So, still pregnant over here. Nine weeks, five days. Farther along by a few days than I have ever been.
Still so scary, still so waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop, yet calm at the same time, accepting of the unknown, of whatever is to come.
I think even I know I have done everything I can do, and then some. And that helps so much.
Often I can feel the presence of my expanded uterus in my abdomen, feel the fullness there internally, occasionally feel a pain or a momentary cramp when I twist or move (round ligament pain?), but more often just a physical sense that something is there.
This morning, I woke up and couldn't feel it. My belly felt flat. I didn't feel nauseated (usually when I first wake up is when I feel the best, despite the moniker "morning sickness"). I had a moment of terror, "It's gone!!" before calming myself. Nothing is gone. Relax. You're having a moment of peace. Let yourself have it.
And I am nauseated now, waiting for my lunch to arrive, and feel the fullness of my abdomen under my black tights, feel the weight of the ever present fatigue.
I wish that yesterday's ultrasound marked a distinct walking through a doorway psychologically for me. I know that on one level it does.
I've never been this pregnant before, I keep saying to myself.
And at the same time, I am still afraid; I still have some moments where I perceive this baby as a wind-up toy, one that was better wound up than any of the previous ones, but that will still inevitably run out of steam, move sssslllloooowweeer and slllloooowwweer until it finally comes to a complete stop.
It sure wasn't moving slower and slower yesterday, though. Yesterday, this baby looked like a maniac. Looked like it would squirm out of my hands if I were holding it and shimmy across the floor and out the door.
I know there is no evidence for the wind-up toy theory, except for the prior losses. I think a lot of the wind-up theory actually stems from a failure of imagination on my part. From the fact that it seems incredible that two cells, an egg and a sperm, could come together and make something that would then take on a life of its own. Have all this energy to grow and divide, and grow grow grow, and now move! Twisting and turning inside of me.
So here we are. Still scared, but also, luminously, amazingly pregnant!
I have no idea how I will feel as the coming days unfold, as time hopefully continues to pass. That's the nature of uncharted territory. I look forward to exploring it. I am trying to make no demands, have no expectations on how I "should" feel about any of this. Rather a curious and open stance.
Uncharted territory, here we come. One step at a time.
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