Saturday, March 21, 2009

The two week wait: a pee-on-a-stick pictorial narrative

Friday, 3/13: 1dp3dt
Tested negative. So this is our baseline test. HCG is out of my system! Going away for the weekend. Will not be testing.



Tuesday 3/17: 5dp3dt
Tested negative. Implantation may not have happened yet. Feeling relieved that it's negative. A positive at this point would suggest higher order multiples, and we are not after our own reality show! Wipe some sweat off my brow. Palpable relief. Feeling confident we'll get a positive down the line. This cycle is going to work!





Wednesday 3/18: 6dp3dt
Tested negative. Implantation should be happening about now. Some people on other boards got a positive this day with twins. Still feeling some relief that it's negative because I've been so stressed about triplets or more. I know we'll get a positive any day now. Confident that this cycle is going to work.



Thursday 3/19: 7dp3dt
Tested negative. Hmmm....thought with putting in five beautiful embryos we'd have a positive by now. I mean, really, there must be at least twins in there, yes? Puzzled. Catastrophic thought that this cycle is a failure pops into my mind, but I try to bat it away. Feeling...a little less certain...but still hopeful that this cycle will work. Have broken out in hives from PIO - just like every cycle. Am miserable physically. Job offers coming in. People want decisions. Starting to feel a bit nuts. How can I make any decisions now?




Friday 3/20: 8dp3dt
Pee on stick. Take it back to bed to look at result with Will. We turn on the light and look together.It's negative. WTF?? This should be positive. According to the information leaflet in the box of HCG test sticks Will bought me, 83% of women who are pregnant will test positive at this point.

It's still early. But not that early. There's a good chance even with a singleton that this would be positive by now. And we transferred a schoolroom of embryos!!! We pull the covers over our heads. Filled with gloomy thoughts. Can barely get out of bed. Feel defeated. Try to remind ourselves, don't give up. Tomorrow it could be positive, although it isn't looking good. Maybe it's a singleton. Yes, that's it - it's a singleton!

I remember that when I went to the bathroom after transfer, I felt fluid run into the toilet and thought I saw a few tiny dots the size of pin heads in the bowl and briefly wondered if the embryos had fallen out. Maybe my uterus has been empty this whole time. But that can't happen, Mo! Or could it?

Sigh. Get up. Scratch hives, which now coat my neck, back, arms, chest. Maybe the allergic reaction keeps the embryos from implanting? I must be filled with histamines. Feel very sorry for self.

Curse the 2ww. Start praying to the Universe. Begin bargaining (note to self: isn't this one of Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief?). Try to focus on other things, which is helped some by all the work/grant craziness.




Saturday 3/21: 9dp3dt
Pee on stick at 6:45 am. Take it back to bed to look at result with Will. We turn on the light and look together.
It's negative. But wait, this is the part where I was going to post the surprise picture with the positive pee stick! This is not how the story is supposed to go!

Ninety-three percent of women who are pregnant test positive by this point, according to the damn HCG test box. And longtime readers know that I am a big believer in stats and am especially vulnerable to all forms of Infertility Math.

We aren't surprised today; we are resigned. Will and I cry together.

We also laugh cynically for being fooled into believing IVF #4 could ever work. Suckers!

We drag ourselves out of bed to get the luteal phase bloodwork required by my clinic. This feels like an exercise in absurdity. I am not going to be in the 7% of women who test negative but are pregnant. In fact, I'm pathetic, covered in self-inflicted bruises and hives. The PIO injections have not been endured to support a fledgling pregnancy; they have been another unintended act of masochism.

Feeling major AF cramps. Period wants to come. Because it is OVER.

Fuck.

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46 comments:

  1. I am sooo sorry. I was hoping for much better news. But, also keep this in mind...those tests can say no but the bloodwork could say yes. That's why we did our best not to take them per our doctor's request. You never know.

    Hang in there and hoping the blood test says different.

