Saturday, December 5, 2009

I'm sure you mean well, but you're not exactly selling us on adoption

Snippet of a conversation with a staff member at our hospital who helped us get my med record after Will volunteered to her some of our reproductive difficulties (Will! Zip it!):

Her: Have you considered adoption if this IVF doesn't work out?

Us: Yes. At this point, we're considering everything.

Her: Because my niece adopted two beautiful girls (reaches over to get their pictures).

Us: Aww. That's so sweet. They look like lovely young women!

Her: They are! One turned out so well, she's married and has a good job and a husband.

Us: That's wonderful. Adoption does seem like such a good option.

Her: The other, well...not so much. She has Crohns, and is mentally unstable.

Us: Oh! (Involuntarily take a step back)

Her: The first one, though, she's mentally stable.

Us: Um, that's good.

Her: But that second one, she is a real mess. Can't hold a job, no relationships, health problems, and she's got really big emotional issues. I guess anybody's kids can have problems, but boy, she is a big disaster!

Us: (silent thought transmission: "You're really not selling us on adoption as a family building strategy") (out loud) Well, thank you so much for your help! We really appreciate it.

(run from her office as fast as possible)

Sidenote: We're trying to wrap our heads around the possibility of adoption and/or third-party reproduction. We even attended an adoption conference a couple of weeks ago (more on this in a separate post soon), but conversations like this make us a little skittish, ya know?

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  1. Yikes! Diarrhea of the mouth much?

    Sounds like you handled this conversation admirably.

    I wish for you a good outcome with Dr Schl or with an adoption path...happy endings DO exist (I know you know this).

  2. First of all WOWZA! And secondly seriously TMI!

  3. TMI wow.

    I figure that we will give our kids our own set of issues - adoption can be challenging in that some of these poor kids are given issues and baggage that cannot be identified easily. It makes me so sad.

    As you know, we used DS - anytime you move away from the crazy that you know (Mr. M and I both have our share of nuts in the family tree) - it can be scary.

  4. yikkkessss! why would she say that?? some people!!!! ughhhh!

  5. I hear you! I love how "helpful" people are!!!

  6. That's JUST the kind of information you want to share with potential adoptive parents! We had a somewhat similar situation this past year when we started discussing adoption with a couple we know, and the guy started spouting off about all of the attachment issues kids who are adopted or in foster care come with (he's a social worker and sees some scary stuff, mind you--but I KNOW that not all adopted children have attachment issues!).

  7. Yes. I totally know. I second Ms. Luz - you handled that like a pro.

  8. I have two boys: one adopted, one biological ... after 5 years of trying we were "that" story. Adopted and then got miraculously pregnant.
    Some people just don't know how to shut their mouths. ;)

    I'm sure you'll hear all points of view when it comes to adoption.

    I can tell you that adoption is amazing. We love our boys identically.

    The way we look at it, you never know what you are going to get -- bio or adopted. Either one of our boys could turn out a "mess."

    But in the meantime, we are having a ball with both of them.

  9. Oh good grief! Some people have no filter. You handled the situation MUCH better than I would have.

  10. huh, yeah. And that's the people who think adoption is a GOOD idea.

    When we decided to adopt, we had one particular family member tell us the same story, REPEATEDLY, about a friend-of-a-friend of hers who had just adopted two children, and 'cried herself to sleep every night'.

    Gosh, thanks, very useful piece of info.

    Part of the problem with these stories is - I'm not quite sure what one is supposed to say in response. Sometimes I think they want to hear 'wow, well, I guess adoption is great, but I suppose it's not like having a REAL family, is it?' One day I'm finally going to say that, and see what happens. Should be fun.

  11. Word vomit for sure! C'mon people!

    Don't we all have issues?!

  12. Just like a normal biological child can have issues, so can adopted children, such is life, you take the hand you're dealt.

    That being said I thought it was inappropriate for her to discuss her sisters children like she did....or perhaps thats just me?

  13. I think flakymn said it very well. Either your biological or adopted kids can end up with big issues, even with the same loving parenting.
    I think that's the scary thing about having kids - it can be a real crapshoot how they turn out. Fantastic parenting raises one angel and the other's a total hoodlum. What can you do but love them and try your best to raise them with self-confidence and good values?
    Here's hoping your IVF will work, and the adoption option will either be a moot point or something you decide to turn to in the future.
    My cousin's in the process right now (his wife has bad Crohn's and can't get off the meds that are contraindicated in pregnancy), and I'm so excited for them to adopt.

  14. Yikes Mo! Verbal diarrhea for SURE! You wanna say "just stop" right? Eeeew!

    Looking forward to some good thinspiration sharing ;)


  15. OMG that is hilarious! YAh um not really making adoption sound like a good option.

  16. My Goodness, seriously the things some people say just amazes me.

    I hope you don't mind, I found your blog through another blogger and would love to follow along with you.

    Wishing you success this time around, wheither your journey to be a mom is through IVFs, donors, surrogates or adoption, you will find your path.

    Thanks for sharing your journey, as a 3x surrogate it really helps to understand the struggles and feelings one goes through when it's not easy. I look forward to following you along and celebrating in your joys!

  17. Ye get messed up people no matter what - dont ya think.

    Why is it that people see to think it's appropriate to suggest adoption as soon as you hear infertile? I hate it - like adoption and ivf are the sam thing (in my mind they are just so so so far away from each other).

  18. OH my god! Totally TMI, and you're right, not doing much to sell you on adoption!

    What I've noticed is this - the whole time that we were doing IVF and were going crazy with treatment, people always said "Have you considered adoption" or some variation of that question.

    Now that we are wrapping our minds around the possibility of adoption, people say "Have you considered using a gestational surrogate?" or "Have you considered doing IVF in Europe / India / Mexico / Canada", and they go on to tell us horror stories of adoption.

    Basically it seems like ANY decision we take about our next steps is ALWAYS wrong! Everyone always has "better advice"!

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  20. Um, yeah. People say the stupidest things.
    I once had a friend call me excitedly to ask if I wanted to adopt a baby of the sister of a friend--because the sister was schizophrenic (sp? too lazy to look it up!) and you know, why wouldn't we jump on that chance?

  21. hmmmmm...sounds like you have a fifty-fifty chance of a messed up kids with adoption.

    Sounds like awesome odds to me.

  22. I agree with the others who commented - you did handle the exchange well.

    However, adoption can turn out pretty well. My husband was adopted and he's incredibly well-adjusted and in great health. Some of the problems the nurse mentioned (like Crohn's) could pop up even in a biological child.

    Adoption certainly is a rewarding experience, but it's also extremely dependent upon both the child and the adopting family. Don't be scared, but don't lose hope, either. Best of luck.

  23. Scary conversation... you couldn't write a script with that stuff in, only IRL, i guess. Not exactly what you want to hear when you're thinking of going down the adoption route, but there are many more happy stories out there. Love to hear more about the conference you attended.

  24. Sorry but lol, people are insane! "Hey, why don't you try this solution? Oh and it might freak you out all that could go wrong with it!"... Yeesh!

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