Thursday, March 22, 2012

Waiting for the phone to ring

Hanging in...feeling mostly recovered from the IVIG, I think, and it's now only two more days until Will returns from his trip. Really looking forward to his return. In the meantime, all seems to be status quo. I'm having some occasional uterine twinges and momentary cramps, which I am guessing/hoping are growing/stretching pains. Same level of pink tinge...not really spotting, but spotting not completely absent either. My fatigue remains, but seems a bit better today. Appetite and sense of smell are off, but not intolerable. In fact, my appetite seems a little better, which of course has me a bit concerned, but I'm trying not to overanalyze.

I went in this morning for my weekly blood work check. It's amazing how anxious waiting for the results still makes me, even after doing this week after week. Again, the tech wouldn't let me drop the beta check. I told her I only need the progesterone and estrogen and she went and talked to a nurse and said they wanted to check the beta HCG again too. OK...I guess...Just hoping nothing comes back wonky and freaks me out. I'm down to 1cc PIO + 2 suppositories (from 3) and down from 4 estrogen patches to 3. Hoping those numbers are still good enough and that the beta is higher than last week (beyond that, I don't think there's anything to look at with the HCG anymore. And I wish they would stop checking it at my local clinic - Denver certainly doesn't want that lab value anymore - but my local clinic folks don't seem amenable to that).

So now it's the wait. Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock... I think it's silly this is still so nerve wracking for me. I'm pretty certain that the IVF nursing staff at my clinic would never guess how worried I am. After all, usually when someone is this far along, they've moved on into a blissful pregnant state. Or maybe not? Maybe that's just my imaginings of what "other people's" (read: non-miscarriers') experience is like. Sounds like many of you have had lots of fear too, so I suspect my imaginings are incorrect...

I will feel MUCH better getting the results, I think. Even though a rising beta and good estrogen and progesterone do not a live baby make (necessarily). I would have felt even better not checking on things at all. Weird, but true. I think by the time next Wednesday's ultrasound comes around, I'll be terrified to check but desperate for confirmation of the pregnancy or a desire to find out it's over. Thankfully, Will will be back by then, so I won't be on my own, whatever the news is.

I was scheduling patients today for next Wednesday, and as has happened every week, I paused before scheduling anyone for after the ultrasound. I know I'll be too much of a mess to see patients if I've just found out I've lost the baby. So I had the thought that maybe I should just keep my schedule clear....just in case. Ugh. Crazy thinking. I need to just keep living my life, I finally told myself. If the pregnancy is over, I will call patients and tell them there's been an emergency and cancel them. I don't need to predict the terrible outcome and plan for it. Seriously! Especially not every week. Not a good way to live one's life, waiting for and anticipating disaster at every turn.


So hoping the phone will ring soon with these results. And willing time to pass quickly so I can get a little further into the pregnancy. Just trying to be sane in the meantime. And succeeding...mostly...I think.

I will post the lab numbers when I get them. Should be any time now. Thanks for waiting with me.


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  1. I'm sure this week has gone by at a snail's pace, but you have survived and Will will be home shortly.

    Will check back for updated lab results and hoping with you that there is nothing wonky to set you off.

  2. Anxiously waiting with you! I'll probably be checking my reader like crazy today to see your results!

  3. Fingers crossed for great numbers!!

  4. really- enough with the betas, clinic!!

    i hope your numbers come back strong.
    you're doing so good, mo!

    take it easy!

  5. Fingers crossed for nothing but good news, but boy-oh, the waiting stinks, doesn't it? Sending you patience, and hope for good things. And reminding you that your wonderful OB has said that if you need a reassurance scan, you *can* ask for that, I'd say, especially if you're seeing pink tinged spotting, which I *hope* is just some leftover irritation from your suppositories. Hugs from here!

  6. Hugs & good luck with your labs!

    I used to schedule for disaster after every OB appointment for the first 20 weeks after my first miscarriage. And eve now, with 3 living children & 2 healthy ones, I still go through the contingencies of what to do when a genetic test or anatomy scan comes back abnormal. The scars of pregnancy loss run very very deep. And multiples losses without success yet, I can only imagine how deep those scars run.

    Hang in there Mo. As you say, only time will tell. You have done everything in your power to boost this pregnancy off to a great start.

  7. Just wanted to let you know that we are here, waiting with you.

  8. You sound just like me. I didn't even buy anything for the baby until the third trimester (when I was forced to, because I didn't want my baby naked and sleeping on the floor!) I was worried that if I bought something, and then lost the baby, it would make it 100x harder having to look at baby stuff afterwards. Don't be surprised if you never get to that "blissful pregnancy state" - I didn't! It's just hard when you're so scared the entire time. But that's not what really matters... even though your pregnancy might be an anxious time for you, after the baby gets here, you WILL be in a blissful new-mom state!

    Waiting for your results with you, but not worried - I know they're going to be great just like they have been! I hate that you have to keep getting betas...

  9. Mo, you're doing great. Really. It's not at all silly that this is nerve wracking. And it's got to be particularly hard not having Will around. Keeping the crazy at bay has got to be exhausting, and that's on top of pregnancy exhaustion, compounded by supplemental progesterone. By now, I'm sure your placenta's pumping out progesterone. As for your appetite being better, pregnancy can make you HUNGRY! Feed the baby, Mo!

    Meant to comment on the last post. Glad the IVIG wasn't as bad as the first time. Ugh, on the multiple sticks. OUCH! (When you get to the hospital in labor (you know, in October!), don't let the regular l&d nurse do your iv. Get a nurse from the iv team or the anesthesiology resident to do it. Can you tell I believe this little one is going the distance?) As for forgetting where you put the basket at Fairway, well, as one commenter mentioned, Fairway is overwhelming, but girl, you've got pregnancy brain! :-D

    And sorry about the loss of your colleague. xoxo

  10. I always plan around bad news, but then I didn't have much expected of me on a particular scan day to not be able to cancel. I do think you are doing the best thing. I know how reassuring those numbers will be, so I am looking forward to having you share them. I wish it got easier, but I know that it's all this kind of stressful. I'll keep up the "perfectly normal" mantra for you over here.

  11. Argh! Ring, phone, ring!! (I read this post two hours ago). :)

  12. Just wanted to say I am here with you.

  13. Waiting is so hard. I never had too many problems with waiting until IF hit me hard. Now, every time I have to wait, it makes me a little more crazy! Good luck with the results.

    ICLW #24


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