me, Anonymous @ 5:41, go fuck yourself. How dare you! Pardon me everyone else, but Asshole Anonymous has this coming.

Mo, please feel free to delete both this and the anonymous comment. I just had to speak up.

Dora said...

"that this pregnancy is different from ALL the previous ones"

I want to add that I totally agree with this from Jay. We are holding you tight in our hearts today and until your baby is in your arms.

R. said...

Mo,
I cannot begin to understand the stress and nerves ofthis situation. 7 pregnancies is too many heartaches. I am SO hoping that this pregnancy is different. You and Will deserve a break. Your beta numbers are amazing and doubling appropriately. Please let that be the start of seeing a heartbeat. Fingers crossed and Im thinking of you.
R

Pale said...

Mo, have you tried anything from HealthJourneys.com? They have meditation mp3's for download that are perfect for a time like this ... when all you can do is wait and all the bad juju in your head is creeping up on you. Get that mind-body connection working for you.

These are some of their relevant titles:
Healthy Pregnancy and Successful Childbirth - Health Journeys
Help With Fertility - Health Journeys
In-Vitro Fertilization
Meditations for a Fertile Soul

If nothing else, it might help you calm your mental state. Just a thought.

All the best.

Trisha said...

Given all that you have gone through I think it must be impossible not to feel the way that you are feeling right now. Just know that all us strangers over the interwebs are out there pulling and rooting for you. Big hugs being sent through the wires your way!

Dora said...

Oh, my suggestion would be to NOT have another beta. At this point the doubling should be slowing down substantially, and you dont need the worry about the number. An early u/s makes more sense, IMO.

Thinking of you SO much!

White Picket Fences said...

Not much to say except I get it. I'm sorry. I've been there oh so many times and know exactly how you feel. It sucks. No way around it. You're talking about the girl that sobbed hysterically thinking that I was having a miscarriage because I took a bath with red colored body wash and mistook it for blood. A health professional none the less with a license to prescribe and years of training in anatomy and physiology. So I get it.

Hang on.

Sarah said...

Repeating all the *hugs* and "Hang in there"s that everybody else has said. Symptoms come and go and the test had expired. You're still PUPO. No point worrying about bad news before you get it (and I'm still hoping you don't!).

MyTwoLines said...

Oh Mo. What I wish I could do is channel Cher from "Moonstruck" and say "snap out of it!" because I think you have nothing to worry about. And you're a woman of science, who knows all those worries you listed are not rational. But yet,what I really just want to do is give you a huge hug and take away the burden of anxiety and worry from you, so you could just be. Just breathe and be and love Mo and this baby you created together and have worked SO DAMN HARD FOR. So take the first part of my comment with a smile (I would never really say that to you!) and know we are all pulling for you and I so wish that was all it took.

MyTwoLines said...

Edit: that is supposed to say "and love Will" but of course loving yourself is a good thing too :)

LisainSK said...

Kick back and let me do the worrin' would ya?! Hang tight my girl...

Anonymous said...

Of course you feel like this. I'm sorry it's not so easy for you to enjoy this early part of pregnancy. Best wishes for reassurance and easier less-stressful days ahead.

CeCe said...

Sucky thoughts- go away! Big hugs and positive vibes coming at you!!

mekate said...

I so totally hear you.
Nothing easy about this, sweet Mo.
I always lost faith about 45 minutes after a great ultrasound. And I never really did believe it would work out until it did, an Della was out and ok. I hate IF for all it steals from us (blissful ignorance indeed!). And I am so sorry you are so mired in this shitty feeling doubt right now.
I wish it were different.

Sending love and happy growing baby thoughts.
Kate

Nick and Kristi said...

Oh Mo, I have so been here and can remember these feelings. Truth be told the only thing that cures this is time....time...and of course new territory. But even then new worries arise. I will be honest I wasn't without worry until I was physically holding my son in my arms. Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I just know there isn't:( I am so happy that things are still moving in a positive direction!!!

It Is What It Is said...

First, I am SO sorry that your confidence from Friday's beta has evaporated but I so understand how that happens.

