Thank you for the reassurances about the goat cheese. I didn't realize it was so simple, that pasteurized = no problemo. That was easy. I'm sure that cheese was pasteurized. Pretty sure. I somehow thought for soft cheese, pasteurization didn't solve the issue, which was where the fear came from. But now I am very reassured, so thank you! If only all my "problems" were so easily solved!
We got back last night from upstate. Will's parents (now just his mom) have a place on six acres in Columbia County, New York. It is absolutely beautiful up there and very relaxing. We enjoyed tooling around the countryside. Will and Moxie did some hiking through the snow on the property, and we got some needed shopping done (places like Target are pathetically a bit exotic to us Manhattanites). And then after, while Will and Moxie were out running and chasing balls and sticks, I enjoyed lots of napping.
I've been doing a great deal of napping lately. I'm feeling pretty fatigued a lot of the time. Not sure if that is pregnancy-related, or just progesterone-related (remember the latest level of 70.7!!), or if it's the vestiges of this bug still in my system. Mostly the cold has passed. Still coughing, and still tired, but otherwise ok. Lots of crazy dreams, too. In most of them I'm not even pregnant, which is fine. But they are very realistic and detailed, and seemingly unfolding in real time. Like I'm living a whole other life while I'm asleep, which is strange and kind of compelling in an odd way (I'm awarded a small grant for young female investigators from the National Football League - who knew they funded psychology research! I'm playing an insignificant part on a team negotiating some nuclear missile issue with Iran and Israel and the U.S. And somehow in the midst of the negotiations, the team I'm on is also having a pajama party! And there's a nuclear missile crisis pledge drive going on!). Weird stuff, I tell you.
Trying to assess my "symptoms" is tough because aside from the fatigue, it's all mostly subtle. My breasts are sore-ish, but again I attribute that to the progesterone, not to the pregnancy itself. And I am more queasy than I've been in any other pregnancy. Sometimes it's not really noticeable, but other times, especially when eating, smelling food smells can be unpleasant, and I seem to reach a point where all the sudden I can't bear to take another bite (sometimes this comes over me while I'm still chewing a bite - which is unfortunate). Or I'll think I need to get the food away from me and out of my sight (Will usually makes quick work of wherever it is that I've stalled in the meal, trooper that he is).
Emotionally, things are tougher. I'm still really scared about this pregnancy. The recurrent miscarriage specialists I've talked to have said yes, this is how it will be, and be prepared because the fears may even increase (awesome).
I loved all your stories and your sense that our ultrasound looked ok, but honestly, I don't really like the look of mine. The embryo ("Blurry Thing") seems so small compared to the enormity of the sac, and it scares me also that I didn't see the yolk sac. My RE lost major credibility with me last pregnancy when I felt he told me more what he wished were true rather than what was there on the screen. And I think we can all agree that the equipment he uses leaves a lot to be desired...so that's not very reassuring either.
I'm anxious enough that I'm thinking of canceling tomorrow's ultrasound. I don't want to get ambiguous news that will just fill me with dread but not be conclusive. This weekend I even thought that maybe waiting a whole week would be best...that we should just go at the beginning of next week when I'm 7w+. If there's no heartbeat by then, even on this crappy machine, then it's clear. But maybe that's nutty (plus, the Denver clinic might kill me for making them wait). We also thought of getting a prescription from the Denver clinic and then going in to the radiology department at our hospital to use their much fancier and higher resolution equipment. The only problem is that then if there is a problem we will have to then contact the local RE and get scheduled with him to confirm it and then deal with it (I guess another D&C so we could test genetics?). Probably sounds crazy to even be thinking about the worst case scenario, but after six consecutive losses, it's hard not to think like that.
So I'm not sure what I'm going to do. If any of you guys have ideas, feel free to voice them.
I had my blood drawn this AM to recheck the levels and will post the results later here or in a separate post when they come in. Even that terrifies me. But I know my nurse in Denver wants to keep a close eye on the progesterone.
Sweet moment with the tech this morning,
Her: "How's it looking so far?"
Me: "So far so good."
Her: "That's great, really great. You've had such a long road. You've come a far way already."
Nice. Surprised she remembers me. Although I have been schlepping in for five years now. So I guess maybe that's memorable.
P.S. Note to Anonymous from March 5, 12:59 on the last post: I debated whether to delete your comment, ignore it, or respond. I'm choosing to respond. I try to keep this blog real, and to do that, I try to be emotionally honest. Meaning, I choose to write about the things I wish for and that I fear and about my own weaknesses and flaws as a human being (like having developed some neuroses after losing six pregnancies - which by the way, would be considered fairly normal in the context of that many losses). I am not looking for a perfect child - I am looking for a living child - and a search for perfection is not why we excluded my sister as a potential donor. It was because the doctors didn't think cycling with her eggs would work. How could I ask her to go through the emotional and physical upheaval of a cycle for something that was unlikely to succeed? Now that would be narcissistic. If others have thoughts on this, feel free to express them. Comment moderation is off and I'd like to keep it that way - so let's try to be constructive.
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