    Take care,
    Tracy

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  2. No, no, no. I have been thinking about you and what has been going on with your sticks but I did not want to pressure you. I am so, so sorry. Mr. M and I also laid in bed this morning and cried and I am crying now as I write this, dammit Mo this was supposed to happen for you.

    I agree with everything you said - it kills me to keep doing the PIO and to not drink caffeine and to act like I am pregnant. Even though there is a sick little part of me that thinks it could be a late implanting, low hcg producing miracle - however, I am realistic at this point.

    Thinking of you and if you want to cry, rage and vent more please email me lapmp1648@gmail.com

    This is so wrong.

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  3. I just don't know what to say, I'm gutted for you from here, so I can't begin to imagine what you feel right now.

    I'm truly sorry.

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  4. Hang in there. Although it feels like it, it is not over yet.

    Wishing for a miracle and in absence, strength.

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  5. :( it's only 9dp3dt, right? so it still could be positive? i'm still hoping for this. i'm so sorry that you have to go through this though.

    xoxo

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  6. I'm so hoping it's just way too early for you.

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  7. Well, at the risk of sounding very unlady like...fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

    You see, on my fourth IVF failure I got an email and that's all it said. And it was the best email I got for expressing how I felt.

    I'm just so sorry. None of this is right or fair or ANYTHING. Rage and cry and cling to each other.

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  8. Oh Mo, now I am not one to blow sunshine up anyone's skirt, but, I agree with Tracy, strongblonde-- and Irish NYC-- it is still so early and implantation can happen over such a range of days--maybe the bloodwork will say otherwise?
    BUT I also respect how you are feeling. And I am so sorry- I truly want this for you-

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  9. Well that sucks. I'm still secretly hoping it's too early, too, but I know that game only makes it works sometimes.

    I'm sorry, I know there's no much anyone can say, but I am sorry.

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  10. I am so sorry. I wish I could say more or fix this for you. The 4th IVF is so hard. No one ever expects to be there on the 4th and it is so hard to cling to hope. Take care.

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  11. Oh no. This is just cruel and inhumane. My heart is breaking for you. If there is any justice in the universe, you should be in that 7% who defy the odds with a late implanter and hCG that is only detectable in your blood. I'm thinking of you and Will and the torturous weekend until you know with certainty.

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  12. I know it sounds like urban legend, but I very recently (like last week) had negative pee sticks up to and including the day of my beta after IVF (14dpo). I was shocked but not encouraged to get a phone call that my blood test came back with a beta of 8. The next test came back at 53 with a doubling time of 25 hours. The next test came back at 311, doubling of 28 hours. The outcome remains to be seen, and no doubt it could be bad, but I am now a believer in that old urban legend.
    Wishing you good luck.

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  13. Fuck. I kept thinking I would inch down to the bottom of the post and find a two lined pee stick. I'm so sorry.

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  14. hugs. I am sorry you've had so many days of negatives.
    What test is that? Have you considered FRER? I poas negative on 2 tests the same day as positive on that. But, I am not trying to do a false hope thing, that sucks.
    Thinking of you.

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  15. My heart breaks with you.....

    We are all standing shoulder to shoulder with you. We might not be there in person, you might not see us, but every one of us are there, silently there for you.

    Just keep breathing!

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  16. Have you tried the Answer brand early results tests? I got negative results for several days on internet cheapies I had bought, but faint positive on the Answer brand tests before they all turned positive. I am so sorry you are frustrated, but don't give up! I know many women who had low first betas after IVF (under the 20-25 required to show up on the HPTs) and they went on to have healthy pregnancies. They says the HCG levels are lower after IVF because of later implantation. I will still keep my fingers crossed for you that you will get a nice surprise in the next couple of days and that AF will stay far, far away from you.

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  17. Mo and Will...it is just simply not fair! I am so disappointed with you and for you. We all deserve better than this.