As HCG levels don't peak until 10 weeks, IF you think another beta will tide you over til Friday's u/s, then by all means, I think you should get one. I needed the reassurance during my pregnancy with my son, and I had 4 betas, the 4th at 19dp5dt.

I agree with others to STOP PEEING on sticks.

I would usually advocate for an earlier u/s but at this point, I think you should wait as long as you can so that you can get as much definitive info as possible out the gate.

I so feel for and have so much compassion for you. Please be kind to yourself and know that nothing on your list killed your baby(ies).

Alexicographer said...

I got nothing, except a hug and to say I think what you are feeling is totally normal and -- except for your own sanity, which, you know, what the heck, sanity, who needs it? -- completely irrelevant to every dimension of reality. I myself see nothing in your data to suggest anything to worry about, and beyond that, truthfully, the worrying/not worrying ... it will not change anything.

I remain hopeful for you.

Let There Be Sims said...

Lots of hugs to u Mo. Your betas are fantastic so just request another ultrasound. Xoxo

Anonymous said...

Mo,

I've been following your blog for years. Please...you need to stop stressing. When you sit and think about all the things that could or have or will go wrong, your body produces cortisol, which is linked to miscarriage. You're a psychologist, so I know you know that you don't have to a slave to your thoughts. When you find your mind going in this direction, distract yourself. Fantasize about peaceful things. Watch movies. Take care of yourself. Relax and stop all this stressing.

http://www.pnas.org/content/103/10/3938.full.pdf

I'm really rooting for you. But I'm serious. I know stress makes a good blog post, but you've gone through So. Much. Don't jeopardize it by letting your negative thoughts run the show.

Peace. Now.

Elaine

Emily Erin said...

Mo, much like everyone else I'm sending calming vibes, lots of love and an agreement that perhaps an early u/s might allow you to breathe a bit earlier.

Also, for any Anonymous lurkers, even if you think mean and hurtful things like what you said at 5:41-- keep that toxic crap to yourself. Mo is fighting as hard as she can to believe what Jay said (and I and others believe).

Mo & Will, this pregnancy *IS* different than the ones that were chromosomally abnormal and the betas that you've gotten this time around are *much* higher than the ones you got with your most recent loss. I know that doesn't feel reassuring, but I and many others bloggy sisters and hoping, praying, wishing, crossing fingers, holding thumbs, burning incense and doing all that we know how to hold you in the light. I like the idea of guided meditations-- I know that they helped me calm myself...

Kristen said...

Oh, Mo, I'm so sorry you're so scared.
I know nothing I can say can make it better, so just sending you lots of hugs and prayers for this little baby of yours...

Nepsi said...

Deep breaths... this is the hardest part. You have no way to check with a doppler and the feelings of pregnancy are vague and transient. Take care.

egghunt said...

Oh Mo, this emotional torture is just...well, torture.
I mean this in the nicest possible way but I hope you have run out of hpts to pee on. Don't pee on any more, they just mix all the emotions up and never give a clear answer.
But I know what you mean, no amount of consoling can put your mind at ease, it's hard when you can't have faith in your own body because of past experiences (believe me, I KNOW) but there is no reason why this one wont be different. This baby is probably just so comfortable inside your uterus that it's so well connected with every part of you and thats why you can't feel a separate connection right now. You're one. And I know it's so f'n hard to stay positive so just do the best you can... and maybe get another blood draw as soon as humanly possible just so you can put your mind at ease that all is ok. I really really hope all is ok.
Love lots xx

egghunt said...

oh and anonymous 5.41pm poster - what kind of awful fucking person are you? I'll answer that... the worst kind.

IF Optimist, then... said...

My heart is achy and antsy for you. Sending lots and tons and mega amount of love and positive vibes your way. I know you can't be consoled or reassured, but I hope you can close your eyes and feel all of the love being sent your way by so many who are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

juliane2004 said...

I would have another beta JUST to make sure yours hasn't dropped to under 2000 like the conception indicator test suggests ("2-3" = beta of 200-2000).

I'm sure it'll come up SUPER HIGH and things are normal but just to convince you that that test is broken/expired, have another beta.

