This is pretty much how I feel. It is difficult to tell anyone else what this is like. But, depressed, angry, anxious, and disgusted almost sum it up. I alternate from just feeling down to feeling like I am going to rip out of my skin. At work yesterday, several of my colleagues (who are unaware of what Mo and I are going through) actually commented how relaxed I seem. I am trying too hard to keep it together on the outside. This is really trying and tiring. Since Mo goes through all of the physical discomforts I think I tend not to complain too much until it builds up and overflows. It is time to yell, to scream. To run to the gym. To feel and admit that this sucks.
After I took the above picture (I keep these statues on the bookshelf in my office because Mo has banished them from our apartment), I was searching for it on my cluttered computer desktop when I came across this picture I took on a recent trip to Florida:
Its not a great picture in any artistic way whatsoever. But, if you look closely you will find a great horned owl. Somehow remembering how I looked so long and hard to find this great animal so high in a tree made me smile.Maybe today I will also take some time to clear my mind, stop catastrophizing, and see if I just can't find a great horned owl in the middle of New York City. It will get better.
Will
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ah Will, I wish you and M could go get a drink together. He's getting a little better at vocalizing the "want to rip out of my skin" feeling, but its taking some time.
ReplyDeleteHe said yesterday what bothers him the most is that so many people take so many things for granted (like, er, getting pregnant) and that unless someone has been there, how could they possibly sympathize with these emotions, but its not like you want that for anyone else either. So, like you, he rarely says anything to anyone outside a very tight immediate circle, and even then...
I'm so sorry, Will. If its any consolation, it is good to read your voice. I saw the owl. I hope you find some beauty today, too.
I'm so sorry guys.
ReplyDeleteI always like reading the male perspective. My husband used to blog on our blog and then eventually stopped because he felt like when he blogged, no one commented! I read your words and recall the same thing with my poor DH--he would hold in so much of his emotions during the actual process because of the physical stuff I was going through, and then usually about 2-3 days post BFN, he'd let it all out. It's such a tough, awful, dark place to be and I'm just really sorry you're in it. But I'm glad you're writing.
ReplyDeleteI saw the owl. It's beautiful. Thanks for posting this - there's a lot of symbolism in that.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you all. You're right - everything about IF sucks in a way that so few people really understand.
That sounds like a perfect plan - to go in search of an owl. While I'm not sure you'll find one :) I do hope it helps clear your mind a bit.
ReplyDeleteLove to you both -
I'm so very sorry. Hope you find an owl, and if you do, I want pointers on where in NYC to start looking...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about this past cycle. It is so unfair. That being said..I hate to even say that because I know that's not what you need to hear right now. Just know I'm thinking of you and look forward to checking back with you now that I've stumbled upon your blog through ICLW.
ReplyDeleteI get it. The wanting to rip your skin off, I would call it I want to run so fast that I leave my body behind in am no longer heavy weighted with the loss of it all. It's difficult when you physically experience nothing isn't it? Keep looking for the owl, and remember it's okay to be miserable sometimes, it's okay to be sad, angry and everything in between.
ReplyDeleteI know my DH feels the same most of the time, he just wants to stop having to try so damn hard, when it is so freakin easy for so many.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings. I saw the owl, and I hope you spot one soon.
Much love to the both of you.
I don't believe I'd rule out finding a great horned owl, especially in NYC. Maybe even riding the subway.....:)
ReplyDeleteMy husband pretty much follows your procedure manual - doesn't say much until it boils over. It's so hard, and there are the days you're both just sick and tired of enduring it, right down to your soul. I completely hear where you're coming from.
But there are also days full of hope and possibility and laughter. Those days will cycle back around. And until they do, try to find a little something each day to make you smile.
And a dirty martini or two certainly doesn't hurt.
Hang in there, guys.
Always thinking of the two of you. I pray for your happiness. Livew sucks sometimes. But you are being taken care of. I truly believe that!
ReplyDeleteKami
with the visual of the two little statues, you need not say more. Perfect depiction of your feelings.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see how you are dealing with it as a guy. That you have invested so much in this with Mo, not just because of her, but for the two of you.
I hope you find your horned owl, or another intriguing animal or idea to help you heal.
o guys... i'm so sorry that you have to go through this. it's mentally and physically exhausting. :(
ReplyDeletepls know i'm thinking of you both.
xoxo
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteIt all sucks. Hugs to you guys from us.
ReplyDeleteWill, I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with us. There's no getting around the complete and utter suckiness of this. Even though Mo is the one going through this physically, I KNOW she's capable of being there to hear your pain, too. She is SOOOOO strong, and together you are even stronger. There is strength in vulnerability. Lean on each other.
ReplyDeleteSending much love to you both.
Thanks for posting. I am thinking of you both. Hoping you spot a great horned owl soon, great pic. As I write this there is an owl outside my window (no idea what brand). I'm sure this is a good sign for you - jill
ReplyDeleteI am just so heartbroken for the two of you. I do love the pic of the owl, though, and I hope you can find more moments of peace in the near future. It's just not fair :( We're all pulling for you both.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I hope my comment didn't come across as assvice.
ReplyDeleteDear Lord, Please give MO & Will “peace” at this time. Cover them in your hedge of protection and give them the ability to talk and get through this together.
ReplyDeleteFill them with your strength so that they may get through each day, knowing You are there with them every step of the way. I pray for their comfort in knowing You are in control. Amen.
hi, I am visiting from ICLW...No. 103 to say hello and to check out your blog.
My Little Drummer Boys
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through.
ReplyDeleteDH and I are having the same shitty feelings. With each cycle, I learn more and more how much this hurts my DH (and other husbands) as much as it hurts me. I think that sometimes we forget that. I hope you find that owl in NYC. We lived there a while back and it will always be my favorite city. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete