21dp5dt...or 5w5d

Still off from work today with my hacking cough and sniffles. I'm kind of grateful I have a good explanation for needing to take it easy this week. Hoping the added rest will help this pregnancy be more secure, if anything can.

For those of you worried I'm over here bathing in Lovenox...no worries. I kept my dose the same (40mg). Lovenox is powerful stuff, and aside from one borderline APA blood panel once, I have no reason we know of to need to take it (aside from the six lost pregnancies). So I'm being relatively conservative over here. I'm doing something in-between with the up-the-prednisone recommendation. The miscarriage wizard wanted me to up the prednisone to 20mg. I've upped to to 15mg...temporarily...I'm thinking just until we see a heartbeat or until this pregnancy is confirmed over. If the former, I'll drop it back to 10mg, I think, as much for vanity as for anything else. I know that at 20mg, I start to pack on the pounds...10mg seems to be more tolerable for my body. But for today, 15mg. Regret management all the way.

My Denver nurse called today (she was off yesterday) and said, Yowza. Look at that progesterone level!! Her theory is that there was a lab error and my level never dropped down to 11.5. She thinks it couldn't have rebounded to 70.7 so fast. So she said drop my PIO injection to 1cc daily down from the megadose of 1.5cc we've been doing. My butt thanks her already.

In our parallel life, the one where we are preparing to use an egg donor because this pregnancy must surely be almost over, we've gotten some good news. A very good clinic here in NYC has said that they would let us use donor #1 despite her inversion on chromosome 9. And that they in fact have used a couple of donors with that inversion in the past. So that was good to hear. And we contacted her agency and they said she is still available. So Yay! for that. Also, donor #2 - the physician chick - got her period finally and had her day 3 bloods and antral follicle count done. She has a high AFC (18 on right and 22 on left...hoping that doesn't indicate PCOS). Her FSH was 4.8 and estrogen was 55. LH was 6.1. A little high on the estrogen, but I think in concert with that very low FSH is ok...I think. Any thoughts on this?

I know it's weird that we are proceeding on these two mutually exclusive tracks, but despite all evidence to the contrary, I am just so scared. I can't imagine this working out. I have such a bad feeling about this pregnancy. I don't know if that's a touch of PTSD or if it's a touch of intuition or a touch of something else, but it's there.

I am petrified to go in tomorrow for the ultrasound. Feeling very ostrich-y about this, which is unlike me. I'm an information seeker, normally. Big time. But right now? Right now, I think I'd rather just not know. I'd rather just hunker down and wait for the miscarriage. Because I'm already sure I know how that's how it will go. There will be an empty sac...or like last time a sac filled with debris. No baby, no yolk sac. Nada. I will be knocked off my feet in surprise if we get good news. I guess I'll be lying down with my feet in stirrups, so not literally knocked off my feet, but you get what I mean.

If we can get to the heartbeat stage, I think I'll be able to begin to risk imagining that something is going on. Something like...um...a pregnancy. Now that would be weird.

But for now? I'm just a woman with a keen sense of smell and a little indigestion and nausea who can't stop coughing. And whose boobs look like (and feel like) they are going to explode. KA-BOOM! Breast tissue flying everywhere (this is what you get with a progesterone level of 70.7).

I'll leave you with that lovely image. Ultrasound scheduled for 8:30AM tomorrow. Absolutely dreading it. Will is pretty nervous, too. Please send good thoughts.

Mo

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