Thursday, March 29, 2012

Uncharted territory

So, still pregnant over here. Nine weeks, five days. Farther along by a few days than I have ever been.



Still so scary, still so waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop, yet calm at the same time, accepting of the unknown, of whatever is to come.

I think even I know I have done everything I can do, and then some. And that helps so much.

Often I can feel the presence of my expanded uterus in my abdomen, feel the fullness there internally, occasionally feel a pain or a momentary cramp when I twist or move (round ligament pain?), but more often just a physical sense that something is there.

This morning, I woke up and couldn't feel it. My belly felt flat. I didn't feel nauseated (usually when I first wake up is when I feel the best, despite the moniker "morning sickness"). I had a moment of terror, "It's gone!!" before calming myself. Nothing is gone. Relax. You're having a moment of peace. Let yourself have it.

And I am nauseated now, waiting for my lunch to arrive, and feel the fullness of my abdomen under my black tights, feel the weight of the ever present fatigue.

I wish that yesterday's ultrasound marked a distinct walking through a doorway psychologically for me. I know that on one level it does.

I've never been this pregnant before, I keep saying to myself.

And at the same time, I am still afraid; I still have some moments where I perceive this baby as a wind-up toy, one that was better wound up than any of the previous ones, but that will still inevitably run out of steam, move sssslllloooowweeer and slllloooowwweer until it finally comes to a complete stop.

It sure wasn't moving slower and slower yesterday, though. Yesterday, this baby looked like a maniac. Looked like it would squirm out of my hands if I were holding it and shimmy across the floor and out the door.

I know there is no evidence for the wind-up toy theory, except for the prior losses. I think a lot of the wind-up theory actually stems from a failure of imagination on my part. From the fact that it seems incredible that two cells, an egg and a sperm, could come together and make something that would then take on a life of its own. Have all this energy to grow and divide, and grow grow grow, and now move! Twisting and turning inside of me.

So here we are. Still scared, but also, luminously, amazingly pregnant!

I have no idea how I will feel as the coming days unfold, as time hopefully continues to pass. That's the nature of uncharted territory. I look forward to exploring it. I am trying to make no demands, have no expectations on how I "should" feel about any of this. Rather a curious and open stance.

Uncharted territory, here we come. One step at a time.


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  1. Hang in there! We're rooting for you.

  2. Hurrah! Hurrah for being more pregnant than you've been before, and hurrah for being open to experiencing it!

    Sorry for the nausea, but also happy for you--nausea makes some things easier (the fear) even as it makes other things so much harder (um, the eating.)

    Thinking of you and of the olive-sized energizer bunny you're gestating. Because I have every confidence that this little one is just going to keep growing-and-growing-and-growing.

  3. I think that baby was trying to reassure you that s/he isn't going anywhere. "Look, mom, I'm a crazy, busy little person!" You're still pregnant :)

  4. Thinking about you and checking in on you frequently! As I have said before, I am so excited for you and Will! I hope that you are able to relax and enjoy being pregnant! :)

  5. I think this is the hardest part for everyone (at least it was for me) in terms of believing that you are actually pregnant, when you cannot feel the baby yet and you're not obviously pregnant yet. And with everything you've been through it must be a million times harder. But think about that little person that is growing inside you!

  6. you are always going to feel less pregnant in the morning, even as you get further and further along. so it's totally normal! :)

    - longtime lurker who is absolutely thrilled for you!

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  8. I agree that between now and when you are finally able to feel the flutters (or perhaps thuds?) of the baby pushing from the inside it's just so difficult to trust the process. Given your losses, I'm not sure that I'd be able to hold it together. Sending good thoughts!

  9. It really is one step at a time. I've had 3 early miscarriages so when I finally got the farthest I'd ever been, I immediately thought something was wrong. Between 8-10 weeks were the toughest for me so all I can say is, be brave and take each day as it is. Try to do things that will calm you whether it's going for a walk, reading a book, or going to the movies. Each 24 hours that you get through is another milestone in your journey. -Thinking of you ;)

  10. Oh, and not to be needy, but if you got copies of your u/s, can you add them to your sidebar "Watch Mo & Will's baby grow"? I'd love to see your little gummy bear!

  11. Emily Erin,

    You're not being needy - you're being awesome. I will try to have Will add them tonight - tomorrow at the latest : )

  12. All of life is unchartered territory, one step at a time, no?

    So happy you have this new layer of uncharteredness to pay attention to, and so hopeful that every day brings new joy and freedom!

  13. Anyone who's gone through infertility/miscarriage always is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I remember how I couldn't stop worrying until I reached 26 wks (which I think is the viability mark). I didn't stop worrying, but I just worried LESS.

    Hang in there. We're all cheering you (and baby) on!!

  14. Praying for you and your little wiggly bean!

  15. Hey, Mo. That sounds about right to me. Hoping uncharted territory gets emotionally easier...but I also know it might not. Be easy on yourself.

    Doppler might help...I used one starting around 10 weeks with Tiny Boy and 12 with LG. Needed a live baby check about once daily for a while... and I felt movement (tiny, tiny things) by 10 weeks the second time around.

    Can't wait to hear your updates for the next ~30 weeks.

