Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Hanging out in pregnancy limbo, 7w2d

Welcome to pregnancy limbo. Where you're pregnant, maybe, sort of. I mean definitely pregnant, but probably not in any kind of lasting way.


Emotionally, I'm detached from the outcome at this point. I'm allowing myself to imagine the possibility that this could turn around, but I'm basically resigned to the idea that it almost certainly won't. Physically, I'm doing all the things to support the pregnancy: PIO daily, endometrin suppositories, estrogen suppositories, prenatals, prednisone, etc, which I guess is the most important part.

Interestingly, Will seems to still be very hopeful. I was packing up some of Magpie's baby toys to take to see my sister and her new baby, and Will said, "You know, it seems like we might be needing that stuff ourselves pretty soon." Which surprised me. Because all I'm thinking I'll need is a box of tissues to wipe my tears when we find out shortly this is over.

I called another clinic here locally that is more open about use of donor eggs (agency and in-house, egg banks, etc.) than our local NYC clinic. We have an appointment there on November 16. When I mentioned that I wanted to set that appointment up, Will advised we just do one thing at a time. But I know for me that if I wait until this gets called over, and then I can't get an appointment until January, and then everything will take 6-8 months or so to line up after that, I will not be a happy camper. So I went ahead and booked it. I don't even know if we'll want to go that route. Maybe we should just say we tried and it wasn't meant to be? We have Magpie after all, and maybe that's enough? Maybe using donor eggs after having our genetic child is trying too hard? (I wouldn't think that about anyone else). I know now that I would have no problem loving a donor egg child just the same as Magpie, or, you know, differently, since they will be their own selves but equally fiercely.

Magpie was struck down by her first preschool illness starting this weekend. She sounds croupy, has a painful throat, has had a fever of 103 (although it seemed lower last night). She has just been a poor little miserable girl. I took her to the pedi yesterday and she tested negative for strep, so that was a relief. So no school yesterday or today. Imagining she'll be well enough to return to school tomorrow. Hoping that she won't be sick on a weekly basis, but I'm guessing that more frequent illness will be part of the learning curve as she starts school. Prior to her illness, she was loving school and doing great with the separation thing. Hoping this brief absence won't set us back too far with her adjustment to the new routine.

I have two pee sticks left to get through to Monday with, so won't do any more home testing until later in the week. I fully expect the lines to be getting lighter by that point, but we will see.

So that's all from limbo-land. I hope you are all doing well.


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  1. Sigh...what you are doing---preparing for the future to deal with a possibly negative outcome---is so very familiar. But hey, it works in helping soften the blow. Here is hoping you wont need these plans.

    As for Magpie and preschool sicknesses, I have to say, my kitchen sink approach of BioGaia, Turmeric + black pepper, and elderberry, tons of VCO, Vitamin D, and a couple of others does seems to be helping: we have gotten through 2 months of mother-toddler classes now with nothing worse than a blocked nose that seems to last only a couple of days.

  2. I understand the need to have a backup plan while simultaneously holding out hope.

  3. hi mo...
    I have to admit that I laughed at your tissue box comment...
    although it is morosely unfunny, yet the familiarity of that thought gave me a laugh for some reason? having a sense of humor about all this is helpful.
    how wonderful that you are in a place that you can give your sister hand-me-downs :)

    i am also a planner, always needing the next step to hold on to...
    however, i have to say that being in a pregnancy limbo, it makes it very difficult to commit to any other idea, like donor eggs, etc.

    if you do wind up going that route, i have absolute confidence that you will commit to it just as you need to, and as you know is the reality-
    donor egg babies, donor embryo babies, donor sperm babies, babies adopted at birth- foster care kids... they always wind up being *just* babies and kids... you will love your next child regardless of the DNA and that is that. its hard to see that now, but that will be the underlying truth. i think it is fantastic to make that appointment now. good for you!

    for now though, limbo, uggh!!! the days will pass and soon it will be Monday... less than a week- you can do it!

    sorry to know that magpie is feeling under the weather. these early exposures, despite their annoyances, are strengthening her immune system, so there's something to be said for that. i hope you don't catch it, yuck!

  4. Thinking of you. Nothing about this is easy or good, but I'm still holding out hope, too.

  5. Pregnancy limbo is the worst and I'm sorry that you have to go through it again. I hope the next few days fly by for you.