Jay said...

This is regarding the 'don't stress or it will be bad for your baby' advice that Elaine gave-- I've been at the receiving end of advice, and I know its very well meaning, but its always made me groan--just trying not to stress, and the fear of what it might do to your chances, itself produces more stress, so its entirely counterproductive.

Also--to try to avoid stressing in the first place, in such a situation is impossible. I figure the only way I'd avoid fear in my next round, is either by chemical assistance or a lobotomy. Nothing else is going to do the trick, not while I still fervently care about the outcome.

Also, its kind of hard to really believe such studies- they are like the ones that say, coffee increases the risk for miscarriage. I can't believe that is true, not unless you are drinking gallons of it on a daily basis, at which point it probably increases risk by a few measly percentage points.

I'm a firm believer in this- if you are carrying a healthy pregnancy, and your body is healthy, you could stand on your head, participate in adventure sports, whatever---chances are the baby is still going to be ok. Its kind of hard for for the IF community (myself included) to believe, but healthy pregnancies also happen to be extremely hardy, that is how the world' population has reached such staggering numbers.

So Mo, I would not feel guilty about stressing out, its not going to harm your baby.

Kechara said...

*HUG* It makes sense to be scared like that, given what you've been through. I hope your beta keeps rising and rising, though!!

ICLW #6

Sarah said...

Regarding stress and miscarriage, I always think of the pregnant woman who was washed out to sea during the 2004 tsunami. She was lucky enough to be found after a couple of weeks--still very much pregnant. Can't remember how far along she was, but it was early enough that the media didn't realise she was pregnant until a few days after her rescue.

So be happy because it's easier to be happy, but on those days when you can't be happy, just ride out the emotions and don't blame yourself for having them.

What IF? said...

Thinking of you, Mo, and hoping that the calm and happy of each new reassurance will last longer than the one that came before it.

I can't even begin to imagine the level of distraction and determination required to get through each day in between the reassurances.

Jenrcg said...

I wonder if Anonymous at 5.41pm actually sits there and searches out vulnerable people to be nasty to? Must do, I guess. Sends a shiver down your spine thinking of how empty a life must be for someone to spend their time doing stuff like that. What a pointless and lonely existence. Sorry I know its best ignored really, but reading that made me so grateful to be a normal human being with better things to do with my life, I just couldn’t comment without mentioning it. Anyway, enough space wasted on that retard already…

Am thinking of you Mo, and have everything crossed for the next milestone (whatever that is) to be just as perfect as all the rest. Take whatever betas or ultrasounds you need for reassurance I say, they’re not going to do any harm, and they might just save your sanity. I know it can be hard to ask for extra checks, I used to worry people would think I was a bit nuts, but after everything you’ve been through you’re absolutely entitled to be as nuts as you need to be to get you through.

Hoping so hard that in a couple of years time it will be you writing reassuring comments on other people’s blogs (whilst your toddler(s) create havoc at your feet), having been through all the early pregnancy anxieties and finally come out the other side with your happy ending.

Jen x

winter blue said...

Oh Mo - try this: I am breathing in. I am breathing out. Until the HB U/S. Thinking of you. Hugs.

Sprogblogger said...

Thinking of you and hoping you found a calm place again. It was so good to see you even though it made me sad to be going home today. Keep me posted, eh? Thinking of you and wishing for healthy babies + calm, trancelike state for you to spend the next 8 mos. in!

kasey said...

Hang in there, I empathize with the stress, I do - my mind has been known to follow similar "logic". Sending you positive and happy thoughts-

fiscafamily said...

Omigosh Mo-I could have written this with this pregnancy. I was so certain there would be nothing (why would there be??? I don't get to stay pregnant-I just make crappy lines on tests that eventually fade to a period)at the 6 week US that I honestly almost fell off the table.

I want to tell you this gets better-but thats a lie. Until I was able to get him on a doppler I ALWAYS assumed the last time I saw him on an US screen was his last moments of life.

So only 3 more weeks of this dead baby thinking then get yourself a doppler :)

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