    Thinking about you and praying for a miracle,

    Nicole

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  18. I'm angry at the world for you, this fucking sucks and it's not fair. I want this to work for you, I want you to be happy, we are all not asking for a lot (I too just want a family and am willing to give up career, sanity and any idea of a good credit rating in the future).
    could have a late implanter?

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  19. PIO injections truly suck. You want to feel like you are inflicting pain on yourself for a reason.

    I will take the road of eternal optimism. Statistics do not a pregnancy make. Also, you get AF like cramps when pregnant, so you never really know if it's one or the other.

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  20. That really sucks. I was so hopping that I would keep scrolling down and see the positive test. I am sorry but I am still going to hold out hope for you. I am thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way.!

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  21. Fuck. I'm so sorry. I am crying for you right now. I wanted this to work. I'm still hoping.

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  22. Damn it all. I am so very sorry. Many ((HUGS))

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  23. I am so terribly sorry that this cycle wasn't the one for you. Uggh, I am so pissed off right now! I really, really needed one of my beaten down, experienced IF blogger friends to get a bfp this go round. It seems only fair that one of us would get a happy ending. F*ck, this just sucks and the inequity and injustice of IF just keeps pissing me off more and more. ((HUGS))

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  24. Shit. I don't really know what to say. I know it won't change anything, but please know that I will be thinking of you both with a heavy heart. I'm so very sorry.

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  25. Last year I got a BFN 7dp5dt w/ FRER, then a BFP 8dp5dt, beta of 79 9dp5dt. Unfortunately the pregnancy ended at 10 weeks. But the reason (chromosonal) could not be predicted by and was not related to my BFNs BFPs betas etc (I think). So anyway, it might not be over yet for you. Good luck.

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  26. Nooooooo! Dammit, if I'm stricken YOU must be crushed. I'm so sorry. I was really hopeful about this one and looking forward to some good news.

    Be good to yourselves and each other, as much as you can.

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  27. My heart breaks for you both. It is just so f'ing unfair and there is no good reason in the world why this should happen to two good people like yourselves. I am still holding out hope against hope for you.

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  28. Damn. Damn. Damn.

    Sending you hugs and hope and comfort.

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  29. I've been lurking on your blog for a little while now and wanted to come out and say how truly heartbroken I was reading this post. BUT it is still early and the blood tests could give you a completely different outcome, so do not give up hope!! You've come so far and endured so much- I pray that your prayers will be answered!

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  30. I'm so sorry to hear your news. You guys are in my thoughts.

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  31. I am sending prayers that you are in the 7% that test negative when they are positive.....I am hoping and praying for you guys.

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  32. Oh, FUCK! This is utterly unfair. (As if fairness was a factor.) But, damn! I'm sad and angry for you!

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  33. Fuck. Taht about sums it up. I am so sorry.

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  34. Hey you guys,

    I didn't want to get to the end of your blog . . . still hoping for a different ending.

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  35. Oh, I'm sorry. And, I hope the sticks are wrong. I also know they're probably not, but that said ... the probablies don't matter. Still, I'm sorry you're not staring at a second line.

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  36. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.

    *ICLW*

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  37. Ouch.

    I am sorry. What else is there to say? It aches, doesn't it?

    J

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  38. I'm really sorry! I'm also in the disgustig 2ww after my 4th IVF and going slightly insane. I'm 5 days past a 5 day transfer and have as yet been able to resist the urge to POAS! But I don't know for how much longer!
    KUP!
    (ICLW)

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  39. I got a little chill reading your post. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. But I know you're in your own private hell right now. I'm sorry.

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  40. Oh my word, I am sooo sorry. I'm sitting here crying for you...

    (((big hugs)))

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  41. Oh shit. Praying and hoping that the sticks are wrong. And I felt terribly crampy and it turned out to be pg not AF.

    Shit. Shit, Shit.

    Prayers and love to you both

    Jacky

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