  6. Still hoping with you Mo. Praying you can get a good outcome soon.

  7. I think having a back up plan is a smart move. Having doesn't in any way harm of effect the outcome of this pregnancy and worst case you have to call and cancel an appointment should the BEST case happen and your little bean catches up and stays strong. Nothing will take away the pain of the loss but it does cushion it to have something lined up to do next (at least it always has for me). The wait is SO hard but I am hoping that there is a very definite answer for you at the end of this one.

  8. You are brilliant to have a back up plan. It took us too long to have our children, and we waiting too long for our back plan (even though we needed to heal). I ended up having baby #2, just 2 days shy of my 49th birthday because it took us ten years to have two kids. It is hard being this age and having little kids (I am not saying I would trade it or do I think it is wrong for a parent to be older). However, I worry that I won't be there when they are hitting milestones in my children's lives or when they need me. As you know too well, the process of getting pregnant and having a baby can take longer than planned. It is a tough subject, but I wanted to say it, if you have to move in another direction, you should do it quickly. I am still hopeful for this pregnancy for you. Sending prayers and hugs, Lynne.

  9. Thinking of you and holding out hope. I know the waiting is the hardest part. I think you are smart to have a plan B but you still are very much preggo. Hang on one day at a time. Sending love (xo Amy)

  10. I'm around if you want to talk DE- and hoping that this cycle goes well and it's all irrelevant. Hanging in there with you, Mo.

  11. Oh, Mo, it is SO SO hard this time inbetwixt. The good news is that how you think and/or feel will have no bearing on the outcome, so let all the feelings wash over you.

    I always needed to have a back-up plan to keep my sanity, even though, by the time we cycled with donated embryos and used the last 3 in our final transfers, I'd run out of options.

    When it comes to family building, there is no such thing, IMO, of trying to hard, as long as your efforts are within your means and don't negatively impact the future you foresee for Magpie (usually finances run out before the will or desire does).

    Hang in there. One day at a time. ONE DAY AT A TIME! Use the pee sticks or move your appointment to Friday, whatever it takes to get you where you need to go.

  12. 1. Backup plan--appt you hopefully won't need--is good. It's far enough out yet not too far.

    2. Re preschool: our kids starred daycare/preschool at 8 mo and 31 mo. We spent the next 1.5 years battling illness after illness. They go to a nice, accredited place, we practice good hygiene, etc., but that's just how it is. I hope you have a lot of leave available. It's all good in the end--pedi keeps telling me when they go to K we won't be hit with a bunch of illnesses like we would if they'd been kept home. And they rarely (knock wood) get sick now (after 2 yrs 2 mo going there).

  13. Oh sweetie! :( Hopefully you won't need the Kleenex or back up plan! But you know best what you are comfortable with.

    I don't know much about those procedures, would your body have an *easier* time holding onto a donor egg embryo?

  14. Wishing you a good night's rest. Hope you all feel better tomorrow. :)

  15. I'm sorry you're stuck in limbo-land. I think setting the appointment to discuss donor eggs makes sense. Our pregnancy that resulted in Miss A was going to be our last attempt if it didn't work, and before the transfer we renewed our adoption home study and re-did our dear birthparents letter. They were ready to be mailed, because if we got to a point where the outcome of the transfer was a definitive fail, I wanted to be able to drop them in the mail and keep moving forward that very day.

    With preschool, be prepared that you might go through 8 months or so of more illness than you ever could imagine while Miss Magpie's immune system ramps up. I know some parents say they avoid day care for that reason, but our perspective is that they will go through it - either in preschool or when they start kindergarten. We decided we'd rather they go through it earlier, when they're likely to have less memory of it.

    I hope the pee stick lines are darker than ever and provide as much reassurance as they can.

  16. Thinking of you and praying things turn out okay. I cannot imagine how hard this wait is ...

  17. i so, so see myself in making the donor egg appointment now. i think i did the equivalent once, signing up for an infosession at another ivf clinic a month out while still technically pregnant but worried about a late heartbeat. because i needed to do something proactive and feel ready with plan B.
    how great if you get to call and cancel that appointment! and also such an emotionally safer thing to hold out hope for, making such a phone call, because hoping for a take-home baby seems so scary right now.


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