The two week wait: a pee-on-a-stick pictorial narrative

Friday, 3/13: 1dp3dt

Tested negative. So this is our baseline test. HCG is out of my system! Going away for the weekend. Will not be testing.

Tuesday 3/17: 5dp3dt
Tested negative. Implantation may not have happened yet. Feeling relieved that it's negative. A positive at this point would suggest higher order multiples, and we are not after our own reality show! Wipe some sweat off my brow. Palpable relief. Feeling confident we'll get a positive down the line. This cycle is going to work!

Wednesday 3/18: 6dp3dt
Tested negative. Implantation should be happening about now. Some people on other boards got a positive this day with twins. Still feeling some relief that it's negative because I've been so stressed about triplets or more. I know we'll get a positive any day now. Confident that this cycle is going to work.

Thursday 3/19: 7dp3dt
Tested negative. Hmmm....thought with putting in five beautiful embryos we'd have a positive by now. I mean, really, there must be at least twins in there, yes? Puzzled. Catastrophic thought that this cycle is a failure pops into my mind, but I try to bat it away. Feeling...a little less certain...but still hopeful that this cycle will work. Have broken out in hives from PIO - just like every cycle. Am miserable physically. Job offers coming in. People want decisions. Starting to feel a bit nuts. How can I make any decisions now?

Friday 3/20: 8dp3dt
Pee on stick. Take it back to bed to look at result with Will. We turn on the light and look together.It's negative. WTF?? This should be positive. According to the information leaflet in the box of HCG test sticks Will bought me, 83% of women who are pregnant will test positive at this point.

It's still early. But not that early. There's a good chance even with a singleton that this would be positive by now. And we transferred a schoolroom of embryos!!! We pull the covers over our heads. Filled with gloomy thoughts. Can barely get out of bed. Feel defeated. Try to remind ourselves, don't give up. Tomorrow it could be positive, although it isn't looking good. Maybe it's a singleton. Yes, that's it - it's a singleton!

I remember that when I went to the bathroom after transfer, I felt fluid run into the toilet and thought I saw a few tiny dots the size of pin heads in the bowl and briefly wondered if the embryos had fallen out. Maybe my uterus has been empty this whole time. But that can't happen, Mo! Or could it?

Sigh. Get up. Scratch hives, which now coat my neck, back, arms, chest. Maybe the allergic reaction keeps the embryos from implanting? I must be filled with histamines. Feel very sorry for self.

Curse the 2ww. Start praying to the Universe. Begin bargaining (note to self: isn't this one of Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief?). Try to focus on other things, which is helped some by all the work/grant craziness.

Saturday 3/21: 9dp3dt
Pee on stick at 6:45 am. Take it back to bed to look at result with Will. We turn on the light and look together.
It's negative. But wait, this is the part where I was going to post the surprise picture with the positive pee stick! This is not how the story is supposed to go!

Ninety-three percent of women who are pregnant test positive by this point, according to the damn HCG test box. And longtime readers know that I am a big believer in stats and am especially vulnerable to all forms of Infertility Math.

We aren't surprised today; we are resigned. Will and I cry together.

We also laugh cynically for being fooled into believing IVF #4 could ever work. Suckers!

We drag ourselves out of bed to get the luteal phase bloodwork required by my clinic. This feels like an exercise in absurdity. I am not going to be in the 7% of women who test negative but are pregnant. In fact, I'm pathetic, covered in self-inflicted bruises and hives. The PIO injections have not been endured to support a fledgling pregnancy; they have been another unintended act of masochism.

Feeling major AF cramps. Period wants to come. Because it is OVER.

Fuck.