I've been hanging in ok emotionally most of this week. Have been feeling pretty flattened with fatigue and very queasy, both of which have been reassuring, I think, and also haven't left me much energy for worrying about the state of this pregnancy. About all I can muster is dragging myself into the hospital, seeing my patients and doing what I have to do for that day, and crawling home. This morning, I woke up and felt "different," a little better I think, a little less nauseated, and definitely less tired. Although likely this was because I got a nap in yesterday, or maybe is just due to a normal ebb and flow of symptoms, this "difference" left me very scared.
I should probably count it as a success to have made it to just 24 hours before the ultrasound before moving into a state of abject terror. That's not so long to have to be terrified.
By tomorrow morning, we'll know if this pregnancy is still continuing or if the embryo has died.
Nothing I can do about it one way or another, I keep reminding myself. Tomorrow's just about finding out.
The OB I am seeing tomorrow is new to me. She is much beloved by her patients and is supposed to be a big cheerleader and huge supporter of them. (Women are rumored to have more children just to be able to see her more often!) I thought this type of provider might be exactly what I need. She is not a high risk OB though, so it will be interesting to see (1) if she'll take my case and (2) if she'll be able to offer enough support/availability/monitoring that this will work for me.
I'm confident that the doctor will be clinically astute and understanding but I have to admit I'm a bit dreading the regular OB office staff and their likely interminable cheerfulness and naivete about pregnancy. Hopefully I'm wrong about that and am being pessimistic, but I've had some really annoying exchanges in the past, in which staff assumes that number of pregnancies = number of live kids, for example. So I am praying folks read my file before asking silly questions. No matter what, I promise to be well behaved and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if I am a difficult recurrent miscarrier patient!
So, a bit scared to death right now. Hoping hoping hoping that tomorrow finds us still pregnant.
I'll keep you posted.
P.S. Thanks for the advice on going with a Mohs surgeon and someone with plastics specialty for my basal cell removal. Looking into this now.... will let you know as this unfolds as well.
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