  16. I don't think I will ever get to that completely relaxed happy no fear place. But, I do know I'll be happy and there will be moments that I forget the fear and that is pretty wonderful. Sounds like you are leaving yourself open to the wonderful.
    So happy for you and your squirmy babe.

  17. Mo just sharing my thoughts here for a minute. You sound different this time or I should say the way your post comes across. I’ll try to put into words…… still scared, but peaceful, not frantic, toes touching the water of hope, heels still planted in the sand, just in case but thinking this could be.
    The other thing, your followers, supporters I think we all have that same feeling. And then the dream of your house keeper, I believe in dreams. Overall it just has a feeling of different. So there, still praying.

  18. i am so happy for you, mo.

    i imagine you, waling around, with this special secret... looking like your normal self, but inside there is a squirming baby, growing!!

    if you turn your OB's words over, you have a 98% chance of continuing. 98%!!!

    you are doing great! thanks very much for the regular updates.

  19. I am so excited for you and Will! I won't lie, every time I see a post from you in my reader I hold my breath a little. And every time I get so happy to see a good report! EEP!

  20. So VERY VERY VERY VERY excited for your fabulously luminously nauseously pregnant
    (PREGNANT! Wheeeee!)

    Hot damn and hot diggity, Mo.

    with love and happy happy happiness,

  21. It's such a magical thing. That wind up toy could, like a plane, speed up and up and then fly! Xxx

  22. Thanks so much for the schooling in "uncharted". Even though I am a bit of a wordsmith, I admit to erroneously using 'unchartered'. Learn something new every day :)

    Hurray on being this far along; hurray for moments of peace juxtaposed with moments of reassurance; hurray for being pregnant, Mo!

    For your mental health, I highly encourage you to buy or rent a fetal doppler. As I have said here before, it was my lifeline to both my son and my sanity and I really did use it right until the end of my pregnancy, well after I could feel consistent movement. It was the best thing I ever did for myself when I was pregnant (and, if it turns out that his is my only pregnancy, I will cherish those memories even more).

  23. Even at 18 weeks I have strong moments of fear. Part of the problem with IF blogging is we know too much. We hear about too many bad things that happen and our minds constantly go there wondering if it will happen to us.
    Don't worry about the syptoms coming and going (nausea)it is normal and enjoy the good moments!

  24. Yay for uncharted territory!! So glad to hear that all is still going well.

  25. Pregancy IS uncharted territory, and as such, at times frightening. May you have peace in all of the moments. What a blessing, I am praying for you. Congratulations!!!

  26. Mo,
    I truly believe this will be it for you guys! For me, even though I was going through all the milestones in my pregnancies, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The worry never ends. It's only normal. I was on the OR table getting a c-section and I was still worried that the other shoe would drop! Just try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy... The other shoe will NOT drop :)

  27. I understand the fear...past experiences have left you with scars on the heart...and I am JOYFUL at the hope! If you haven't read these two blogs, check in on them. There circumstances are unique, and end with a baby in their arms after each had given up hope (one moving on to GC, the other 3 months into an adoption wait). Let the hope surpass the fear, let it wash over you and heal your heart. Let this miracle continue to amaze and encourage all who know about it.

  28. I think what you are feeling is very natural! I was nervous all the way through. I am sending lots of positive thoughts and am wishing you an easy & wonderful pregnancy!

  29. THRILLED!! Been following, hard to comment at work....but been cheering for you!!!!


  30. I remember the feeling of uncharted territory clearly. I am hoping and wishing this time for once you can make it to the finish line or the new world or which ever analogy.

  31. So exciting!

    The worry never stopped for me. Not until she was born. Then a whole new pack of worries came along.

    GRow baby grow!

  32. Nothing profound to say ... long day ... but, am here hoping with you. Here's to many days, weeks, months, years (counting the post-partum part, that is!) in uncharted water.

  33. Don't you love seeing the m/c risk dwindle to almost nothing. Hopefully, the worry with dissapate with time too.
    question for you - a friend of my sister's is considering donating her eggs to her sister (who will be using a surrogate). Will doing a donor cycle have a significant impact on her future fertility?

  34. Mo - Normal, normal, normal. We all have these thoughts.

    Turtle - I wouldn't think it would have any impact on her fertility at all.

  35. Yay! So glad the ultrasound went well!! I'm anxious along with you! It's hard to stay hopefully, I know. I remember soaking up all the symptoms, even though I was physically miserable, because I kept thinking, "this is new! This is good!"

    Keep taking it one day at a time. You're doing great!

  36. Knowing where you are coming from, I know how hard it must be to not imagine the other shoe to have dropped.

    I am cheering for you. This be your year! And your baby's!

  37. So wonderful you're at this place!!! I hope you're able to enjoy it as much as deserve to have a smooth pregnancy. Can't wait until you're even further along and start to feel movement!

  38. Yeah!! I am so excited for you all just as everybody else is!!

  39. It IS incredible that two cells can come together and grow into a person. That a tiny clump of cells can be frozen, thawed, transferred, and then start growing into a person. Miraculous!

  40. I am so happy for you Mo and Will! One step at a time is great advice to yourselves! Enjoy each and every step!

  41. I so remember that same feeling at the beginning of my pregnancy, I'd wake up and my stomach felt flat but then after being up for a while the "heavyness" would return. For me once I felt regular movement it felts so much more real. Hang in there!


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