It's been strange to observe and notice my anxieties this pregnancy. They seem to come in waves. So on Thursday we saw the heart beat, which oddly, I had less emotional reaction to than I would have expected. But by Friday, I was already thinking things might have shifted. Symptoms seemed less - I was less tired maybe. I was able to eat lunch and enjoy it rather than worry I wouldn't be able to swallow each bite. The symptoms were waning, probably because the pregnancy was waning.
Saturday felt much the same. Despite taking a four hour nap, I told myself I wasn't tired, wasn't nauseated, because maybe I was no longer pregnant.
These are the types of places where in previous pregnancies I might have harangued myself a bit, told myself to pull it together, stop being negative. Well, I'm not doing that this time. This is pregnancy number seven. I have no living kids. This time, I'm allowing myself to feel whatever I'm feeling. If I'm tortured sometimes, I am finally giving myself permission to be. Who wouldn't be scared with a history like this? (And this is what I try to remind myself: I am scared. I don't have any good evidence how things are going to turn out one way or the other. This is just fear. It makes sense in the context I am in).
So I am more understanding this time around that I am going to have a bumpy ride. I am going to be nervous sometimes, reassured other times, and feeling stark-white terror sometimes probably too.
This weekend, I offered myself the possibility to do anything that might help me feel better. It was an interesting thought experiment. Did I want to get my blood levels checked early in the week? Did I want an extra ultrasound before my first OB appointment on Thursday? I gave myself permission to do anything that would help - anything that would give me some peace. But when I played it out in my mind, neither of these things seemed like they would help. I could have an ultrasound and see the heartbeat, but by the next day or the day after, I fully expect to be scared again. And blood work? I don't think blood would reassure me much at all anymore (more just scare me if there's some bobble with the numbers).
So what would help?
The only thing I can come up with is time. Time will help. Somehow just surviving the next several weeks. And seeing if there is still a pregnancy there, with a living, beating heart.
I've lost babies at 7 weeks, 8 weeks, 9 weeks. That is my reality.
I'm in a really rough part of things now. Last I checked there was a tiny embryo alive inside me. A little flicker of life that could go out at any time. And that sadly, has gone out repeatedly in the past.
So it was interesting to realize that more ultrasounds won't help so much. More reassurance blood work won't help so much. The only thing that I think will help me feel a little bit better is to get past the point of my losses. And I may still be terrified after that, but I think I will also feel more hopeful.
So I'm just hanging on for the ride. Trying to just take care of myself and not go off of the deep end. Trying to remember I can't make this pregnancy succeed - I've done what I can. Now we'll wait to see what happens.
Click here to subscribe